Current mood:	loved
Entry tags:	family, friend-love, night out, sorrow

'round my hometown
it was the flowers, it was the handwritten song, it was every single hug.
i think it's safe to say that this weekend was one of the most difficult for me to endure in a very, very long time. (well... maybe not as difficult as those dark days after Danilo and i broke up, but it was damned tough.)
Friday night was in Toronto: Nic, Dora, Jo, Marybeth, Novak, Danilo, Marko, Rob, Robynn, Brian. there were a few others there, but those were the ones i had to say goodbye to. Mom always says that my heart is too big, that it tries to accomodate so many people. the thing about having such a big heart is that it can break into so many more pieces, but that you can also care for people so much more. saying goodbye to Novak was way harder than i thought it'd be. i've become more attached to him than i thought i would, and i'll miss having him around. he's one of a kind, and i'm glad that, as he says wryly, "We'll always have Facebook." if i didn't want to look nice for the rest of the evening (he left earlier) i would've given in and just let the tears stream down my face. he knew i wanted to. ohh, he knew. i did truly enjoy myself that evening though. i didn't get too drunk, but it was nicer, i felt more grounded. i liked having everyone around me. one thing that was hard was realizing that there's still lots to learn about certain people (Marko, Jo, etc.) and i may never get the opportunity to get to know them better. at the very end of the night, Robynn drove us back to Dora's. i didn't want to get out of the van because i knew what was coming. i couldn't face saying goodbye, but Marybeth was looking at me, kind of telling me that it was time. i think i hugged her at least half a dozen times. without me even realizing it she's become such a close friend. she's one of the few i don't worry about losing, or worry about our relationship changing. saying bye to Robynn was tough too, but i know i'll be okay without her, i know she'll be around as much as she ever was. but as if i weren't upset enough after Marybeth, i then had to turn around and say goodbye to Danilo. the guy was drunker than i think i've ever seen him. i'm not sure why. maybe it's kind of like how i became ridiculously drunk the night Dave left? either way, i doubt Danilo even remembers saying bye. knowing this made me a little less satisfied, made this feel like an inadequate farewell - but maybe that's only typical. maybe that's the only way it could've turned out. all i know is that i didn't want to let him go. after everything that's happened, after everything he's done or not done or whatever... i can't help caring about him. i can't help feeling as if i was leaving behind one of the most important people in my life. seeing them drive off made me feel so alone.
Saturday night was not much more fun. well, that's not true. with Dee, Jordan, Graeme, Sarah, and Dave - it's never not fun. we had a blast and i laughed like crazy. we made many more memories to add to my collection, and i'm happy we could relax and be mischevious one more time together. we can do the simplest things, and it'll still be awesome. that's the magic of us, of being so comfortable with each other and who we each are. i thought it would be hard to hang on to this bunch, and while things've changed since high school - we're still together, i still look forward to going out with them every time. so while saying goodbye to them at the end of the night, knowing that i won't get to hug any of them for so long was devastating - i trust that we will pull through. they're keepers, right Dee?
and today? my family came down for a last visit. i had a great time with my cousins (though Dana is in Montréal) and Valerie too. it was nothing too fancy, too overwhelming. just a lot of good conversation with my aunt, uncles, and grandmother. i squeezed little Brahm and Eva a lot (the Leupens are visiting me this year!). it was kind of weird knowing that they're all going to be seeing each other as soon as next weekend, for Thanksgiving. it's the first holiday i'm going to be away from, and i'll be thinking of them. as they were leaving, i was actually doing okay crying-wise, but then Tante Chris came up to me with tears in her eyes and i couldn't help starting too. they're family though, and i know i will always have them around. this helps.
when Val left this evening, i actually didn't cry at all. i'm going to miss the pain-in-the-arse a lot (don't tell her) but i know we'll keep in pretty good touch. she's my sister, right? even if i fight with her half the time, we're stuck with each other. she's having her own adventure this year, and i want to start mine.
i always knew this weekend would suck. Nikki and her kids came by, and Sharon (Mom and Dad's friend/Mom's coworker's wife/the most kind-hearted woman on the planet) phoned to have a long talk too. basically the only ones left now are Mom, Dad, and maybe Viv. i can't wrap my head around the fact that i have three more nights at home. but you know what's harder to accept than that? the fact that i will not see, will not physically see or touch, most of the people i love so dearly until next summer. July, can you believe it? it seems as if summer just ended, yet that's how long i'm going to have to wait. heat, pools, summer jobs, long days, barbecues, and birthdays. when all these things return, that's when i'll be home again.
saying goodbye this weekend, i wasn't sure i could ever figure out how to say to my friends and family the depths to which i love and appreciate them. you see, it's not like i think i'm going to lose everyone, no, it's more like i know the relationships will never be the same, i know how much people can change and i'm mourning the loss of how perfect everything is right now. do you see Rose's expression in this userpic (windsong_icons)? this sublimely beautiful userpic which will stay on my journal for a long time to come? do you see how stricken she is? (admittedly, it helps to've seen this scene) well, that's kind of how i feel. it's as if everything i've lived my life for is leaving. but what my friends have taught me in these past few days is that in the end, the truest and most honest thing for me to tell them is what i whispered in Danilo's ear: "You already know everything I want to say."
love yous!