Your Artemis

the atmosphere

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:15:29 GMT

sessions. swift halves. pints. bitters. catch ups. a half for the road. cider. pub quizzes. socials. "shopping". pub crawls. pie and a pint.
god knows there are things i hate about it, but i do miss pub life.

when...

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 01:28:48 GMT

or rather, how did my life slip away from me?
i feel like everything's beyond my control, yet all my fault. suddenly i have no say anymore, that i've irrevocably screwed things up. i feel like all i'm doing is waiting for one thing or another. getting through each of these past few days has been an immense struggle. it's as if the only thing going right with my life right now is Chris. we're as in love as ever and i feel extraordinarily lucky to have him, but then - even look at that! it's not perfect either, an expansive 3000km gap between us.
i don't know. schoolwork, my health, Rahier, keeping in contact with the Brits... i'm falling to pieces. i guess November's always a crap month, but this one's off to a particularly bad start. i just need some time off from worry and anxiety. i need Tuesday afternoon to get here. i need to get over this weekend, and survive the next two days of class. on the one hand, you know, i couldn't be happier that i'm growing up, that this is my final year, that i'm almost free and able to fly to England. but on the other hand... growing up is a pain in the ass. it never gets easy. i can't help feeling powerless and confused and without any real direction.
what i could really use is a big, squeeze-the-life-out-of-you hug. i could use Dutchie to talk to, and Chris to lay down with. everything seems to be exacerbated by the fact that i feel stranded.

quick note

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:47:59 GMT

i am alive, no worries.
drowning under work, of course, but still alive. as it were, i do have lots of things to write and tell, but it's difficult to find the time. i want to tell you all about the courses i'm taking, and my professors. i'd like to update you on how things are going with Chris. i'd like to tell you about the lovely(!) letters i receive from Europe (Royal Mail strike notwithstanding) and how much i dearly miss my Brits. then there's my life here, my Glendon Mondays where i crash at Danilo's and we have our weekly evening together (including watching HIMYM, oh yes), or my frustrations with Loblaws shopping or the extortionate TTC. and the weather! good god, when did it become November? it's already snowing at Dave's home in Fergus, and i don't think we'll be denied the pleasure much longer. it's hovering around 0 degrees already. i'm wearing clothing i haven't touched in over a year, haha, having deemed most of my British garments unacceptable! and of course, there's my new job at the patisserie/boulangerie Rahier. i've got two more shifts this weekend before i'm put on the official roster.
aaaaah, so much. today after American Novel class i met up with my dear Lauren the Canadian. we basically talked nonstop for 5hrs; i eventually had to come back home. it was brilliant. we're compatible and agreed on so many things - and she is the nearest as as anyone (considering she is neither Dutchie nor has a boyfriend) to understanding and sympathising with me. she's planning on moving back there soon too, with a 2yr youth visa - yay. god i hope she gets it. the sentence most uttered was probably, "YES! Oh my god, that's exactly it!" or something along those lines. it was an absolutely fantastic evening.
anyway, time for bed soon. Christoph's written another lovely email, and i'm very tired. was up till 4 (i know, i know) writing an essay, ack. tomorrow we're watching Clueless in Filming Lit - good times! and then working with French partner Julia on our presentation - bad times... going to be another eventful week.

PS - i adore this new icon ( ogeeicons) - Hathaway is my guilty pleasure sweetheart. cannot wait for new Lewis to air, although i'm contented with Spooks for the moment!

PPS - also, Dee: please tell me Mac's Comm kids were this awesome during frosh week this year? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zcOFN_VBVo

damn

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 15:22:29 GMT

what a night.
it was, in short, epic.
i haven't written in here in ages, and i suppose lots has happened. i'm going in for training tomorrow at a cute cafe/shoppe called Rahier, down on Bayview. the manager seems really nice, and on top of which - every time he emails me he slips some German in, haha. only more impressive because he's French. we'll see how it goes, but i've got a good feeling.
last night, of course, was Danilofest. we went to Bar 244 in the end (best identified as "the one with the brick wall"). there were about 25 people out in total, and we had about 12 over for the pre-drink here. one of the little ones, Sarah, and i got along great. i mean, we've got enough in common! she spent a few months working in London, dated Danilo for awhile, and is an atheist. mind, that's probably where the similarities stop, but it looks like we've got loads to talk about for awhile. there was a great turn-out, all things considered, and happily - i felt comfortable with all of them. it was a really, really fun night. first time i've gone out since coming back from England, and it definitely could've been a lot worse. i got to know Danilo's little second years better (they are sweet), and a lot of his Serbs were there (of course!) who i recognized too. especially my darling Marko, what a sweetheart. considering i was quite tipsy before we even left here (glass of wine, glass of port, and about four servings of gin? haha yeah) i ended up having two more drinks at the club and being just fine. danced most of the time, and it was a lot of fun. unfortunately (and amusing, cos Danilo told the little ones how well his upper-year friends can hold their liquor) Adri and Sarah were quite a handful. like, Adri was already sleeping on the subway and needed propping up. needless to say, it kinda sucked cos you always had to keep an eye on them, and Dave - being the guy - spent a fair bit of his night looking after them. bad times. but, other than that, was fantastic. there was one of those professional photographer chappies there, so we're keen to see our nice photos up online sometime soon. the DJ wasn't bad (will always miss Tru! no matter how predictable...) and there were enough of us just laughing and smiling away to really enjoy ourselves. best of all, it seems as Danilo had a wonderful night too. and not just cos he got some drunken action from Starr, haha. he and i were exchanging glances and grins the whole night. was home by about 3, which isn't too bad. and today? no hangover! just general aches, and exhaustion. oh, and an apartment to clean up, eek. there will be quite a few great stories, and maybe even some interesting photos! i'm very pleased with how it all turned out. best of all, not including the alcohol i bought for here (which was what, maybe $15?) i spent $25 out, including cab fare. not that bad at all! hopefully it won't be too long till we get to go out again.
the thought has been building in my mind all week, but last night it really came true: as much as i love England, it will be massively difficult to leave this place.

PS - we found the poutine place. a whole menu with different types of poutine, mmm
PPS - there was a guy there who looked remarkably like Christoph. except taller, if you can believe it. when Danilo and i saw him we just mimed "the hair!" across the room, haha.
PPPS - Adri picked up a Cuban guy from Miami. eek

highlight of my week

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 16:45:13 GMT

i was chatting this morning to Chris on Skype. he's been having a great fresher's week so far. Sunday, the first night, was "wild and very very fun" and gave birth to many funny stories about Jack, Lee, and everyone else. those poor little freshers mustn't know what's hit them. i sent a massive (and i mean, 4,000 words massive) email to Dutchie, catching her up on my life and as much York gossip as i knew. according to Jackiebear - Mark and Faye have split up! madness. and so brilliant.
anyway, chatting to Chris, and my laptop started acting up so i came up onto Mom's computer. he said he'd have time for maybe 15mins more. he told me about going out for a pint with Lee last night, and i was very jealous! sounds like they had a nice time. anyway, as Christoph and i were talking, Jack rang and said he'd be round in a few minutes. sure enough, there was a loud knock on the door and in walks my sweetheart! just the same as ever, bless. full of lively stories and rumours, haha. we talked for a bit, and then Ngaio came in too. she's looking well. just sitting with the two of them (Jack had, very cheekily(!) asked Chris if he could have some of Chris's dinner too, so Chris went down to the kitchen to sort it out) was absolutely wonderful. the banter and casualness. in some ways, we haven't changed since July, and it was nice to see they're as lovely as ever. then Chris came back up, with Arthur trailing behind. Arthur had brought some tea for all them, haha. then there were four of them, with Jack and Ngaio both trying to tell me things, and Chris and Arthur dancing up a rave in the background. i couldn't stop grinning, it was fantastic. almost, almost, like old times. that's what Ngaio said, delightedly, and Jack pointed out, "Yeah, it is. 'Cept Steph's in a box." hahaha. i loved it. then they dispersed and i was left with Jack again. he told me a story about his travels in Eastern Europe, and then Emily came in to chat as well! she was confused about what to wear tonight (there's a Wild West fancy dress night at Yates's) with her freshers. then she and Jack both left, and Ngaio came in. Chris's room was like Grand Central Station, i swear! in and out, in and out - absolutely marvelous. we talked for a bit more, said bye, and she shouted (that little woman has the most powerful lungs) for Chris. up and in he came, and we spoke for a few more minutes before saying goodbye. i told him that that last hour was the highlight of my week, and told him to send them all my love. he assured me he would, and knows they've been missing me as well.
it's moments like that which make me realise yet again that i must go back. one hour, and really - it was the highlight of my week. i know it was a blip in time for them, but i'll be smiling at the memory for days.

sunscreen

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 21:49:53 GMT

i don't have time to write, so take this for now. i was listening to British iTunes radio, and smiled when this song came on:

lyrics here.

how time flies

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 01:54:01 GMT

today i was at Keele helping out at their International Fair. i spent 4hrs talking to exchange hopefuls, doing my best to convince them that doing this would be the best decision of their lives. it was so wonderful, seeing their faces, getting all excited. i loved being an inspiration. i loved that i could tell them about the best year of my life, and not have to lie one bit. it's just true. i hope they have the the time of their lives too. i envied their position, somehow, with one of the best experiences yet to come. i loved talking about York and England and how incredible it was, and sharing the love.
so what was the hardest part? the strangest part?
exactly one year ago, i was on the plane to England. i was embarking on the greatest adventure of my life. high on the sheer possibilities ahead. so full of hope and excitement and anticipation, and surprisingly little fear. i was on my way to York. sure, i couldn't know it then, but it would become the city of my heart. i'd left behind quite a lot, granted, but most of it would pale in comparison to the life i was only just beginning. my Britain. the people, the places, the culture, the memories. one year ago, i still had it all ahead of me. i remember that entire day so clearly, the first 30hrs especially (it was ages till i first went to bed). i couldn't sleep, too much adrenaline. so many photographs and take-in-the-moment pauses and tears of joy and chills down my spine. the moment my feet stepped out of the plane, onto the metal walkway, and that first brisk breath of 4-in-the-morning air hit my face... i'll never forget it. it was the day my life changed, and i could feel it.
i cannot believe how time has flown. i remember visiting the International Fair myself, two years ago. i remember it clearly too. and i remember the last October 8th. fourth year, back in Canada, graduating in less than a year. "How did it get so late so soon?" these next few days are going to be rough, they're jampacked with moments of me remembering back to this time last year. Fresher's Week 2008. oh, what a defining moment. twelve months, three hundred and sixty five (or six? it was a Wednesday, afterall) days. a year ago, i had no idea who Chris was, (or Dutchie or Lee or Hannah or anyone else), i didn't know what Tipex was or courgettes or the alternative Iceland. i'd never seen Beachy Head or Notting Hill or Edinburgh Castle. so much was still to come.
the day i fell in love with York, and all the brilliance which followed. i'll cherish the memory forever.

7 days later

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 15:48:36 GMT

almost seven days. it's been one of the slowest weeks of my life. feels like a month should have gone by.
i've been trying to keep occupied as much as i can, but it's touch and go. i'm still prone to having crying fits. there's lots for me to do for class, but most of it's reading, and so if the material's boring, it's easy for my mind to wander.
Chris seems to be settling back into York quite well. aside from Lee and Jack, everyone's back in the city. Rupert (Emily's nickname for their house) and Windmill Lane (home of Vicki, Ellie, Harriet, and Anthony) are both full. i saw Arthur briefly on Chris's Skype the other day, and it felt really strange. i mean, i know Chris is there, but often when i talk to him he's just in his room alone. seeing Arthur, and hearing the girls chatting away outside... it's new, somehow. i wish i could be there. Chris has been busy with American football training most of the week. he's hardly gotten a chance to do cooking, although he's already made one of the recipes i gave him. (for our one year anniversary - this Sunday - i made him a cookbook filled with recipes i knew/thought he'd enjoy. not just Indian or Thai, but all sorts of stuff. i had to admit to being pleased with the finished work.) he already went out for drinks with the football lads, and went to a party for one of Hannah's housemate's last night. he hasn't been sleeping all that much, which i have a feeling is going to kill him by the time classes start. a week of training (and they have at least 2 sessions a day) followed by a week of (pretty much) mandatory taking the freshers out into town to get drunk (okay, some nights they may stay on campus to drink, haha) will take its toll on him. eeeek. still, i would give anything to be there doing it with him! he's going to a Porcupine Tree concert tomorrow in Leeds, and cos of conflicting schedules i won't get to speak to him again until Saturday evening. after that, the freshers arrive, and it all goes downhill! haha. i've heard that the new Goodricke is amazing, so i'll demand a few photos. still, they just have accomodations built, so the kids will be spending much of their time on the main campus. it's sad to think that the fantastic feel of old Goodricke, the home of Cell and Dungeon Blocks along with much else, will be gone. i hope these new students learn to appreciate their college's wonderful, spirited history.
reading week next week, oddly enough. i don't know what we did before it, i can't imagine continuing on now till Christmas, with just a few long weekends. granted, i've got oral surgery and will be a bit out of it, but i'm hoping to really be productive.
my friends here have been doing their best, i suppose, to help me. Adri's being herself, haha, which can be blissfully distracting at times. Dave, however, has been spending lots of time with Dora, haha. after some begging, i did manage to get Danilo over that one night. so last night, i think Dave was feeling a bit guilty, Dave suggested to the other two that they take me out for some Demetre's for dessert, mmm. it was a much needed break from feeling lonely and/or sad. we had some tasty tasty waffles, and talked about all the best things: Jon & Kate Plus 8, Harry Potter v LotR, reliving fond memories, football, etc etc. afterwards, on a sugar/caffeine high, we all came back to the apartment. the guys bullied Adri and i into playing some good ol' Goldeneye on the N64. we were given high handicaps, and i got to play Sean Bean's Alec Trevelyan, yayyyy. after that, there were a few rounds of Super Smash Bros., but i really don't like that game, and eventually the others tired of it too. were about to do MarioKart when Danilo suggested we watch a few episodes of HIMYM, thank god. around 1ish, Danilo went home.
it was like old times, in a way, and nice. if the rest of the year could be like that, i'm sure it would fly by. i only hope that, even with our busy schedules there're more nights like that ahead.
now, for the moral dilemma: Jordan's kegger or Danilofest?

what doesn't help

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 23:35:04 GMT

what doesn't help is the loneliness. when there's a big reunion going on in Gallery, and your boyfriend's out with many of your mutual friends, being alone in your apartment isn't exactly the most cheerful of times.
not just missing Chris, and the Brits, but people in general. while Chris was here, it was almost a blessing to have the apartment to ourselves, but now i dread it. it's bad enough that i don't live in res, on a corridor anymore. having 16 other people around was lovely 90% of the time. (and that's a lot of the time.) i loved having my best friend just around the corner, and my boyfriend, and the girls who were so friendly and the men who made me laugh out loud. even at Glendon, living with Dave and Danilo was blissful, and there was hardly a dull moment. but here, it's like... it's an effort to arrange for someone to visit, because then someone has to pay money for transit or even if you just want to watch a movie, that one and a half hours becomes three with the distance. sure, i've got friends elsewhere in the city, but organizing that is difficult too, and they're not exactly people i can just drop by casually with. i don't know. i have class often enough during the week to keep me busy, and i do manage to get all my work done in fairly good time - but then what? it's a different kind of living alone. or living together, i guess. i was independent enough in res, yes, but i still love having people around. so far, apartment life pales in comparison to life in halls.
(don't get me wrong, i love Dave. but now that he and Dora are officially together, he's around less and less.)
actually, this is kind of untrue. i'm here on my own quite a bit, notably so, but maybe just as often it's me and Adri in the apartment. it's brutal. today, she lectured me about curry, of all things. just to give an example. living with her is the biggest exercise of self-restraint. but that's the thing... lest i snap and kill her, when it's just me and her, i kind of hide in my room. i don't like sitting out in the living room, i don't like cooking tea at the same time, etc. so i'm even more of a recluse when it's just me alone.
it's cooking alone, it's eating alone, it's watching films alone, it's knowing that no one can surprise you with a knock on the door. the phone hardly rings, and msn's dead too. on weekends, this is absolute killer. thankfully, i'm going home next weekend for reading week/Thanksgiving. but once i'm back, i'm going to work my ass off to find a job. nevermind the money, this quiet and loneliness will be the death of me.

on an unrelated note...

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 05:36:01 GMT

i went to see "The Sound of Music" at the Royal Alexandra tonight. i was supposed to go with my mum and Patrick & Sharon, but seeing as Mom and Dad up and went to Cuba last weekend (i know, right? they booked the flights three days in advance, and they never do Carribean) Val came with instead. i literally had twenty minutes to get ready after coming back from Keele in the pouring rain, and i just made it to the bus stop in time. thankfully, three-quarters of an hour later, i made it to the theater. the show was extremely well done - i highly highly recommend it. i'm not a huge SoM person, not at all, but i really enjoyed this. the acting talent was very impressive (even the cutest little 5 year old!) and their voices were incredible too. the set up of the stage was one of the most amazing things, i can't get my mind around how it all worked: the set, the props, the motifs, all of it - gorgeous and dynamic. the costumes were really pretty too. did i mention we were in the third row? perfect seats. it was nice to see Sharon again too, she is the sweetest woman - but she did have nonstop questions about Chris. (aside from that, most of the evening i was well distracted.) all in all, despite the rain, rush, and lack of dinner, it was a good night out.
Sharon was asking all the typical questions, and lots of others. she wanted to know everything. Sharon & Patrick, alas, are of the belief that after romance and love and meeting the family, immediately comes marriage. notably, marriage before sex, haha. they're the kindest, least judgmental people i know, but i did have to watch my words. "So what do you think? Is he The One?" "Err, yes. Definitely. He is." so she goes, "And...?" "And he's The One." Yes. So is there a wedding coming?" jesus! what do you say? so i told her that we're both still young, and he's just done one year of uni, etc. etc. i don't think it's the answer she was hoping for, but what could i say? in all honesty, we can very much see ourselves marrying one day - but it is certainly not an option any time soon.
coming back from downtown, i was alright, but as i walked from Bayview station in the rain, i started to cry. i'm not sure how it started. it could've been the "CB" carved into the sidewalk that Chris first noticed and has since then been 'his'. it could be that i've missed walking in the rain with him, that being in England makes the rain bearable. it could be that the guy ahead of me kind of looked like one of Chris's darling friends, Paul. it could be that i'd just come back from a play which focused on recognizing your dreams, falling in love, and having pride in one's (well, okay, i thought of another) country. i don't know. but yet once more, i came home to an empty apartment, and i couldn't help bawling my eyes out.
i miss him so much. i like getting emails from him (he really does write beautiful things) but i'd rather have him here in person. it's hard having to talk about him, about his visit. i spoke to him on Skype this morning for half an hour, and even though i smiled when i saw him, i couldn't believe that we're here again, back to this. if it were any other man but him, i don't think i could do this. who would possibly do this if they weren't sure this was the love of their life? it's masochism. and yet, somehow, really - i couldn't not do it. i'd rather have him on the other side of the Atlantic than not have him at all. and it means the world to me that he's 100% in agreement. i don't know when i'll stop crying. i don't think i will, to be honest. until maybe the week before he came, i was still sad. i was and am prone to falling apart at any given moment. sure, after a time, it isn't done publicly, i've practiced self-restraint, but it still happens. usually at night, when there's nothing else to think of. i maintain that July 5th was the worst day of my life. i still feel as though i've left my heart in England that day, and i guess it was just on loan while Chris was here. i don't know. i can't believe that was almost three months ago. i don't think successive separations will get easier.
it doesn't help that Chris is moving up to York tomorrow. it's been one kind of jealousy in the summer, hearing about my friends' travels and adventures - but it's quite another kind of jealousy hearing that they're all returning to uni. i haven't much talked to Chris about this. it's hard. i don't want to seem bitter, and i don't want him to think he can't tell me stuff. but kids, it's so so difficult seeing their excitement build up, seeing their Facebook statuses, and knowing exactly when the first Trusday of the year is (for instance). more than anything else, i want to go back too. i know last year can never be repeated, and there's a certain kind of beauty in that - but that doesn't mean another year there wouldn't be great either. i don't know. this year will be tough for all kinds of reasons. i'm sure i'll learn to keep the envy at bay. (as it slowly eats away at me?) we'll see. for now, i just want to be there again, i want to be with them in that wonderful city doing amazing British things.

the tears

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 05:34:37 GMT

they won't stop. i can't make them stop. it's 1:30 and tomorrow needs to be productive for me. but i can't stop bawling my eyes out.
i need to be somewhere he hasn't. i can't be where he was. everything i look at makes me cry. i can't breathe properly and the tears won't end. i need to feel him next to me in this bed. i don't know how to sleep alone here now. the wine glasses, the space on the floor where his suitcase lay, the kitchen where he cooked, the chair he sat in, the towel he used, the tissues he handed me, the wrapping paper from our anniversary presents, the bathroom where we showered, the tights he liked me to wear. i'm not even in a Chris-free, England-free environment anymore. Burlington won't be safe either. i did it all, got distracted by friends, listened to music, watched inane television, and still - i can't stop. i can't calm myself down enough to sleep. and i need to sleep. and i need him here. he's halfway across the Atlantic now and all i want is his arm around me again, my head on his shoulder, his heartbeat against mine, my nose tickling his, our tears on his shirt. i need him to be here, or i need to be there, nowhere is safe, nowhere is home until then.

and here we go again

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 03:52:53 GMT

i feel...
lost? alone. sad. afraid. hopeful. confused. thankful (that we had two weeks). like i'm back to ground zero. like i've left England all over again. like there is nothing i want more in the world right now than to follow him back over the ocean.
i'll write more tomorrow, i suppose.our time together was too precious to waste sitting around on the computer, so i wasn't able to document much of our adventures. but there were many, and they were excellent. i want to write everything down. and i'll change my userpic to something more appropriate.
but for now, i just miss him lying next to me. it's taking everything i have not to crawl out of bed and unwrap his t-shirt. i'm trying to bestrong, but mostly i feel like the most helpless, useless thing in the world. i wish four and a half months felt like four and a half days. i wish i could make him be here now.

Sheldon-love

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 16:56:26 GMT

i like The Big Bang Theory, what can i say? it amuses me, and is a guilty pleasure. i also find it funny that Darlene and David from Roseanne played love interests for a bit again. it's nerdy but brilliant, oh yes.
also, i'm in a bit of a joyous state (just a bit, haha) because Chris arrives in less than a week. suddenly, it's as if two and a half months didn't drag but flew.
and and and - Up in the Air. yay Clooney.

the Yorker

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 13:51:43 GMT

York Uni in the UK has three student newspapers, one of them online:
York: a brief A-Z - fantastic
Golden ducks arrive in York - how much more York-like can you get?
Collected thoughts of a former fresher - a sentimental, true story
just another reason why i love that university.

single digits, kids, single digits

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 22:26:33 GMT

so... yeah! the apartment's great. my room's starting to feel like my own, and while there's a bit of a camping/visiting someone else's vibe around the place, eventually it will start to feel permanent.
not going to go into much detail, but move in day was great. everything went really smoothly, and there were plenty of people about. besides me and my parents, there was Adri, and Dave and his parents. Danilo even stopped by for a few hours to help out! we had a lovely first day: unpacking, squealing with excitement, showing each other things, decorating, setting up the kitchen, building furniture, sorting out curtains, eating lasagna and tandoori sausuages, watching How I Met Your Mother just before bed, and on and on. after one of his LSAT simulation tests, Danilo came back, this time with our housewarming gift! as soon as i held it, i knew what it was, even though it's fairly rectangular in size! I started grinning away, and once Adri had unwrapped it i jumped up to give Danilo a big hug. ever-so-awesomely, he'd bought us a Magna-Doodle!! or, rather, the contemporary equivalent of one. apparently Magna-Doodles no longer exist, but they have these odd Imaginarium boards which are the exact same thing, but more yellow. he said, "I looked in all these stores for a yellow picture frame, but couldn't find any so I bought you this instead." i was the only one who caught the Friends references, but it's a great gift regardless.
thing is, our walls are fairly dodgy and we're not sure about hanging anything almost heavy up. the hall mirror was a stretch, haha. but yeah, otherwise the new place is quite alright. our living room is orange/red/white, which is nice. on Saturday, the three of us went to Ikea to get some odds and ends. the closest subway station is about a 15-20min walk, and is near a Loblaw's. Ikea took about 45mins. haven't gone in the other direction yet, so i'm not sure how long it'll take me to get to Glendon by foot. apparently it's deceptively long.
living with Dave and Adri is so far great. i mean, Adri is Adri and already there have been lots of cringe-worthy moments, but for now, when she gets to be too much (she has a habit of singing aloud, off-key and loudly, and always to foreign lyrics) i simply retreat to my room and close the door. yeah, ha, it's alright. there' s alot of "that's just who she is, she can't help it, just accept it" going on from Dave and i, but more than likely we'll be alright. as with so many things - if i can make it through this year, i can make it through anything!
Adri's mom is over at the moment, arrived this morning. Nic was over this morning too. not sure what's going on with him and Adri, but only time will tell. Dave's gone back home for the long weekend, but i'm staying here. after sitting talking with Adri and her mom (nice enough) for awhile this afternoon, i walked back up to Bayview Village Mall. for the record, it is the most posh mall around for miles. cheapest clothing stores in there is Guess, from what i can see. but they do have a Shoppers and a Chapters, which is where i went to pick up some books. there was some nice live music playing, so i hung around for awhile, perusing the shelves and gazing into photograph collections of Britain.
and now? dunno really. dinner soon, i presume. till then, probably just some more reading. we've been lucky with the weather so far, and i leave my window open all of the time. would like to sit out on the front balcony to read. no idea what's in store for tonight, as Adri's mom's staying till Tuesday evening and i'm not sure what they're up to.
tomorrow everything's closed, so i think it'll be a fairly lazy day, lots of reading. on Tuesday i'm going to Glendon to visit Djordjevic and buy some textbooks. i think that's when Danilo's moving into res too. possibly. and then in the evening we're all invited to Dora and Jo's. should be a good day!
also also also: nine days till my Christoph arrives!!

crazy September times

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 04:35:15 GMT

i'm moving to Toronto tomorrow. properly. and it freaks me ouuuuuuuuut. this is all. life's a bit chaotic at the moment, for more reasons than usual, obviously.

words on a page

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 06:33:29 GMT

i'm aware that the written medium, electronically no less, can only convey so much. at least, in my not-so-capable hands. greater writers have greater gifts.
i can't fall asleep. i was out of work at 11 (no more Williams!) and in bed by twenty past. after watching a Doctor Who on CBC, i've been trying to get to sleep. that was, what, two and a half hours ago? i can't fall asleep. my mind, in the past fortnight, has been whirring. not only with concerns of the apartment, but more challenging questions about my future. you know, the weighty issues: work, address, an end of school, etc. that isn't what this post is about though.
i write in here a lot that i miss Chris. but it's all just words to you, isn't it? most people don't understand, i suppose, and who can fault them? it's not exactly a common experience. yes, couples have been apart, but to be in a true long-distance relationship, knowing that the next time you see each other is only for a limited amount of time? that the majority of the next year(s) of your life will be spent apart? not so common.
so imagine for me, if you will, what it's like: you can't fall asleep because you don't hear the soothing soft breathing next to you, the shifting of another body in bed to which you've become accustomed. you miss making breakfast in bed. you're making mental lists of stories/details you want to share the next time you send an email or converse, because they aren't around to tell directly. you still consider how he'd react to what you're wearing today, even though it's totally irrelevant. you're wondering non-stop, non stop, what your partner is doing, what they're thinking. even if it's a background, unconscious gesture - your mind is always wondering. you worry too, though hopefully not as often as you wonder. but you do worry. you worry that they're unhappy, or - cruelly but honestly - you suspect why they might be too happy. you count down the days until your next reunion. every morning, it's the first thing to cross your mind. you dream of them. i dream a lot, and i dream about the most diverse group of people from my past - but more than anyone else, i really do dream of Chris. you no longer cook for two. you're at work and before your brain has even noticed, your subconscious has already realised that "your" song is playing. suddenly, the world stops and you get wrapped up in it, wondering if they're listening to it too.. when people mention your partner, you beg them to ask more questions. what else matters in your world, other than him? his details are for your eyes only, but you find it so, so frustrating not to be able to discuss him and his life with others, to be amidst a group of people who don't know him, who don't know enough. when you're getting ready in the morning, you wish he could see how great you look. instead you have to rely on pixelated images, or worse - no images at all. every time you glance at a clock, you do the math, figuring out what time it is for him. you miss being able to blurt out "i love you" at the unexpected intervals, whenever the thought strikes you. you find yourself wishing you would win the lottery, not to buy houses or cars or donate to charities even, but so you can buy all the plane tickets you like. you wish Hermione's Time-Turner or the Doctor's Tardis existed, so that you could go back and forwards in time. more often than you'd like to admit, you find yourself perusing old Facebook albums, desperate for glimpses of him, and tempting your memory to bring up old, forgotten moments. a once average and unassuming shirt is now one of your most prized possessions. even when you are supremely happy, you know it would be 100x better if he were there. you can't help but remember even his worst habits fondly, and would give anything to witness an unending conversation about X-box Madden with his best mate. waking up in the mornings, and realising that he isn't there, that you're not going to see him today makes you want to slide back under the covers. more important than your impending moving-out, or beginning of university, or graduation, or job hunt - is your future together. suddenly, every piece in your wardrobe reminds you of him, of your time together (of England). you're delighted that he is still yours, but fleetingly, and not very seriously at all, you wonder why you're putting yourself through this. and then you remember that you love him. he has your heart, and without him you are incomplete. you can only be your best with him, and wish others could see you as you are together. you send links to music videos, commercials, news articles, PostSecret updates, photos and he does the same. you miss not only him, but his friends, family, pets, and neighbours. you love them too, because they are a part of him, and any story they're in is twice as interesting because of this. you try and remember how you managed to be okay on your own, before you even knew he existed. you're more likely to cry. not just due to sad or sappy moments, but anything remotely romantic. and then sometimes, you break down. you really cry your eyes out, hollow sobs are emitted from your throat, your eyes are puffy and lips are chapped because you're nearly hyperventilating. you can't see for all the tears, and feel your neck and hair get damp. you can't breathe through your nose. you squeeze a pillow tight till bursting. the only thing you desire is his touch, his voice, him right here right now. you imagine every blissful memory as an antidote to the pain. then either sleep consumes you, or you are interrupted and shake yourself back to sanity, trying to look, for all intents and purposes, like you aren't an emotional mess whose only crime was falling in love with someone with a different postal code.
and yet, somehow, words still aren't enough.

devil's thunder

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 05:42:27 GMT

most songs i hear, i can associate with certain time and place in my life, that's just how it is.
i heard "Devil's Thunder" by Rachael Cantu for the first time in the spring, on an episode of Private Practice. for days, weeks, i'd have it on repeat on my iTunes. i'd play it over and over, progressively louder, singing along, usually in the mornings as i got ready for the day.
i just downloaded it today, and listened to it for the first time in months. suddenly, it's as if i was transported back in time. if i closed my eyes, i was back in my Cell Block room. it's a hauntingly beautiful song, and now on top of everything else, it brings tears to my eyes.
it threw me off a little tonight cos i didn't see this coming. it isn't one of our English clubbing songs, or a song i heard many times as Chris tried to learn the chords, or one of Jack's original pieces, or some silly 80s one Vicki and Dutchie would dance to wildly... and yet, somehow i will always associate this song with my time in York.

a wrench in the works

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 23:12:38 GMT

after some mighty digging around, i discoverd that no, having German national status does not mean i pay tuition fees as an EU student. though i will be a member of the EU and EEA, the clincher is that i must have lived in the area for at least three years prior to my starting date at uni.
FACK.
i don't know what to do. i have already decided (did i say?) that i will no longer be applying for teacher training, for the PGCE certificate. there are many reasons for this. have sorted it all out with my parents, Chris, and my own thoughts. so now... do i still apply for my MA, knowing it will cost me upwards of $20,000? (plus housing and living costs?) i'm not sure. my initial reaction is a resounding No. but it's England... and i want to go there... and York is brilliant...
this is going to turn into a big discussion with my parents. if i get my German citizenship, i can still live and work in the UK. i'm kinda sorta thinking that this may be the best route. move to the UK, live in York in student housing for a year, and work. while working, volunteer in secondary schools, or work for the school board. get experience teaching, in other words, because before i find a back-up career option for the next few years, i might as well rack up teaching experience/and or later apply for teacher training in 2010/11. mind... even then i wouldn't qualify for EU fees. fack. i don't know. live in the UK, that's goal number one. live and work.

wardrobe

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 18:17:39 GMT

i really want to go shopping. like, that's all i'm dying to do. shopping in York, though expensive, was easy to achieve. just grab a bus, 15mins later, you're there, in the midst of one of the greatest shopping districts in the area. gorgeous, gorgeous stores and clothing to-die-for (pricetags too, haha).
and here? well, we have malls. either way, i need some stuff. with uni beginning again soon, it's that "back to school" feeling, isn't it? nevermind the paper and books and stuff, i need other things as well. since April, i have not owned a single pair of jeans. not one. that's gotta be a first for my life. and whlie that's okay in summers, with autumn just around the corner... it ain't gonna do. i need at least two pairs. currently, i only own one pair of trousers.
i've also found an old Chapters gift card, and Nikki gave me one for Shoppers for my birthday. that'll take care of a lot, thank goodness. need to find my Optimum card. i know i have no money, but it's been so long since i've been shopping! it's hard for me, in a way. shopping's cathartic, if done right. i miss just looking through the shops, getting excited about clothes again. ideally, i'd love to take Hannah with me, or Dutchie, but it looks like i'll have to find the time on my own.
life, since you might be wondering, is alright. i can't remember what i last wrote about in here. hit and miss, you know, as life generally is. am meeting up with Kit sometime this week to go for a coffee. was supposed to do it today, but spoke to Dave last night and he's free to take me to check out our apartment tonight!! massively excited. need to take lots of measurements, and am going to try and bring as much stuff up as possible, just to save us later. tentative move-in date is September 4th.

what is wrong with my generation?!

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 06:54:00 GMT

forget my birthday, and Chris, and work, and everything else for a second. i must freak out.
from that little sidebar on Facebook, where i hardly ever look, i found out something very disturbing. at least, for me.
from gr7 to gr8, one of my good friends was a girl named Kate. she was in my classes, and best friends with our group's twins. she had a fairly good head on her shoulders, even if you could tell she'd spend a bit too much time just getting by on her looks. anyway, fairly good. went to a proper high school and all. thing is, with most of my French immersion middle school friends, they were pretty religious. like, they "baptized" one wannabe nutter (seriously, don't know where the headcase is now) in the girls' bathroom. that's just what they did. they were religious, i wasn't, and we got on okay. (this also explains why i spent most of the time with the awesome guys - Kit, Gianni, and Darien.)
anyway, given that background, maybe i shouldn't be so surprised, but i am. my mouth is still gaping. it came as a big shock to me to find out that one of the girls from that class (admittedly, not one of the religious ones) has a 1yr old son. but then... this was after she dropped immersion, haha. i'm not an immersion snob, by any means, and will probably never ever put my kids in - but you gotta be honest, they usually are the more dedicated parents/kids. okay, point being: that girl always seemed like she'd be daft enough to get knocked up at 19. this girl though, Kate, is not.
and she's not. knocked up, that is. religious, remember? oh no. Kate, Kate is married. i have seen the photos. the 20yr old girl is married. there is no excuse for that nonsense, i'm sorry. there's no pregnancy, there's no man in the military, there's no terminal disease. they're just 20 and married. what's the rush? i know i'm an atheist, but i think we'd have better families and better kids in our world if people took the time to really get to know their partners - inside and out - before marriage. live with them, sleep with them, fight with them. it really freaks me out because i thought she was clever. at least, cleverer than this. but no, it seems like a classic case of "we're young and hormonal and think we're going to be in love the rest of our lives, so let's get married in God's eyes (under a banner that says "Jesus Christ is our Lord" of all things) so we can finally touch each other and have sex and act like grown-ups." it disturbs me, this mentality. it seriously does. it's not like because you're married you're more serious or adult than any other couple your age. in fact, you're less mature. as if having sex means wearing a ring, as if we don't know - even if you yourself haven't figure it out yet - that you're ready to lose your virginity. don't even get me started on the kid thing. at this age, you haven't even discovered yourself, let alone the world. don't you dare bring a kid in. give yourselves some independence, some freedom, some life experience!
don't get me wrong, she was a ridiculously beautiful bride, and she's been with this gorgeous guy for awhile, and they'll have stunning babies, but... i can't believe it. i knew her, you know? she wasn't some nameless faceless ditz, she was a friend. i wish her all the best, now that she's done it, but i can't pretend i think it was a good choice. i don't think there's any excuse for getting married so early these days. you have your whole lives ahead of you, what are you afraid of? it just seems like you're extra horny and/or have something to prove. even the way they were holding each other was still awkward. and you know what else is for sure? my daddy would not be funding that, nor would it be at a posh country club. ack. it's more sad than angering, really. i feel sorry for them. i just don't know... i know i'm 21 and slowly becoming a proper adult, you know, but i'm not comfortable with this big rush of marriage and babies. it's not healthy, i don't care what anyone else says.
(also: if your names rhyme? don't do it, kids. just... don't.)
(also: if your cousin (who's our age) and his mates are there, shirts untucked, wearing gangsta baseball hats? don't do it.)
(also: if your bachelorette party consists of 80s fashion, M-A-S-H, and bowling, and is so kiddie-like it's perverse? don't do it.)

an adult?

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 04:02:04 GMT

Stephanie Rudolph... is 21 years old.

holy shite. that happened quickly.

i don't know why i'm upset

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 04:20:01 GMT

but i am. it's just... something about today. i'm feeling overemotional.
i think it was talking to Dutchie this morning. i've missed that girl so much. i hadn't even really realised it until we were talking, and i just wanted to give her a big hug. she's probably, aside from Chris, my best friend in the world. after a mere nine months, and no offense guys if you're reading this - but she's become my sister, in a way. i've never had such a connection with another woman. we're so similar, and yet different. she always knows exactly what to say, and understands me without me even explaining. i don't know how to describe it, but i know i've never had a friend like her. these past 5 weeks without her have been really really tough. i know i talk alot in here about Chris, but it's all of my exchange friends that i've been missing, especially her. not a day goes by when i don't think of them, and what each of them are doing. we talked for five hours. five hours. on Skype. that's quite a mission. if it weren't 9pm her time and i didn't have to go to work, we could've continued. she and Lauren are the nearest i get to people who can truly empathise. neither left boyfriends, but Lauren knows what it's like to come back to Canada, so far away, and Dutchie knows what it's like to miss our particular corridor. we talked about all sorts of things, and laughed, and cried. it was fantastic, and exactly what i needed. it's been awhile since Chris and i have both been free to talk, so i was really looking forward to some quality Ellen time. she's busy with her undergrad dissertation till September, at which point she starts her MA, so our talks will probably remain infrequent, but we'll email quite a bit. i'm not going to lose her, my Dutchie!
anyway, i walked to work in the rain, and i checked out next week's schedule. turns out i'm working 3:30 till close on my birthday. i don't normally work Mondays, so i didn't think to book it off, also - i didn't plan anything with friends. but still. i won't see my parents at all that day, which means doing the whole cake/presents another day. and talking to Chris will be difficult too. by the time he gets home from work, it'll be time for me to leave. he gave me my gift before i left and made me swear not to open it till August 10th. i'm dying to know what it is, and really want to open it in front of him, even if only over Skype. i don't know... like i said, i hadn't planned anything for my 21st, am not exactly excited about it, but... at least having a bit of a relaxing day would've been nice. as it is, i need the money!
work was alright, aside from getting sent home early. i found another person there i really enjoy working with, so that was a nice surprise. we had this crazy/creepy lady in too... mass drama. oh, and i bumped into Aaron! my dream-team partner from last year? that was fortunate. he's at Bronte again this summer. i wish i were still there with him and Jess. turns out they're doing a Deer Walk program on Tuesday nights, so i go along on the 18th, and do coffee later. hope so!
no idea what we're up to tomorrow. Valerie's home for good (till September, anyway) next Thursday, so we're doing her birthday thing then. she had an exam today, can you believe it? poor kid. and she's got another big one Monday, so she couldn't even do the "OMG i'm 19 let's get wasted!!1!" thing tonight, ha. i work tomorrow at 3:30, till close. mainly, Chris and i have got a proper massive Skype talk planned for 11am/4pm.
i cannot wait. this past week, for some reason, has been well hard without him, i'm not sure why. i'm just feeling the distance more. all these times i wish i could say "i love you" in person, you know? tell him the little things that happen, get a hug when i'm down, listen to his rants and ravings about food, run my hands through his hair... my birthday marks the halfway point between when i left and when he visits. it feels as though we've been apart for months. it sounds kind of cheesy, i guess, but before i left i made him wear one of his t-shirts for a week. well, not when it was really humid/sweaty and he went topless, or when he was at American football, or we dressed up posh, you get the idea. i wanted to take something with me that was really his, you know? as close to being him as possible. and t-shirts are great like that. it would smell like him, i could wrap it around me, etc. (i swear, i'm not the only crazy woman who does this.) i felt kinda bad about stealing one of his tops, so i bought him one to replace it with. anyway, he wore it, i tied up in a carrier bag, and packed it up. it's still in my suitcase, hasn't been opened yet. i've been good about it, i don't want to open it too soon you know? i know the scent can fade quickly, and i want to wait till i'm really missing him. there've been some days, nights really, when i wanted to crack but i've found some other way to comfort myself. i think that's good, actually, forcing myself to get distracted or find other ways to fall asleep. but lately... it's been really hard. i figured if i could make it to my birthday without tearing the bag open and inhaling, haha, i could make it the other half till he visits. i'm so, so tempted, too tempted, to take it out now. i hate not being with him.
i told Dutchie that the day i left was so horrible, it was without a doubt the most heartbreakingly difficult day of my life - i will not and can not do it again. after this year, i am gone. i am getting back there.

you know you're desperate when...

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 00:02:09 GMT

it's a well known fact that teachers are in high demand in the UK. why? mainly because the kids are total pains in the arse. i've heard nightmare after nightmare about people moving to teach in the UK, and quite a few horror stories from the Brits themselves. if this is the avenue i take, i will be terrified.
but. and it's a big but... if my German passport application goes through alright, i will be considered an EU student. this means that i will get lotsa money to help me out. at York Uni alone: "UK and other EU students receive a training bursary of £9000 for Mathematics, Science and Modern Foreign Languages, or £6000 for History and English, payable tax-free in nine monthly instalments. In addition, trainees following Maths and Science courses will, on satisfactorily completing their first (induction) year teaching in a maintained school, receive a further £5000. Modern Foreign Languages trainees who successfully complete their induction year in a maintained school receive £2500."
i know what you're thinking - as English/History, i won't get as much, will i? but did you see those numbers?! basically, if you're a successful Maths teacher (which granted, takes a lot of effort) after one year of teaching, you will be debt-free. tuition costs just over £3000. now double all those numbers, and you'll see them in CDN$ but still... that's a hell of a lot of money. in other words, they know their kids are shit and their curriculum is complicated and flawed - so they will pay an arm and a leg to keep teachers in.
i don't know... an MA will be reduced in tuition thanks to an EU standing too, but it'll still be a heck of a lot more expensive than teacher training, nevermind that mind-boggling thesis. could i do teacher training? could i survive teaching in England? that's what i've got to figure out in the next month.

[off-topic, but look! http://www.wordle.net]

been awhile?

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 01:10:46 GMT

in all fairness, nothing of any great magnitude has happened. i don't find myself feeling the urge to write in here as often as i once did, which is quite strange.
my birthday's in a few days. for the first time for as long as i can remember, i'm not that excited. i was a hundred times more anxious for February 10th of this year than August 10th, haha. i have no plans, aside from unwrapping some gifts from my parents, i suppose. it's a Monday, so i'm presuming i'll wait until they get home to do that. Chris sent me post last week, and inside i found two letters - one for my birthday, and one for our anniversary (the month after). i love him to pieces, but the agony of not reading them right away nearly killed me. also, i've still got his gift. on my last night in the UK he gave it to me, under the condtion that i would not open it until my twenty-first birthday. i'm massively excited about that. so no, there's not much else going on. i don't know. should i be sad that i'm not sad about this? somehow it feels as though anything after that incredible week of mine and Dutchie's half-birthdays, nothing else could be as great anyway.
in other news, in light of my upcoming birthday, Mom and i decided to look more seriously into the idea of me getting my German passport. i have legal access to it, as at the time of my birth, not just one, but both of my parents were German citizens. i thought about this, as i was applying for my study visa for the exchange, but it wouldn't made too much of a difference. however, when (and it is a "when") i leave to study in England again next year, i will be counted as a member of the EU, and will thus be eligible for lower tuition costs and more scholarships, yay! definitely worth it then. i phoned the Consulate in Toronto, and found out what i have to do. then Mom and i spent a good couple of hours digging through all our drawers and folders and fireproof boxes to find the documentation i need. turns out, Germans are a pain in the arse. who'd've guessed it? they want every piece of paper, i swear. parents' birth certificates, parents' passports at the time of my birth, marriage licenses, my "long" birth certificate (which i have to order specially, complete with like, the address of my mom at the time of my birth and my dad's favourite kind of German sausage), etc etc. i think i have to prove that i have some understanding of the German language too. and that's not even counting the biometric stuff! turns out, pretty much the only way you can obtain German citizenship is if one of your parents had it. even if you were born in Germany, you don't get it unless your parents are citizens. for immigrants, they have to be in the country for like, 10+ years before they're even considered. Germans don't believe in dual citizenship (hence Dad's landed immigrant status in Canada) but as i was "naturalized" as a Canadian, and didn't specifically apply for citizenship here, i can still get my German one. gah, what a mess. so basically, after i dig up some super old passports and send away for my birth certificate and get a new photo taken - i will have to wait 7-8 weeks and i'll officially have dual citizenship. weirddd.
Mom, Dad and i went to Crawford Lake for a late walk last night. god, i'd forgotten how pretty it was. strangely enough, the Iroquoian Village was under construction, haha. we saw lots of fish and frogs, and on our way out - we spotted a striped tail sticking out of a garbage bin! there was a momma raccoon pulling out trash for her four babies. awwww. took loads of photos. i wanted to cuddle them to bits. and on the drive home, we saw the most beautiful moon, just peeking out from above some clouds.
new icon by elfengarden. it's a lot more summery than the weather. i need to see Mamma Mia! again soon. i remember last seeing it with Anna, Harriet, and Ellen, singing aloud and laughing at Pierce Brosnan. good times.
also: John Hughes? oh my!