Your · Artemis

you all know i've been a reluctant Canuck lately, but today Ian posted this on my wall and i had to grin: 

too awesome for words.
and... that's it. still no one's called about the job. work at Williams 11-4 tomorrow. not enthused, but at least it's money! cut up some more fabric today for those receiving blankets (don't ask) and dug up my old Ikea hanging photo frames. i set them up with my stunning Shakespeare cards (the ones i bought at the Globe) and am loving it. chatted to Chris for a bit, who worked at some warehouse today. he'll be doing that for the next little while, before hopefully(!) doing some work in a hotel somewhere. if there's anywhere lacking in jobs, it's Ottery St Mary, Devon. might watch a Miss Marple with Mom and Dad tonight, or run along and do my own thing, like watching So You Think You Can Dance, yay. the thing about this season is, while the dancing is more or less flawless, the dancers are still lacking in character, in personality. i'm not attached to anyone. maybe tonight will remedy that.

it's strange how unattached i am to my LJ here in Canada again. like, in England i was so eager to scribble down everything that happened, remember ever precious moment. and here... well... there simply isn't that much happening.
the cottage was lots of fun. not intense, that's for sure. was just us three and Ivana. not too warm, in the end, but we were still out on/in the water quite a bit. played lots of games. went to bed around 3:30 both nights, and even then, still chatted. very typical for us. i'm really happy to be with the two of them. i have missed our moments. we're not quite there yet, and may never be again, but it's okay. my British men can't compare to my Canadian ones, they're just different. there wasn't too much emotional drama (a bit, mainly caused by a forgotten and thus unexpected song on the radio) ooh, anyway, found out that Danilo is applying to law school this year, eeek. doing his LSATs in September. Dave's a bit disappointed in us, but i can't see it any other way - we've always had different ambitions and goals. so after Danilo and i graduate (fingers crossed!) next year, and Dave's stuck with one more year of his BA/BEd, we'll be scattered. obviously, i want to be back in York, and Danilo's hoping to get into McGill. more changes are coming, but we still have about a year together.
on the job front, still no one's called. i can't effing believe it. the Thai place said they were looking! for gods' sake. i don't know what i'm going to do. jeez, i even - shush! - applied to McDonald's. i am that desperate. i'm not through with the UK yet!
speaking of which, last night i finally put up my photos from the last weekend. took my time doing it, captioning all the photos. at the same time (mind, 5hrs ahead, haha) Lee put his up. Facebook's been flooded with Goodrickers' comments. did i tell you about Lee's photos? for the past year, the sight of Lee shuffling about with his proper camera has been a common fixture around Cell Block. he's been documenting life in our corridor. you know, all the moments you don't want captured! the mess in the kitchen, unkempt as you're making tea, checking yourself out in the mirror, making funny faces, doing dopey things you'll be embarassed of later, etc. etc. and these photos - they are WONDERFUL. absolutely wonderful. can't help but get choked up as you flick through the 400 or so of the last term that he's posted. black and white or colour, they're incredible. he's captured corridor life as it actually was. none of the make-up or going out clothes - but the tears, laughter, and chaos. these are the photos that we will cherish in years to come, as the memories flood to the surface. compiled, they are a work of art for us, for those of us that lived there. there's a Welsh saying, evidently, "We know because we were there." and that's it.
i've spoken to Chris quite a bit in these past few empty days, and received messages from Lee and Hannah. Dutchie and i'll have to get a Skype date planned too. they told us at the pre-departure meeting over a year ago that once we returned, we'd measure time in the days that've passed since our return. painfully true. nine days later and i'm becoming more determined to get back. without exagerration, i can honestly say that i've never felt like this before. i've never had a dream that grips my heart like this one.

first new icon (metallicar) in months, what an occasion. i actually saw this episode of That 70's Show last night, in my attempt to watch late-night tv so i fell asleep more easily. (it makes sense to me.) i became attached to the show in second year, with Dave and Danilo, but them aside - this episode gutted me.
off to the cottage in a few hours, yayyy. i don't know when we'll next have the opportunity to spend a care-free weekend with each other, so i figured i might as well go for it. some time away might me do me good.
"In This City" by Iglu and Hartly - do yourselves a favour and give it a listen.

going to Danilo's cottage tonight. very spontaneous, i'm aware. will be a bit intense, but i do want to see them.
Williams has offered me a few shifts, which i'm gonna take next week, which is why i won't be able to see Dave and Danilo then. i've also applied at a Greek restaurant, a Thai, and Boston Pizza, argh. the Thai would be excellent. i've always liked the place, and they're looking. hopefully they'll give me a ring. also, a new coffee place has opened down the road, so i'll apply there today.
went to Toronto yesterday with Mom. well, North York. for some Vivah jewellery outlet store. wasn't bad, just not worth the 4.5hr adventure.
been watching Series 3 of Torchwood. god, it's freaky. love the Ianto/Jack sex banter though, and i like seeing Rhys more. not the same without Tosh and Owen, but i'm getting used to it. i like this hour a day thing, it builds even more suspense, in a way. like an extra long film.
had a long Skype chat with Chris at about half-six this morning. it was so worth it. i've been missing his voice. and i forgot how damned handsome he is, haha. i still have to wrap me head around the fact that i can't reach out and touch him. i don't know. i believe we're going to be okay. i just miss him so much.

my mobile here is back up and running. have a new number, and cleared out lots of messages. need to refamiliarize myself with the controls and ringtones and whatnot again.
Chris rang last night, which was lovely. we chatted for about 40mins about all sorts. he had a good, fun day, which makes me happy. he's at least got lots of people about to entertain/distract him. he's on his way down to Devon, at the moment, should be home soon. i could sense that he was feeling a bit down, so i tried to cheer him up and encourage him. i'm not feeling too much better myself, but i know that we're still lucky to have each other, and to have some contact.
should be off to Zellers soon, need hangers. i've tackled my jewellery, am thinking clothes might be next. we'll see. i should really fix up my CV and drop that off at various plaza places too. i applied online to Kelsey's last night. (Swiss Chalet isn't hiring!) i wouldn't mind Williams again or even Starbucks, but if i'm going to be getting just above minimum wage, i at least want tips. Boston Pizza? ick. but what the hell, i really really need the money. i did phone Nikki to enquire about her agency, and she said she'd keep an eye out. the pharmacy's fully-staffed, but since Magda loves me she'll let me know as soon as something pops up.
i hate this whole job thing. i mean, it's not exactly a student-friendly economy, is it? nevermind that i've only started summer in July. i've never been too motivated to work, really, but hearing Christopher's voice on the phone, at midnight his time, picturing him sitting alone on the couch in the dark... i want to go back. i am absolutely determined to make as much money as i can before graduation.

how long before tears stop welling up in my eyes when i hear my British songs? all the songs from Gallery and Tru, the ringtones of my friends, the general happiness blasting out from Emily's laptop in the kitchen? so many memories, too many memories. even in September, when we go out once - will i be able to stop myself from being overwhelmed by the memories enough to keep dancing?

do research on ways to get back into the UK.
have been on the consulate sites, Education UK, the UK Border Agency, York Graduate Office etc. it's funny, because i was on a lot of those sites around this time last year, focusing on getting my first visa!
it would seem that the best scheme is to do my post-grad and transfer it to a post-graduate studies work visa. not cheap, obviously, and does depend on my getting accepted to a grad program at York. (yes at York, of course at York - where else?) this also means i have to seriously consider whether i could survive the MA English programs at York, eeek. anyway, it's got me cheered up a bit.
woke at 6, after falling asleep at 9. not too jet-lagged, more emotionally drained. haven't begun to properly unpack, there's just stuff flying all over the place. good news is that i found my old mobile so i'll work on getting that reactivated.
chatted to Jack and Chris this morning, over Facebook. my laptop doesn't connect to the internet here, which is a pain in the ass. but i found out that Chris's has the same problem, so we're thinking it has something to do with the old uni network screwing up our proxy servers. yes. they're both doing okay, bless. but talking to them has made me smile. Chris also sent a lovely email last night, which i received this morning. though i can tell how upset he is (not only because of leaving, but because one of the jobs he had lined up fell through) it really makes both of us feel better to just communicate and keep ourselves updated. it's weird hearing him talk about his dad and Kath and the dogs and Shanne, knowing that it'll be ages till i'm there again.
but i will be! i absolutely will be. Mom's being really supportive, thank god, and realises how important it is for me to focus on going back to the UK. i know it breaks her heart in a way, but i'm sure she'd rather i run off again and be deliriously happy, than stay and miss out. i don't think this is premature excitement. the sooner i get working on this, the better. and even the research is all just a coping mechanism today, one day soon it will turn out to be useful. i will go back, i will go back!!

this journal is back up and running. may go under some revamping, but... may not.

it was the flowers, it was the handwritten song, it was every single hug.
i think it's safe to say that this weekend was one of the most difficult for me to endure in a very, very long time. (well... maybe not as difficult as those dark days after Danilo and i broke up, but it was damned tough.)
Friday night was in Toronto: Nic, Dora, Jo, Marybeth, Novak, Danilo, Marko, Rob, Robynn, Brian. there were a few others there, but those were the ones i had to say goodbye to. Mom always says that my heart is too big, that it tries to accomodate so many people. the thing about having such a big heart is that it can break into so many more pieces, but that you can also care for people so much more. saying goodbye to Novak was way harder than i thought it'd be. i've become more attached to him than i thought i would, and i'll miss having him around. he's one of a kind, and i'm glad that, as he says wryly, "We'll always have Facebook." if i didn't want to look nice for the rest of the evening (he left earlier) i would've given in and just let the tears stream down my face. he knew i wanted to. ohh, he knew. i did truly enjoy myself that evening though. i didn't get too drunk, but it was nicer, i felt more grounded. i liked having everyone around me. one thing that was hard was realizing that there's still lots to learn about certain people (Marko, Jo, etc.) and i may never get the opportunity to get to know them better. at the very end of the night, Robynn drove us back to Dora's. i didn't want to get out of the van because i knew what was coming. i couldn't face saying goodbye, but Marybeth was looking at me, kind of telling me that it was time. i think i hugged her at least half a dozen times. without me even realizing it she's become such a close friend. she's one of the few i don't worry about losing, or worry about our relationship changing. saying bye to Robynn was tough too, but i know i'll be okay without her, i know she'll be around as much as she ever was. but as if i weren't upset enough after Marybeth, i then had to turn around and say goodbye to Danilo. the guy was drunker than i think i've ever seen him. i'm not sure why. maybe it's kind of like how i became ridiculously drunk the night Dave left? either way, i doubt Danilo even remembers saying bye. knowing this made me a little less satisfied, made this feel like an inadequate farewell - but maybe that's only typical. maybe that's the only way it could've turned out. all i know is that i didn't want to let him go. after everything that's happened, after everything he's done or not done or whatever... i can't help caring about him. i can't help feeling as if i was leaving behind one of the most important people in my life. seeing them drive off made me feel so alone.
Saturday night was not much more fun. well, that's not true. with Dee, Jordan, Graeme, Sarah, and Dave - it's never not fun. we had a blast and i laughed like crazy. we made many more memories to add to my collection, and i'm happy we could relax and be mischevious one more time together. we can do the simplest things, and it'll still be awesome. that's the magic of us, of being so comfortable with each other and who we each are. i thought it would be hard to hang on to this bunch, and while things've changed since high school - we're still together, i still look forward to going out with them every time. so while saying goodbye to them at the end of the night, knowing that i won't get to hug any of them for so long was devastating - i trust that we will pull through. they're keepers, right Dee?
and today? my family came down for a last visit. i had a great time with my cousins (though Dana is in Montréal) and Valerie too. it was nothing too fancy, too overwhelming. just a lot of good conversation with my aunt, uncles, and grandmother. i squeezed little Brahm and Eva a lot (the Leupens are visiting me this year!). it was kind of weird knowing that they're all going to be seeing each other as soon as next weekend, for Thanksgiving. it's the first holiday i'm going to be away from, and i'll be thinking of them. as they were leaving, i was actually doing okay crying-wise, but then Tante Chris came up to me with tears in her eyes and i couldn't help starting too. they're family though, and i know i will always have them around. this helps.
when Val left this evening, i actually didn't cry at all. i'm going to miss the pain-in-the-arse a lot (don't tell her) but i know we'll keep in pretty good touch. she's my sister, right? even if i fight with her half the time, we're stuck with each other. she's having her own adventure this year, and i want to start mine.
i always knew this weekend would suck. Nikki and her kids came by, and Sharon (Mom and Dad's friend/Mom's coworker's wife/the most kind-hearted woman on the planet) phoned to have a long talk too. basically the only ones left now are Mom, Dad, and maybe Viv. i can't wrap my head around the fact that i have three more nights at home. but you know what's harder to accept than that? the fact that i will not see, will not physically see or touch, most of the people i love so dearly until next summer. July, can you believe it? it seems as if summer just ended, yet that's how long i'm going to have to wait. heat, pools, summer jobs, long days, barbecues, and birthdays. when all these things return, that's when i'll be home again.
saying goodbye this weekend, i wasn't sure i could ever figure out how to say to my friends and family the depths to which i love and appreciate them. you see, it's not like i think i'm going to lose everyone, no, it's more like i know the relationships will never be the same, i know how much people can change and i'm mourning the loss of how perfect everything is right now. do you see Rose's expression in this userpic (windsong_icons)? this sublimely beautiful userpic which will stay on my journal for a long time to come? do you see how stricken she is? (admittedly, it helps to've seen this scene) well, that's kind of how i feel. it's as if everything i've lived my life for is leaving. but what my friends have taught me in these past few days is that in the end, the truest and most honest thing for me to tell them is what i whispered in Danilo's ear: "You already know everything I want to say."
love yous!