Your · Artemis

sessions. swift halves. pints. bitters. catch ups. a half for the road. cider. pub quizzes. socials. "shopping". pub crawls. pie and a pint.
god knows there are things i hate about it, but i do miss pub life.

or rather, how did my life slip away from me?
i feel like everything's beyond my control, yet all my fault. suddenly i have no say anymore, that i've irrevocably screwed things up. i feel like all i'm doing is waiting for one thing or another. getting through each of these past few days has been an immense struggle. it's as if the only thing going right with my life right now is Chris. we're as in love as ever and i feel extraordinarily lucky to have him, but then - even look at that! it's not perfect either, an expansive 3000km gap between us.
i don't know. schoolwork, my health, Rahier, keeping in contact with the Brits... i'm falling to pieces. i guess November's always a crap month, but this one's off to a particularly bad start. i just need some time off from worry and anxiety. i need Tuesday afternoon to get here. i need to get over this weekend, and survive the next two days of class. on the one hand, you know, i couldn't be happier that i'm growing up, that this is my final year, that i'm almost free and able to fly to England. but on the other hand... growing up is a pain in the ass. it never gets easy. i can't help feeling powerless and confused and without any real direction.
what i could really use is a big, squeeze-the-life-out-of-you hug. i could use Dutchie to talk to, and Chris to lay down with. everything seems to be exacerbated by the fact that i feel stranded.

i am alive, no worries.
drowning under work, of course, but still alive. as it were, i do have lots of things to write and tell, but it's difficult to find the time. i want to tell you all about the courses i'm taking, and my professors. i'd like to update you on how things are going with Chris. i'd like to tell you about the lovely(!) letters i receive from Europe (Royal Mail strike notwithstanding) and how much i dearly miss my Brits. then there's my life here, my Glendon Mondays where i crash at Danilo's and we have our weekly evening together (including watching HIMYM, oh yes), or my frustrations with Loblaws shopping or the extortionate TTC. and the weather! good god, when did it become November? it's already snowing at Dave's home in Fergus, and i don't think we'll be denied the pleasure much longer. it's hovering around 0 degrees already. i'm wearing clothing i haven't touched in over a year, haha, having deemed most of my British garments unacceptable! and of course, there's my new job at the patisserie/boulangerie Rahier. i've got two more shifts this weekend before i'm put on the official roster.
aaaaah, so much. today after American Novel class i met up with my dear Lauren the Canadian. we basically talked nonstop for 5hrs; i eventually had to come back home. it was brilliant. we're compatible and agreed on so many things - and she is the nearest as as anyone (considering she is neither Dutchie nor has a boyfriend) to understanding and sympathising with me. she's planning on moving back there soon too, with a 2yr youth visa - yay. god i hope she gets it. the sentence most uttered was probably, "YES! Oh my god, that's exactly it!" or something along those lines. it was an absolutely fantastic evening.
anyway, time for bed soon. Christoph's written another lovely email, and i'm very tired. was up till 4 (i know, i know) writing an essay, ack. tomorrow we're watching Clueless in Filming Lit - good times! and then working with French partner Julia on our presentation - bad times... going to be another eventful week.

PS - i adore this new icon ( ogeeicons) - Hathaway is my guilty pleasure sweetheart. cannot wait for new Lewis to air, although i'm contented with Spooks for the moment!

PPS - also, Dee: please tell me Mac's Comm kids were this awesome during frosh week this year? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zcOFN_VBVo

what a night.
it was, in short, epic.
i haven't written in here in ages, and i suppose lots has happened. i'm going in for training tomorrow at a cute cafe/shoppe called Rahier, down on Bayview. the manager seems really nice, and on top of which - every time he emails me he slips some German in, haha. only more impressive because he's French. we'll see how it goes, but i've got a good feeling.
last night, of course, was Danilofest. we went to Bar 244 in the end (best identified as "the one with the brick wall"). there were about 25 people out in total, and we had about 12 over for the pre-drink here. one of the little ones, Sarah, and i got along great. i mean, we've got enough in common! she spent a few months working in London, dated Danilo for awhile, and is an atheist. mind, that's probably where the similarities stop, but it looks like we've got loads to talk about for awhile. there was a great turn-out, all things considered, and happily - i felt comfortable with all of them. it was a really, really fun night. first time i've gone out since coming back from England, and it definitely could've been a lot worse. i got to know Danilo's little second years better (they are sweet), and a lot of his Serbs were there (of course!) who i recognized too. especially my darling Marko, what a sweetheart. considering i was quite tipsy before we even left here (glass of wine, glass of port, and about four servings of gin? haha yeah) i ended up having two more drinks at the club and being just fine. danced most of the time, and it was a lot of fun. unfortunately (and amusing, cos Danilo told the little ones how well his upper-year friends can hold their liquor) Adri and Sarah were quite a handful. like, Adri was already sleeping on the subway and needed propping up. needless to say, it kinda sucked cos you always had to keep an eye on them, and Dave - being the guy - spent a fair bit of his night looking after them. bad times. but, other than that, was fantastic. there was one of those professional photographer chappies there, so we're keen to see our nice photos up online sometime soon. the DJ wasn't bad (will always miss Tru! no matter how predictable...) and there were enough of us just laughing and smiling away to really enjoy ourselves. best of all, it seems as Danilo had a wonderful night too. and not just cos he got some drunken action from Starr, haha. he and i were exchanging glances and grins the whole night. was home by about 3, which isn't too bad. and today? no hangover! just general aches, and exhaustion. oh, and an apartment to clean up, eek. there will be quite a few great stories, and maybe even some interesting photos! i'm very pleased with how it all turned out. best of all, not including the alcohol i bought for here (which was what, maybe $15?) i spent $25 out, including cab fare. not that bad at all! hopefully it won't be too long till we get to go out again.
the thought has been building in my mind all week, but last night it really came true: as much as i love England, it will be massively difficult to leave this place.

PS - we found the poutine place. a whole menu with different types of poutine, mmm
PPS - there was a guy there who looked remarkably like Christoph. except taller, if you can believe it. when Danilo and i saw him we just mimed "the hair!" across the room, haha.
PPPS - Adri picked up a Cuban guy from Miami. eek

i was chatting this morning to Chris on Skype. he's been having a great fresher's week so far. Sunday, the first night, was "wild and very very fun" and gave birth to many funny stories about Jack, Lee, and everyone else. those poor little freshers mustn't know what's hit them. i sent a massive (and i mean, 4,000 words massive) email to Dutchie, catching her up on my life and as much York gossip as i knew. according to Jackiebear - Mark and Faye have split up! madness. and so brilliant.
anyway, chatting to Chris, and my laptop started acting up so i came up onto Mom's computer. he said he'd have time for maybe 15mins more. he told me about going out for a pint with Lee last night, and i was very jealous! sounds like they had a nice time. anyway, as Christoph and i were talking, Jack rang and said he'd be round in a few minutes. sure enough, there was a loud knock on the door and in walks my sweetheart! just the same as ever, bless. full of lively stories and rumours, haha. we talked for a bit, and then Ngaio came in too. she's looking well. just sitting with the two of them (Jack had, very cheekily(!) asked Chris if he could have some of Chris's dinner too, so Chris went down to the kitchen to sort it out) was absolutely wonderful. the banter and casualness. in some ways, we haven't changed since July, and it was nice to see they're as lovely as ever. then Chris came back up, with Arthur trailing behind. Arthur had brought some tea for all them, haha. then there were four of them, with Jack and Ngaio both trying to tell me things, and Chris and Arthur dancing up a rave in the background. i couldn't stop grinning, it was fantastic. almost, almost, like old times. that's what Ngaio said, delightedly, and Jack pointed out, "Yeah, it is. 'Cept Steph's in a box." hahaha. i loved it. then they dispersed and i was left with Jack again. he told me a story about his travels in Eastern Europe, and then Emily came in to chat as well! she was confused about what to wear tonight (there's a Wild West fancy dress night at Yates's) with her freshers. then she and Jack both left, and Ngaio came in. Chris's room was like Grand Central Station, i swear! in and out, in and out - absolutely marvelous. we talked for a bit more, said bye, and she shouted (that little woman has the most powerful lungs) for Chris. up and in he came, and we spoke for a few more minutes before saying goodbye. i told him that that last hour was the highlight of my week, and told him to send them all my love. he assured me he would, and knows they've been missing me as well.
it's moments like that which make me realise yet again that i must go back. one hour, and really - it was the highlight of my week. i know it was a blip in time for them, but i'll be smiling at the memory for days.

i don't have time to write, so take this for now. i was listening to British iTunes radio, and smiled when this song came on:

lyrics here.

today i was at Keele helping out at their International Fair. i spent 4hrs talking to exchange hopefuls, doing my best to convince them that doing this would be the best decision of their lives. it was so wonderful, seeing their faces, getting all excited. i loved being an inspiration. i loved that i could tell them about the best year of my life, and not have to lie one bit. it's just true. i hope they have the the time of their lives too. i envied their position, somehow, with one of the best experiences yet to come. i loved talking about York and England and how incredible it was, and sharing the love.
so what was the hardest part? the strangest part?
exactly one year ago, i was on the plane to England. i was embarking on the greatest adventure of my life. high on the sheer possibilities ahead. so full of hope and excitement and anticipation, and surprisingly little fear. i was on my way to York. sure, i couldn't know it then, but it would become the city of my heart. i'd left behind quite a lot, granted, but most of it would pale in comparison to the life i was only just beginning. my Britain. the people, the places, the culture, the memories. one year ago, i still had it all ahead of me. i remember that entire day so clearly, the first 30hrs especially (it was ages till i first went to bed). i couldn't sleep, too much adrenaline. so many photographs and take-in-the-moment pauses and tears of joy and chills down my spine. the moment my feet stepped out of the plane, onto the metal walkway, and that first brisk breath of 4-in-the-morning air hit my face... i'll never forget it. it was the day my life changed, and i could feel it.
i cannot believe how time has flown. i remember visiting the International Fair myself, two years ago. i remember it clearly too. and i remember the last October 8th. fourth year, back in Canada, graduating in less than a year. "How did it get so late so soon?" these next few days are going to be rough, they're jampacked with moments of me remembering back to this time last year. Fresher's Week 2008. oh, what a defining moment. twelve months, three hundred and sixty five (or six? it was a Wednesday, afterall) days. a year ago, i had no idea who Chris was, (or Dutchie or Lee or Hannah or anyone else), i didn't know what Tipex was or courgettes or the alternative Iceland. i'd never seen Beachy Head or Notting Hill or Edinburgh Castle. so much was still to come. 
the day i fell in love with York, and all the brilliance which followed. i'll cherish the memory forever.

almost seven days. it's been one of the slowest weeks of my life. feels like a month should have gone by.
i've been trying to keep occupied as much as i can, but it's touch and go. i'm still prone to having crying fits. there's lots for me to do for class, but most of it's reading, and so if the material's boring, it's easy for my mind to wander.
Chris seems to be settling back into York quite well. aside from Lee and Jack, everyone's back in the city. Rupert (Emily's nickname for their house) and Windmill Lane (home of Vicki, Ellie, Harriet, and Anthony) are both full. i saw Arthur briefly on Chris's Skype the other day, and it felt really strange. i mean, i know Chris is there, but often when i talk to him he's just in his room alone. seeing Arthur, and hearing the girls chatting away outside... it's new, somehow. i wish i could be there. Chris has been busy with American football training most of the week. he's hardly gotten a chance to do cooking, although he's already made one of the recipes i gave him. (for our one year anniversary - this Sunday - i made him a cookbook filled with recipes i knew/thought he'd enjoy. not just Indian or Thai, but all sorts of stuff. i had to admit to being pleased with the finished work.) he already went out for drinks with the football lads, and went to a party for one of Hannah's housemate's last night. he hasn't been sleeping all that much, which i have a feeling is going to kill him by the time classes start. a week of training (and they have at least 2 sessions a day) followed by a week of (pretty much) mandatory taking the freshers out into town to get drunk (okay, some nights they may stay on campus to drink, haha) will take its toll on him. eeeek. still, i would give anything to be there doing it with him! he's going to a Porcupine Tree concert tomorrow in Leeds, and cos of conflicting schedules i won't get to speak to him again until Saturday evening. after that, the freshers arrive, and it all goes downhill! haha. i've heard that the new Goodricke is amazing, so i'll demand a few photos. still, they just have accomodations built, so the kids will be spending much of their time on the main campus. it's sad to think that the fantastic feel of old Goodricke, the home of Cell and Dungeon Blocks along with much else, will be gone. i hope these new students learn to appreciate their college's wonderful, spirited history.
reading week next week, oddly enough. i don't know what we did before it, i can't imagine continuing on now till Christmas, with just a few long weekends. granted, i've got oral surgery and will be a bit out of it, but i'm hoping to really be productive.
my friends here have been doing their best, i suppose, to help me. Adri's being herself, haha, which can be blissfully distracting at times. Dave, however, has been spending lots of time with Dora, haha. after some begging, i did manage to get Danilo over that one night. so last night, i think Dave was feeling a bit guilty, Dave suggested to the other two that they take me out for some Demetre's for dessert, mmm. it was a much needed break from feeling lonely and/or sad. we had some tasty tasty waffles, and talked about all the best things: Jon & Kate Plus 8, Harry Potter v LotR, reliving fond memories, football, etc etc. afterwards, on a sugar/caffeine high, we all came back to the apartment. the guys bullied Adri and i into playing some good ol' Goldeneye on the N64. we were given high handicaps, and i got to play Sean Bean's Alec Trevelyan, yayyyy. after that, there were a few rounds of Super Smash Bros., but i really don't like that game, and eventually the others tired of it too. were about to do MarioKart when Danilo suggested we watch a few episodes of HIMYM, thank god. around 1ish, Danilo went home.
it was like old times, in a way, and nice. if the rest of the year could be like that, i'm sure it would fly by. i only hope that, even with our busy schedules there're more nights like that ahead.
now, for the moral dilemma: Jordan's kegger or Danilofest?

what doesn't help is the loneliness. when there's a big reunion going on in Gallery, and your boyfriend's out with many of your mutual friends, being alone in your apartment isn't exactly the most cheerful of times.
not just missing Chris, and the Brits, but people in general. while Chris was here, it was almost a blessing to have the apartment to ourselves, but now i dread it. it's bad enough that i don't live in res, on a corridor anymore. having 16 other people around was lovely 90% of the time. (and that's a lot of the time.) i loved having my best friend just around the corner, and my boyfriend, and the girls who were so friendly and the men who made me laugh out loud. even at Glendon, living with Dave and Danilo was blissful, and there was hardly a dull moment. but here, it's like... it's an effort to arrange for someone to visit, because then someone has to pay money for transit or even if you just want to watch a movie, that one and a half hours becomes three with the distance. sure, i've got friends elsewhere in the city, but organizing that is difficult too, and they're not exactly people i can just drop by casually with. i don't know. i have class often enough during the week to keep me busy, and i do manage to get all my work done in fairly good time - but then what? it's a different kind of living alone. or living together, i guess. i was independent enough in res, yes, but i still love having people around. so far, apartment life pales in comparison to life in halls.
(don't get me wrong, i love Dave. but now that he and Dora are officially together, he's around less and less.)
actually, this is kind of untrue. i'm here on my own quite a bit, notably so, but maybe just as often it's me and Adri in the apartment. it's brutal. today, she lectured me about curry, of all things. just to give an example. living with her is the biggest exercise of self-restraint. but that's the thing... lest i snap and kill her, when it's just me and her, i kind of hide in my room. i don't like sitting out in the living room, i don't like cooking tea at the same time, etc. so i'm even more of a recluse when it's just me alone.
it's cooking alone, it's eating alone, it's watching films alone, it's knowing that no one can surprise you with a knock on the door. the phone hardly rings, and msn's dead too. on weekends, this is absolute killer. thankfully, i'm going home next weekend for reading week/Thanksgiving. but once i'm back, i'm going to work my ass off to find a job. nevermind the money, this quiet and loneliness will be the death of me.