Your Artemis

non-entry

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 05:30:14 GMT

i will flick back to this one after the holidays, but i thought i could use a more seasonal icon. and here we are, with Rudolph and and Clarice! i don't normally like animated ones, but i can accept this for Christmas, haha. besides, it's a more romantic little picture and i'm in the mood for that this year. i was very very tempted to take a Hermey one instead from eyesthatslay's nice entry, seeing as he's my favourite character in the whole special. how cute is he, seriously?!
to anyone that hasn't seen this (yes, that means you, Lee) it's an absolute must! the viewing of the "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" television special is one of my family's enduring traditions, for obvious reasons. and anyway, it's a beautiful story, timelessly charming, and quite funny too. which kid doesn't have fond memories of Yukon Cornelius, right? and an elf who'd rather pull teeth than make toys? genius! though i will admit, that abominable snowman is scary. on top of it all, there's a nice moral lesson taught too: even misfits can be loved! awww, i adore it. alongside the Grinch, Frosty, and Charlie Brown - this is a true Christmas classic.
ohhh, happy happy Rudolph-love.

inspriation

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 17:53:14 GMT

Christmas songs!
which are your favourites?
it's my job to create a nice (ie. not tacky) playlist for our Christmas dinner this Friday, and i'd like as many good songs as i can get. so, which music really puts you in the holiday mood?

PS* snowwwwwww! Toronto's finally got it. dumb big cities, we're always the last. it's just flurries so far, but feels very atmospheric.

quite possibly

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 18:28:05 GMT

and very very easily, i think this is one of the best entries i've ever written. at any rate, it's one of my favourites. i don't know why i went looking for it just now, i think it occurred to me that i hadn't read from that journal in awhile, and that might perk me up a bit.
no worries, i'm doing okay, i suppose i wonder sometimes if life will ever, can ever be that carelessly amazing again. and do you know, even if that's impossible, i'm willing to still spend the rest of my life trying to achieve that state of happiness again.

PS - my perverse life. here's what was going on about a year from now.

5 months

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 15:31:55 GMT

it used to pass quickly. the first five months in England... they felt like they were going to last forever, in the best possible way. when i think of everything that happened! and yet, the time just disappears. it's been five months since i've walked the ground of that beloved country. five months seems like such an inconsequential number, i guess, but this thought simply occurred to me this morning. it'll be another 9 weeks until i'm there again. it's a flawed nation, but has great potential. in many ways, my heart has belonged to Britain for many years. i cannot wait to fly fly fly to Gatwick.

dreaming

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 06:46:55 GMT

all i ask is that we get a chance at a happily ever after. that i have no passport problems, that we find a house to live in, that we go on a mini-break for his next birthday, that he graduates and we work wherever we like in the UK, that we visit Canada every once in awhile, that we get happily married.
quite simply, for now all i ask is that these next months fly by, that i can run my fingers through his hair, that i can feel his arms around me, that he cooks me a curry, and that we fall asleep together... that time could speed up, and then STOP.
all i ask is that he keeps loving me.

fashion woes

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 03:40:21 GMT

i normally hate Top Shop and pride myself on the fact that the only thing i bought there were a pair of fabulously shiny gold shoes. (personally, i find that shop to be a treasure trove of tackiness.) but... i want this coat so bad. is it not the most beautiful thing?
but... it's in England and £120. and what do i do? hope like mad that by the time February rolls around it's on offer. eeek.
i want to do a big ol' British fashion/accessory post: What I would be wearing in the UK this week were I not broke nor an ocean away. it's fun to dream, no?

ps* new icon by onlydreamers. if you're a Canadian, then you believe in Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams, haha. which girl didn't like The Notebook? sure, it's not very original or realistic, but it is a cute story and everyone smiles at some point or another.

rollercoaster

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 05:32:50 GMT

this weekend has certainly had its ups and downs. i will get into the details sometime (we had a nice evening with Danilo, for instance) but now i'll get to the point. i booked my February flight to England!! i've known i was going for a long time, but now that it's a "sure thing" and i have an exact date to look forward to... it's so nice. i'll be leaving here in the afternoon on Friday the 5th, arriving at Gatwick in the morning on the 6th. take a train up to York, et voila! utter ecstasy. i leave again on the morning of the 21st. cos it's an early flight i (and likely Christoph) will be in a hostel in London the night before. but if that's the price i pay to spend a couple extra days there, i'm all for it. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

pleased pleased pleased

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 07:14:36 GMT

i have finally finished packing Chris's birthday and Christmas parcel!
coming to a mailbox near you...

well, maybe not near you. maybe not even to a country near you, haha. but you get the point.
personally, i'm happy with how it turned out. i did tape it all up after this, no worries. i wish i could tell you what was in here, but i would hate to ruin the surprise. i've arts-and-crafted myself out for awhile, haha. what can i say? Chris inspires me. he inspires me to be the best possible girlfriend, the best possible version of me i can be.
i can't wait to hear what he thinks of everything! and i just hope it arrives undamaged. even if it's a little late, if it's undamaged, i would be okay. i've never been more excited about sending anything in the mail. well, maybe my application to the York exchange, haha, but very little else! even my parcel home for Christmas last year didn't excite me as much as this one. (though god knows i loved the York railway poster for Dad...)
eeeeeeeeeeek. i can't wait until December 22nd now. and i've prepared hardly anything else for the holidays, yikes!

"i'm such a fucking lady"

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 02:19:06 GMT

i'm not a Rihanna fan, but that line cracks me up every time. on a semi-related note, i introduced Dave and Adri to a little Lily Allen this weekend, haha. while every instinct was telling him not to be a fan of "Fuck You", Dave did like it, haha, and we've been laughing about it ever since. say what you want about Lily, but she's a bit of a genius.
i'm in the midst of putting together a parcel to send to England. with Christmas coming up, and Chris's birthday on the 22nd, it's worth spending the money to send some special things. i bought a few things, and went quite arts-and-craftsy original with some others. (i'd post pictures, but don't want to risk Chris seeing.) a little proud of myself, not gonna lie. it's been a productive day in terms of that, but i haven't done much else that i'd planned to. (namely, the big shop - no food!) still, when it's not stressful, i do love getting into the Christmas mood. i had my iTunes radio on today (Radio-Hamburg yay) and even listened to some Vinyl Cafe. god, i even watched a bit of Oprah today! she did an episode with (most of) the cast of Nine, a film i'm quite intrigued by. then i covered up my shame, haha, by reading some e.e. cummings poetry.
with less than two weeks left of school, the assignments are piling up again, but i'm on top of it. thank god for not having any essays. i'm most nervous about my Filming Lit test next week, as i have no idea what to expect. but the Gatsby presentation should be a breeze, as should the French tests. so yes, haha, my biggest source of pressure right now is Christmas! so many things to keep in mind and get ready... i've bought some lovely cards which i'm hoping to send off to England, Germany, and Holland next week.
i went out to the Eh!U Festival last night with Adriana. we went to see Oorlogswinter, or Winter in Wartime, a Dutch film. i bumped into Michel, my manager there, haha - of all places! the festival is in Little Italy, and the films - which are screened in this lovely older theatre - are free to see! needless to say, it was packed. the film was absolutely incredible! much better than i'd expected, and i'd recomend it to anyone. in fact, here's the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UPpJN8bWak. it was so intense. war films often are, i guess. there were moments of laughter, but i was frozen by fear a few times as well. aaah, so good! there's a German movie on Sunday, which i hope to see. if not that, then there's an interesting-sounding Slovenian one on Monday, hmm.
not much else planned for tonight. the other two are still in class, but should be home within the hour. good ol' night courses. my room's a tip, have to clear off my bed before sinking into it tonight. we might watch an episode or two of HIMYM. Dave and Adri are now about a third of the way through season four. as for my thoughts on season five? so far, it's about average. there have been some awesome episodes, but there were some less-than-stellar ones as well. i'm waiting (perhaps in vain?) for them to get back to the main storyline, to focus on Ted's quest to find a wife. i do adore Ted. unless the writers do that soon, i think they risk becoming more of a mainstream sitcom, something they've so far been brilliantly successful at avoiding.

bedeviled

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 08:05:23 GMT

everyone knows that music has the capability to transport you through time and space. everyone has those songs, the ones which deliver you in seconds to a faraway place and a time long ago, the ones which you will always treasure.
when there's no background noise, when i close my eyes and listen to "Devil's Thunder", i'm instantly transported back to my room in Goodricke. after hearing it on Private Practice for the first time last spring, i played it over and over again. when i was getting ready in the morning, while i was doing research, when i came home from class, when i needed cheering up, when i wanted to sing out loud - this song was always on. it's a beautiful piece.
and so now? listening sends me right back. i can visualise my room in perfect detail. i can hear the muffled sounds from Alex and Deren's rooms. i can feel the sun shining in through my window. i can smell my fresh laundry drying. i can feel my blue plaid sheets beneath my fingertips. i can see ducks waddling through the grass. for a few precious minutes, i'm there.

over 100 listenings later, certain music can still take you by surprise. this song, like many other things, almost overwhelms me with nostalgia.

good lord

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 17:56:00 GMT

have i missed conversations with my Jackiebear.

long-awaited course descriptions

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 22:34:13 GMT

a particularly academically inspiring afternoon has led me to this. despite my whining about coursework and professors, i do thoroughly enjoy the subject matter of all (okay, all but one) of my classes this year. i'm so happy to be in a program which allows me to, in one week, rediscover my love for the Gatsby, see the value in my York UK historiography module, learn with delight about Wilhelm II's indiscretions, analyse Edith Wharton's subtle wit, and laugh out loud at Jack Nicholson's utter creepiness.
and now, because i'm organised and efficient (and let's face it, Prussian) like that...

German History (from 1871-present)
Monday 3-6, with Danilo and Richard
Professor Bargain: French; third year PhD candidate, doing his thesis on a comparison of the interwar period in the (oddly, uniquely) Catholic regions of Brittany and Bavaria. he's prone to saying politically incorrect things, and can be absolutely hilarious. clearly a new tutor, but fantastic at it. tends to do more traditional lectures with a political/military focus - don't like it, but it's oddly refreshing. i want him to be to History what Djordjevic is to English
analysis: god love the Germans. we began with the 1840s, and it's been interesting ever since. Danilo and i have a grand ol' time making jokes and laughing at our professor. the workload isn't too bad, though the reading is a bit on the beastly side. there are a few know-it-alls in the class who are difficult to be patient with, but it's nice to one-up them sometimes with my superior knowledge of the German language, ha. every week we do a little case study on one of Germany's states, which i find is a good approach to such a diverse society. turns out, Canada isn't the only nation in a constant state of identity crisis. my main problem with any History course is i've got a lousy memory when it comes to names/dates/locations. if it's something important, or i'm fascinated by it, or i've studied it 100x, i've got a better shot at remembering. however, every little detail about Bismarck's Kulturkampf does trouble me. naturally, this course was always going to intrigue me, and i'm happy to be taking it.
currently studying: the late Wilhelmine Era and the beginning of WWI. i love studying events i'm familiar with from a new perspective, you really do realise how Britain-based our curriculum is, haha.
next assignment: ugh. amusing though Bargain is, he is far too structured with his assignments. our first major essay (that is, over 4 pages) is due in January, and is historiographical. okay. however, every single one of us (and there are like, 40) will be writing on the same topic. since it happened, this is the most overdone topic in German History, and i am highly doubtful any of us wee undergrads will reach new conclusions. we have to ask ourselves, could Nazism have been avoided? good god. i don't know about you, and to a certain extent it's even grotesque to say it, but i for one, am finished with the Nazis. academically, that aspect of German history holds very little attraction for me. for a professor who's very knowledgeable about and respectful of Germany (especially as a Frenchman), you'd think he'd see how awful this seems. i mean, in my opinon, as much as Hitler, the Holocaust and Nazism are a part of German history - can't we please realise that that was decades ago, and the Germans need to be studied from a new standpoint? i don't know...

Intermediate French
Tuesday 12-3, with Richard and Julia
Professor Paradis: best French professor i've ever had at Glendon. which isn't saying much, to be fair. i've long been opposed to espousing the so-called virtues of Glendon's French departments. i maintain that unless you are francophone, or are majoring in French - you will be excruciatingly disappointed with your French experiences at York's proudly bilingual college. anyway, Paradis is the single exception, and it took me till final year to find him. he's everything the others should aspire to be: efficient, logical, friendly, always speaks in French, practical, realistic, and has high expectations. in less eloquent words, he gets shit done. in my case, i think it's a little late for this. i think i had a higher grasp of the French language in Grade 12 than i ever have since. Paradis is letting me regain that. i have always been a strong student in French, and now i feel as if i'm rightfully beginning to deserve my grades again. Paradis grew up in Québec City, is a certified veterinarian, has four cats, and commutes in every day from Kitchener. he's dedicated to his cause: us, a misfit group of anglophones who are disenchanted by Glendon and desperately in need of inspiration.
analysis: well, the nature of Paradis kind of sums this up. we're actually doing things. and while a lot of this is grammatical and historical review for me, he keeps it interesting nonetheless. the course is designed to teach us more about grammar, Québec's history and culture, and dialectical differences through the analysis of Québecois songs from the 1759 Conquest onwards. i already learned a lot of the history in Skene's Grade 12 class (and from Mom), but i still find it fascinating. it's a bit challenging to find intriguing periods in Canadian history, but the 1960s and 70s in Québec is definitely one of them.
currently studying: well, the class has been paired off to do our own analyses of various songs, and present them. Julia and i were the first to go (and nailed it, i might add) so now we're kind of just sitting back and listening to Pink Floyd-esque songs and learning about the northern Québec logging industry, ahaha. no, it's quite fun.
next assignment: err. we do one reading test and one listening test online per week. and now, leading up to December, we have a test or two a week: reading, listening, grammar, etc.

History of the English Language
Tuesday 3-6
Professor ?: not a clue about his name. this is the one i was supposed to have with Mary Catherine Davidson (second year Grammar professor) but after the first week she fell ill and won't return till January. in the meantime, we've got this retired linguistics professor. and good god, i can see why he's retired. he's basically a dinosaur. probably hasn't changed his method since the 70s. everything about him screams "tradition!" which is the total opposite of what i knew and loved about MC's method. he openly admits to telling us more than we need to know, and then won't tell us what those "need to know" points are. he's been here for two months and doesn't know a single name in the class, each time he asks questions he goes through the attendance list. we've done A-H a dozen times, i'll probably never get a shot. his chalkboard writing is less intelligble than the futhorc he's talking about. i don't know, i can't wait for MC to come back.
analysis: not the course i was expecting. i'm all for the history. i mean, Saxons have never been particularly interesting to me, but that's the least i wanted out of this course. we do very little "outer history", so when we do - i lap it up. despite the dullness (in my opinion!) of British history circa 450-1600c.e. i do cling to those moments. it helps that whenever some references crop up in my textbook, i feel all warm and fuzzy inside. examples include: Battle (the place), Old Sarum, the War of the Roses, the Magna Carta, and even Alcuin of York - you can imagine why. however, dear Professor ? puts nearly all the emphasis on linguistics and phonetics. i get it, this is an English course, but... it's not everything! i mean, god, the ability to translate Old English texts to Present Day English isn't even a desired outcome of the course! i don't know. they're pretty much the most boring 3hrs of my week.
currently studying: Middle English morphology.
next assignment: err, a test in two weeks. we're supposed to have an outline for our final essay due in February, and i want to get started on that as soon as possible (to avoid interference with my visit). will have to wait until MC gets back. the only topic i can conceivably think to write on would be the evolution of dialectical differences in England. yes?

American Novel as Historical Document
Thursday 2:30-5:30 (Keele)
Professor Egnal: an absolute oddity. has unrealistc expectations of our writing skills. wants to bond with us over discussions of iPhone apps during break. is born and bred American. historical specialty is Civil War economy. prone to pushing his thematic "one big arc" to the extreme. and, very very very badly - is definitely one of those tutors who wants you to conform entirely to his interpretation. granted, a lot of the time i think he's on the right track, but... i don't like his method in that regard. he's not big on dissent, and while he encourages debate - you will find yourself pushed to his way of thinking.
analysis: i like American history, i like American literature. in fact, quite a bit of the time i'd find it more interesting and challenging to study an American work than a British - ha! this is the one course that i find is completely worth all my time and effort. it's the ideal mix between History and English, and fascinates me to no end. it challenges my way of literary interpretation because i have to abandon a lot of what i've been taught, and do naturally, and begin to look at literature from a historical perspective. The Scarlet Letter is not a document of the 17th century, but of 1850. we began with Sedgwick's Hope Leslie and end with Russo's Empire Falls. we look at the gothic, genteel, modern, and postmodern traditions and how they are reflective of and caused by societal shifts. ahhh, it's great. my classmates are a mixed bunch, but we do okay. three hours with 20 students can be claustrophobic and frustrating, but since we all had to apply and be approved to enter this class, no one's a moron undeserving of respect, haha.
currently studying: The Age of Innocence, and loving it.
next assignment: firstly, rewriting my previous essay. we had to do a book review on a work of literary criticism (i honestly don't know how those straight History kids did it, if i didn't have my English Lit background, i'd've been lost). i picked, more cos of the name than anything else, Leslie Fiedler's 1960 Love and Death in the American Novel. wow, 500pages later... and i'm in awe. Fiedler's ideas are now standard lines of thought in criticism, but it's neat to consider that they were revolutionary at the time of publication. anyway, it was a dense and confusing read. in the end, all students except one were asked to rewrite! we saw it coming, he warned us about this on Day 1. he's very critical of grammar, sentence structure, essay structure, etc. and like i said - you need to do it his way. needless to say, that can be stifling but frankly - i just want to get the good grade, you know? i'll make the changes and be done with it. we're not being punished, and can receive full marks for the rewrite. all i can compare this to is my experiences with the "procedural essays" of England - same idea.
anyway, have to do that rewrite. in two weeks i have a presentation involving a literary analysis of The Great Gatsby. my dream, in other words. and for January we have to do a chunky essay utilising the methods we have in class to historically analyse a novel written by one of the author's on our course list. i'd love to do another Fitzgerald, quite honestly, but i'm not sure how well i could tie it in to American history, him and his expatriates... so i'll probably do Wharton's The House of Mirth.

Filming Literature
Friday 12:30-2:30, 3:30-4:30 (Keele)
Professor Balfour: hilarious. has this sly wit. thinks delightfully little of his students. asks how many have read The Mysteries of Udolpho or seen ___ by Vincent Price or recognize the name Derrida, and then says, "I shudder to think how many of you have already seen Clueless." he also happens to have priceless anecdotes. he was this close to bringing down the Bush Sr.'s presidential campagin, haha, and doesn't even exagerrate.
TA Neil: is an eager man, haha. amusing and talkative and loud. PhD candidate, focusing on literary theory. tries to teach us quickly about all sorts of -isms and -ists.
analysis: so great. so so great. we're studying book/movie pairings by genre, from The Wizard of Oz to The Minority Report. musicals and laughter to murder and incest. there are movies by black people, women, Canadians and everything in between, haha. can't help but be great, really. Balfour is very knowledgeable of both film and literature, and i'm amazed by how much i'm learning about philosophy, psychology, history, and of course - the adaptation process. every week is something new. and ohhh, weird and pretentious Film students abound, it's fun.
currently studying: The Shining, eek. am a fan of neither the book nor film, but that isn't to say it isn't challenging or eye-opening.
next assignment: an in-class test in a few weeks. we have an essay due in January, but i have no idea what it's about.

if you read all of that, congratulations. i'll have a reference point for when i look back on this in the future. it's somewhere to identify "famous last words", at any rate!
aside from this and Spooks, i've done a lot of reading today, and hope to do more tonight. there shall be little distractions: Dave's cooped up in his room and Adri's out watching some Spanish film. with work yesterday, and my evenings out with Kit and Novak - i feel no real urge to socialise.

comparison

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:07:59 GMT

2009: wandering around Yorkville with my mum, being disgusted by how many adventspyramiden and other traditional "German" Christmas decorations are now labelled as being made in China.

2008: booking my two-week trip to Germany where i will see real pyramiden at the Weihnachtsmarkten in Hamburg and Lüneburg.

just one of my many "life is perverse" thoughts!
life is going alright though. not too overwhelmed by schoolwork for once. it is grey and rainy in good ol' Toronto, but i can leave "the big shop" until tomorrow morning if need be. Chris is back from his dad's (how i miss Laughton!) and i got to speak to him for the first time in days, and we've got another chat scheduled for tonight. have begun my collection of things to send in a Christmas parcel, as opposed to having it all just written down on a list. Mom's birthday plans all went really well, she had a fantastic time. all week i've been trying to arrange plans with Danilo, Novak and Kit. (together or separately, really doesn't matter!) but so far none have come to fruition. not that it's any of their fault, this is a busy time of year. Novak has some big philosophy essay, Kit works, and Danilo's prepping for Round Two of the LSATs. with any luck, Kit and i can grab a coffee tomorrow evening! November is looking up.

notes

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 23:51:38 GMT

i just found out that i'm to expect a letter from my Weave! it makes me happy. i've been missing her so.
also, gift ideas? my mum's turning 50 and i don't know what to get her. she's got all the jewellery she needs, and is not a shawl/candle/bath shite type person.
pesto pasta for tea, mmm.

"resistance is futile!"

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:03:38 GMT

Here are the rules:

• Leave me a comment saying "Resistance is Futile."
• I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can satisfy my curiosity
• Update your journal with the answers to the questions
• Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions

spacegarden asked me these questions:

1. What's your least favourite thing about English culture as a whole?

Any one of my Brits could probably answer this for you. My least favourite thing is the drinking culture, their attitude towards alcohol. I can't get over its constant presence in their society. Most social events include it - if not revolve around it - and I despise that. I wouldn't be surprised if there are more binge-drinkers there than anywhere else in Europe. They must have one of the biggest populations of alcoholics. Just a pint easily becomes two or four or more. I hate young girls and alcohol, what it turns them into. The absolute cheapness of drinks does not help. University freshers' weeks rely on alcohol. Many people have seen their own parents drunk, which disgusts me. Study after study comes out showing how they as a country are only getting worse, and yet - hey! nothing seems to be being done. I hate how down-played the frightening aspects of all this are, how easily excused away. I could clearly go on, but you get the gist!

2. How many kids do you plan on having these days?

Haha, I do remember wanting 4 once upon a time... Nowadays it's probably more realistic to say 3. At least one of each gender.

3. What's the worst movie you've ever seen in theatres?

I'm sure there are many candidates, but the one which first springs to mind is Jeepers Creepers 2. (Do you remember that?! Good god.) Actually, I could've said Watchmen, but no, I think it deserves a bit more credit, haha.

4. In your Toronto university experience - do you prefer living in res or in the apartment?

Res, for sure. I like this apartment (having a kitchen!) and I like having more freedom but ultimately... res was cheaper, closer to class, and there were way more people about. Mind, given that it's fourth year and I've got more work than ever, maybe it's best to socialise less?

5. If you were given a million dollars but it had to go to a charitable cause - where would the money go?

Ooh, tough one. I'd have to do a 75/25 split between the Canadian Cancer Society and World Wildlife Federation. I do love me some furry creatures, but I think cancer's the greatest threat of all.

the atmosphere

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:15:29 GMT

sessions. swift halves. pints. bitters. catch ups. a half for the road. cider. pub quizzes. socials. "shopping". pub crawls. pie and a pint.
god knows there are things i dislike about it, but i do miss pub life.

when...

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 01:28:48 GMT

or rather, how did my life slip away from me?
i feel like everything's beyond my control, yet all my fault. suddenly i have no say anymore, that i've irrevocably screwed things up. i feel like all i'm doing is waiting for one thing or another. getting through each of these past few days has been an immense struggle. it's as if the only thing going right with my life right now is Chris. we're as in love as ever and i feel extraordinarily lucky to have him, but then - even look at that! it's not perfect either, an expansive 3000km gap between us.
i don't know. schoolwork, my health, Rahier, keeping in contact with the Brits... i'm falling to pieces. i guess November's always a crap month, but this one's off to a particularly bad start. i just need some time off from worry and anxiety. i need Tuesday afternoon to get here. i need to get over this weekend, and survive the next two days of class. on the one hand, you know, i couldn't be happier that i'm growing up, that this is my final year, that i'm almost free and able to fly to England. but on the other hand... growing up is a pain in the ass. it never gets easy. i can't help feeling powerless and confused and without any real direction.
what i could really use is a big, squeeze-the-life-out-of-you hug. i could use Dutchie to talk to, and Chris to lay down with. everything seems to be exacerbated by the fact that i feel stranded.

quick note

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:47:59 GMT

i am alive, no worries.
drowning under work, of course, but still alive. as it were, i do have lots of things to write and tell, but it's difficult to find the time. i want to tell you all about the courses i'm taking, and my professors. i'd like to update you on how things are going with Chris. i'd like to tell you about the lovely(!) letters i receive from Europe (Royal Mail strike notwithstanding) and how much i dearly miss my Brits. then there's my life here, my Glendon Mondays where i crash at Danilo's and we have our weekly evening together (including watching HIMYM, oh yes), or my frustrations with Loblaws shopping or the extortionate TTC. and the weather! good god, when did it become November? it's already snowing at Dave's home in Fergus, and i don't think we'll be denied the pleasure much longer. it's hovering around 0 degrees already. i'm wearing clothing i haven't touched in over a year, haha, having deemed most of my British garments unacceptable! and of course, there's my new job at the patisserie/boulangerie Rahier. i've got two more shifts this weekend before i'm put on the official roster.
aaaaah, so much. today after American Novel class i met up with my dear Lauren the Canadian. we basically talked nonstop for 5hrs; i eventually had to come back home. it was brilliant. we're compatible and agreed on so many things - and she is the nearest as as anyone (considering she is neither Dutchie nor has a boyfriend) to understanding and sympathising with me. she's planning on moving back there soon too, with a 2yr youth visa - yay. god i hope she gets it. the sentence most uttered was probably, "YES! Oh my god, that's exactly it!" or something along those lines. it was an absolutely fantastic evening.
anyway, time for bed soon. Christoph's written another lovely email, and i'm very tired. was up till 4 (i know, i know) writing an essay, ack. tomorrow we're watching Clueless in Filming Lit - good times! and then working with French partner Julia on our presentation - bad times... going to be another eventful week.

PS - i adore this new icon ( ogeeicons) - Hathaway is my guilty pleasure sweetheart. cannot wait for new Lewis to air, although i'm contented with Spooks for the moment!

PPS - also, Dee: please tell me Mac's Comm kids were this awesome during frosh week this year? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zcOFN_VBVo

damn

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 15:22:29 GMT

what a night.
it was, in short, epic.
i haven't written in here in ages, and i suppose lots has happened. i'm going in for training tomorrow at a cute cafe/shoppe called Rahier, down on Bayview. the manager seems really nice, and on top of which - every time he emails me he slips some German in, haha. only more impressive because he's French. we'll see how it goes, but i've got a good feeling.
last night, of course, was Danilofest. we went to Bar 244 in the end (best identified as "the one with the brick wall"). there were about 25 people out in total, and we had about 12 over for the pre-drink here. one of the little ones, Sarah, and i got along great. i mean, we've got enough in common! she spent a few months working in London, dated Danilo for awhile, and is an atheist. mind, that's probably where the similarities stop, but it looks like we've got loads to talk about for awhile. there was a great turn-out, all things considered, and happily - i felt comfortable with all of them. it was a really, really fun night. first time i've gone out since coming back from England, and it definitely could've been a lot worse. i got to know Danilo's little second years better (they are sweet), and a lot of his Serbs were there (of course!) who i recognized too. especially my darling Marko, what a sweetheart. considering i was quite tipsy before we even left here (glass of wine, glass of port, and about four servings of gin? haha yeah) i ended up having two more drinks at the club and being just fine. danced most of the time, and it was a lot of fun. unfortunately (and amusing, cos Danilo told the little ones how well his upper-year friends can hold their liquor) Adri and Sarah were quite a handful. like, Adri was already sleeping on the subway and needed propping up. needless to say, it kinda sucked cos you always had to keep an eye on them, and Dave - being the guy - spent a fair bit of his night looking after them. bad times. but, other than that, was fantastic. there was one of those professional photographer chappies there, so we're keen to see our nice photos up online sometime soon. the DJ wasn't bad (will always miss Tru! no matter how predictable...) and there were enough of us just laughing and smiling away to really enjoy ourselves. best of all, it seems as Danilo had a wonderful night too. and not just cos he got some drunken action from Starr, haha. he and i were exchanging glances and grins the whole night. was home by about 3, which isn't too bad. and today? no hangover! just general aches, and exhaustion. oh, and an apartment to clean up, eek. there will be quite a few great stories, and maybe even some interesting photos! i'm very pleased with how it all turned out. best of all, not including the alcohol i bought for here (which was what, maybe $15?) i spent $25 out, including cab fare. not that bad at all! hopefully it won't be too long till we get to go out again.
the thought has been building in my mind all week, but last night it really came true: as much as i love England, it will be massively difficult to leave this place.

PS - we found the poutine place. a whole menu with different types of poutine, mmm
PPS - there was a guy there who looked remarkably like Christoph. except taller, if you can believe it. when Danilo and i saw him we just mimed "the hair!" across the room, haha.
PPPS - Adri picked up a Cuban guy from Miami. eek

highlight of my week

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 16:45:13 GMT

i was chatting this morning to Chris on Skype. he's been having a great fresher's week so far. Sunday, the first night, was "wild and very very fun" and gave birth to many funny stories about Jack, Lee, and everyone else. those poor little freshers mustn't know what's hit them. i sent a massive (and i mean, 4,000 words massive) email to Dutchie, catching her up on my life and as much York gossip as i knew. according to Jackiebear - Mark and Faye have split up! madness. and so brilliant.
anyway, chatting to Chris, and my laptop started acting up so i came up onto Mom's computer. he said he'd have time for maybe 15mins more. he told me about going out for a pint with Lee last night, and i was very jealous! sounds like they had a nice time. anyway, as Christoph and i were talking, Jack rang and said he'd be round in a few minutes. sure enough, there was a loud knock on the door and in walks my sweetheart! just the same as ever, bless. full of lively stories and rumours, haha. we talked for a bit, and then Ngaio came in too. she's looking well. just sitting with the two of them (Jack had, very cheekily(!) asked Chris if he could have some of Chris's dinner too, so Chris went down to the kitchen to sort it out) was absolutely wonderful. the banter and casualness. in some ways, we haven't changed since July, and it was nice to see they're as lovely as ever. then Chris came back up, with Arthur trailing behind. Arthur had brought some tea for all them, haha. then there were four of them, with Jack and Ngaio both trying to tell me things, and Chris and Arthur dancing up a rave in the background. i couldn't stop grinning, it was fantastic. almost, almost, like old times. that's what Ngaio said, delightedly, and Jack pointed out, "Yeah, it is. 'Cept Steph's in a box." hahaha. i loved it. then they dispersed and i was left with Jack again. he told me a story about his travels in Eastern Europe, and then Emily came in to chat as well! she was confused about what to wear tonight (there's a Wild West fancy dress night at Yates's) with her freshers. then she and Jack both left, and Ngaio came in. Chris's room was like Grand Central Station, i swear! in and out, in and out - absolutely marvelous. we talked for a bit more, said bye, and she shouted (that little woman has the most powerful lungs) for Chris. up and in he came, and we spoke for a few more minutes before saying goodbye. i told him that that last hour was the highlight of my week, and told him to send them all my love. he assured me he would, and knows they've been missing me as well.
it's moments like that which make me realise yet again that i must go back. one hour, and really - it was the highlight of my week. i know it was a blip in time for them, but i'll be smiling at the memory for days.

sunscreen

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 21:49:53 GMT

i don't have time to write, so take this for now. i was listening to British iTunes radio, and smiled when this song came on:

lyrics here.

how time flies

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 01:54:01 GMT

today i was at Keele helping out at their International Fair. i spent 4hrs talking to exchange hopefuls, doing my best to convince them that doing this would be the best decision of their lives. it was so wonderful, seeing their faces, getting all excited. i loved being an inspiration. i loved that i could tell them about the best year of my life, and not have to lie one bit. it's just true. i hope they have the the time of their lives too. i envied their position, somehow, with one of the best experiences yet to come. i loved talking about York and England and how incredible it was, and sharing the love.
so what was the hardest part? the strangest part?
exactly one year ago, i was on the plane to England. i was embarking on the greatest adventure of my life. high on the sheer possibilities ahead. so full of hope and excitement and anticipation, and surprisingly little fear. i was on my way to York. sure, i couldn't know it then, but it would become the city of my heart. i'd left behind quite a lot, granted, but most of it would pale in comparison to the life i was only just beginning. my Britain. the people, the places, the culture, the memories. one year ago, i still had it all ahead of me. i remember that entire day so clearly, the first 30hrs especially (it was ages till i first went to bed). i couldn't sleep, too much adrenaline. so many photographs and take-in-the-moment pauses and tears of joy and chills down my spine. the moment my feet stepped out of the plane, onto the metal walkway, and that first brisk breath of 4-in-the-morning air hit my face... i'll never forget it. it was the day my life changed, and i could feel it.
i cannot believe how time has flown. i remember visiting the International Fair myself, two years ago. i remember it clearly too. and i remember the last October 8th. fourth year, back in Canada, graduating in less than a year. "How did it get so late so soon?" these next few days are going to be rough, they're jampacked with moments of me remembering back to this time last year. Fresher's Week 2008. oh, what a defining moment. twelve months, three hundred and sixty five (or six? it was a Wednesday, afterall) days. a year ago, i had no idea who Chris was, (or Dutchie or Lee or Hannah or anyone else), i didn't know what Tipex was or courgettes or the alternative Iceland. i'd never seen Beachy Head or Notting Hill or Edinburgh Castle. so much was still to come.
the day i fell in love with York, and all the brilliance which followed. i'll cherish the memory forever.

7 days later

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 15:48:36 GMT

almost seven days. it's been one of the slowest weeks of my life. feels like a month should have gone by.
i've been trying to keep occupied as much as i can, but it's touch and go. i'm still prone to having crying fits. there's lots for me to do for class, but most of it's reading, and so if the material's boring, it's easy for my mind to wander.
Chris seems to be settling back into York quite well. aside from Lee and Jack, everyone's back in the city. Rupert (Emily's nickname for their house) and Windmill Lane (home of Vicki, Ellie, Harriet, and Anthony) are both full. i saw Arthur briefly on Chris's Skype the other day, and it felt really strange. i mean, i know Chris is there, but often when i talk to him he's just in his room alone. seeing Arthur, and hearing the girls chatting away outside... it's new, somehow. i wish i could be there. Chris has been busy with American football training most of the week. he's hardly gotten a chance to do cooking, although he's already made one of the recipes i gave him. (for our one year anniversary - this Sunday - i made him a cookbook filled with recipes i knew/thought he'd enjoy. not just Indian or Thai, but all sorts of stuff. i had to admit to being pleased with the finished work.) he already went out for drinks with the football lads, and went to a party for one of Hannah's housemate's last night. he hasn't been sleeping all that much, which i have a feeling is going to kill him by the time classes start. a week of training (and they have at least 2 sessions a day) followed by a week of (pretty much) mandatory taking the freshers out into town to get drunk (okay, some nights they may stay on campus to drink, haha) will take its toll on him. eeeek. still, i would give anything to be there doing it with him! he's going to a Porcupine Tree concert tomorrow in Leeds, and cos of conflicting schedules i won't get to speak to him again until Saturday evening. after that, the freshers arrive, and it all goes downhill! haha. i've heard that the new Goodricke is amazing, so i'll demand a few photos. still, they just have accomodations built, so the kids will be spending much of their time on the main campus. it's sad to think that the fantastic feel of old Goodricke, the home of Cell and Dungeon Blocks along with much else, will be gone. i hope these new students learn to appreciate their college's wonderful, spirited history.
reading week next week, oddly enough. i don't know what we did before it, i can't imagine continuing on now till Christmas, with just a few long weekends. granted, i've got oral surgery and will be a bit out of it, but i'm hoping to really be productive.
my friends here have been doing their best, i suppose, to help me. Adri's being herself, haha, which can be blissfully distracting at times. Dave, however, has been spending lots of time with Dora, haha. after some begging, i did manage to get Danilo over that one night. so last night, i think Dave was feeling a bit guilty, Dave suggested to the other two that they take me out for some Demetre's for dessert, mmm. it was a much needed break from feeling lonely and/or sad. we had some tasty tasty waffles, and talked about all the best things: Jon & Kate Plus 8, Harry Potter v LotR, reliving fond memories, football, etc etc. afterwards, on a sugar/caffeine high, we all came back to the apartment. the guys bullied Adri and i into playing some good ol' Goldeneye on the N64. we were given high handicaps, and i got to play Sean Bean's Alec Trevelyan, yayyyy. after that, there were a few rounds of Super Smash Bros., but i really don't like that game, and eventually the others tired of it too. were about to do MarioKart when Danilo suggested we watch a few episodes of HIMYM, thank god. around 1ish, Danilo went home.
it was like old times, in a way, and nice. if the rest of the year could be like that, i'm sure it would fly by. i only hope that, even with our busy schedules there're more nights like that ahead.
now, for the moral dilemma: Jordan's kegger or Danilofest?

what doesn't help

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 23:35:04 GMT

what doesn't help is the loneliness. when there's a big reunion going on in Gallery, and your boyfriend's out with many of your mutual friends, being alone in your apartment isn't exactly the most cheerful of times.
not just missing Chris, and the Brits, but people in general. while Chris was here, it was almost a blessing to have the apartment to ourselves, but now i dread it. it's bad enough that i don't live in res, on a corridor anymore. having 16 other people around was lovely 90% of the time. (and that's a lot of the time.) i loved having my best friend just around the corner, and my boyfriend, and the girls who were so friendly and the men who made me laugh out loud. even at Glendon, living with Dave and Danilo was blissful, and there was hardly a dull moment. but here, it's like... it's an effort to arrange for someone to visit, because then someone has to pay money for transit or even if you just want to watch a movie, that one and a half hours becomes three with the distance. sure, i've got friends elsewhere in the city, but organizing that is difficult too, and they're not exactly people i can just drop by casually with. i don't know. i have class often enough during the week to keep me busy, and i do manage to get all my work done in fairly good time - but then what? it's a different kind of living alone. or living together, i guess. i was independent enough in res, yes, but i still love having people around. so far, apartment life pales in comparison to life in halls.
(don't get me wrong, i love Dave. but now that he and Dora are officially together, he's around less and less.)
actually, this is kind of untrue. i'm here on my own quite a bit, notably so, but maybe just as often it's me and Adri in the apartment. it's brutal. today, she lectured me about curry, of all things. just to give an example. living with her is the biggest exercise of self-restraint. but that's the thing... lest i snap and kill her, when it's just me and her, i kind of hide in my room. i don't like sitting out in the living room, i don't like cooking tea at the same time, etc. so i'm even more of a recluse when it's just me alone.
it's cooking alone, it's eating alone, it's watching films alone, it's knowing that no one can surprise you with a knock on the door. the phone hardly rings, and msn's dead too. on weekends, this is absolute killer. thankfully, i'm going home next weekend for reading week/Thanksgiving. but once i'm back, i'm going to work my ass off to find a job. nevermind the money, this quiet and loneliness will be the death of me.

on an unrelated note...

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 05:36:01 GMT

i went to see "The Sound of Music" at the Royal Alexandra tonight. i was supposed to go with my mum and Patrick & Sharon, but seeing as Mom and Dad up and went to Cuba last weekend (i know, right? they booked the flights three days in advance, and they never do Carribean) Val came with instead. i literally had twenty minutes to get ready after coming back from Keele in the pouring rain, and i just made it to the bus stop in time. thankfully, three-quarters of an hour later, i made it to the theater. the show was extremely well done - i highly highly recommend it. i'm not a huge SoM person, not at all, but i really enjoyed this. the acting talent was very impressive (even the cutest little 5 year old!) and their voices were incredible too. the set up of the stage was one of the most amazing things, i can't get my mind around how it all worked: the set, the props, the motifs, all of it - gorgeous and dynamic. the costumes were really pretty too. did i mention we were in the third row? perfect seats. it was nice to see Sharon again too, she is the sweetest woman - but she did have nonstop questions about Chris. (aside from that, most of the evening i was well distracted.) all in all, despite the rain, rush, and lack of dinner, it was a good night out.
Sharon was asking all the typical questions, and lots of others. she wanted to know everything. Sharon & Patrick, alas, are of the belief that after romance and love and meeting the family, immediately comes marriage. notably, marriage before sex, haha. they're the kindest, least judgmental people i know, but i did have to watch my words. "So what do you think? Is he The One?" "Err, yes. Definitely. He is." so she goes, "And...?" "And he's The One." Yes. So is there a wedding coming?" jesus! what do you say? so i told her that we're both still young, and he's just done one year of uni, etc. etc. i don't think it's the answer she was hoping for, but what could i say? in all honesty, we can very much see ourselves marrying one day - but it is certainly not an option any time soon.
coming back from downtown, i was alright, but as i walked from Bayview station in the rain, i started to cry. i'm not sure how it started. it could've been the "CB" carved into the sidewalk that Chris first noticed and has since then been 'his'. it could be that i've missed walking in the rain with him, that being in England makes the rain bearable. it could be that the guy ahead of me kind of looked like one of Chris's darling friends, Paul. it could be that i'd just come back from a play which focused on recognizing your dreams, falling in love, and having pride in one's (well, okay, i thought of another) country. i don't know. but yet once more, i came home to an empty apartment, and i couldn't help bawling my eyes out.
i miss him so much. i like getting emails from him (he really does write beautiful things) but i'd rather have him here in person. it's hard having to talk about him, about his visit. i spoke to him on Skype this morning for half an hour, and even though i smiled when i saw him, i couldn't believe that we're here again, back to this. if it were any other man but him, i don't think i could do this. who would possibly do this if they weren't sure this was the love of their life? it's masochism. and yet, somehow, really - i couldn't not do it. i'd rather have him on the other side of the Atlantic than not have him at all. and it means the world to me that he's 100% in agreement. i don't know when i'll stop crying. i don't think i will, to be honest. until maybe the week before he came, i was still sad. i was and am prone to falling apart at any given moment. sure, after a time, it isn't done publicly, i've practiced self-restraint, but it still happens. usually at night, when there's nothing else to think of. i maintain that July 5th was the worst day of my life. i still feel as though i've left my heart in England that day, and i guess it was just on loan while Chris was here. i don't know. i can't believe that was almost three months ago. i don't think successive separations will get easier.
it doesn't help that Chris is moving up to York tomorrow. it's been one kind of jealousy in the summer, hearing about my friends' travels and adventures - but it's quite another kind of jealousy hearing that they're all returning to uni. i haven't much talked to Chris about this. it's hard. i don't want to seem bitter, and i don't want him to think he can't tell me stuff. but kids, it's so so difficult seeing their excitement build up, seeing their Facebook statuses, and knowing exactly when the first Trusday of the year is (for instance). more than anything else, i want to go back too. i know last year can never be repeated, and there's a certain kind of beauty in that - but that doesn't mean another year there wouldn't be great either. i don't know. this year will be tough for all kinds of reasons. i'm sure i'll learn to keep the envy at bay. (as it slowly eats away at me?) we'll see. for now, i just want to be there again, i want to be with them in that wonderful city doing amazing British things.