Your · Artemis

so... yeah! the apartment's great. my room's starting to feel like my own, and while there's a bit of a camping/visiting someone else's vibe around the place, eventually it will start to feel permanent.
not going to go into much detail, but move in day was great. everything went really smoothly, and there were plenty of people about. besides me and my parents, there was Adri, and Dave and his parents. Danilo even stopped by for a few hours to help out! we had a lovely first day: unpacking, squealing with excitement, showing each other things, decorating, setting up the kitchen, building furniture, sorting out curtains, eating lasagna and tandoori sausuages, watching How I Met Your Mother just before bed, and on and on. after one of his LSAT simulation tests, Danilo came back, this time with our housewarming gift! as soon as i held it, i knew what it was, even though it's fairly rectangular in size! I started grinning away, and once Adri had unwrapped it i jumped up to give Danilo a big hug. ever-so-awesomely, he'd bought us a Magna-Doodle!! or, rather, the contemporary equivalent of one. apparently Magna-Doodles no longer exist, but they have these odd Imaginarium boards which are the exact same thing, but more yellow. he said, "I looked in all these stores for a yellow picture frame, but couldn't find any so I bought you this instead." i was the only one who caught the Friends references, but it's a great gift regardless.
thing is, our walls are fairly dodgy and we're not sure about hanging anything almost heavy up. the hall mirror was a stretch, haha. but yeah, otherwise the new place is quite alright. our living room is orange/red/white, which is nice. on Saturday, the three of us went to Ikea to get some odds and ends. the closest subway station is about a 15-20min walk, and is near a Loblaw's. Ikea took about 45mins. haven't gone in the other direction yet, so i'm not sure how long it'll take me to get to Glendon by foot. apparently it's deceptively long.
living with Dave and Adri is so far great. i mean, Adri is Adri and already there have been lots of cringe-worthy moments, but for now, when she gets to be too much (she has a habit of singing aloud, off-key and loudly, and always to foreign lyrics) i simply retreat to my room and close the door. yeah, ha, it's alright. there' s alot of "that's just who she is, she can't help it, just accept it" going on from Dave and i, but more than likely we'll be alright. as with so many things - if i can make it through this year, i can make it through anything!
Adri's mom is over at the moment, arrived this morning. Nic was over this morning too. not sure what's going on with him and Adri, but only time will tell. Dave's gone back home for the long weekend, but i'm staying here. after sitting talking with Adri and her mom (nice enough) for awhile this afternoon, i walked back up to Bayview Village Mall. for the record, it is the most posh mall around for miles. cheapest clothing stores in there is Guess, from what i can see. but they do have a Shoppers and a Chapters, which is where i went to pick up some books. there was some nice live music playing, so i hung around for awhile, perusing the shelves and gazing into photograph collections of Britain.
and now? dunno really. dinner soon, i presume. till then, probably just some more reading. we've been lucky with the weather so far, and i leave my window open all of the time. would like to sit out on the front balcony to read. no idea what's in store for tonight, as Adri's mom's staying till Tuesday evening and i'm not sure what they're up to.
tomorrow everything's closed, so i think it'll be a fairly lazy day, lots of reading. on Tuesday i'm going to Glendon to visit Djordjevic and buy some textbooks. i think that's when Danilo's moving into res too. possibly. and then in the evening we're all invited to Dora and Jo's. should be a good day!
also also also: nine days till my Christoph arrives!!

i really want to go shopping. like, that's all i'm dying to do. shopping in York, though expensive, was easy to achieve. just grab a bus, 15mins later, you're there, in the midst of one of the greatest shopping districts in the area. gorgeous, gorgeous stores and clothing to-die-for (pricetags too, haha).
and here? well, we have malls. either way, i need some stuff. with uni beginning again soon, it's that "back to school" feeling, isn't it? nevermind the paper and books and stuff, i need other things as well. since April, i have not owned a single pair of jeans. not one. that's gotta be a first for my life. and whlie that's okay in summers, with autumn just around the corner... it ain't gonna do. i need at least two pairs. currently, i only own one pair of trousers.
i've also found an old Chapters gift card, and Nikki gave me one for Shoppers for my birthday. that'll take care of a lot, thank goodness. need to find my Optimum card. i know i have no money, but it's been so long since i've been shopping! it's hard for me, in a way. shopping's cathartic, if done right. i miss just looking through the shops, getting excited about clothes again. ideally, i'd love to take Hannah with me, or Dutchie, but it looks like i'll have to find the time on my own.
life, since you might be wondering, is alright. i can't remember what i last wrote about in here. hit and miss, you know, as life generally is. am meeting up with Kit sometime this week to go for a coffee. was supposed to do it today, but spoke to Dave last night and he's free to take me to check out our apartment tonight!! massively excited. need to take lots of measurements, and am going to try and bring as much stuff up as possible, just to save us later. tentative move-in date is September 4th.

forget my birthday, and Chris, and work, and everything else for a second. i must freak out.
from that little sidebar on Facebook, where i hardly ever look, i found out something very disturbing. at least, for me.
from gr7 to gr8, one of my good friends was a girl named Kate. she was in my classes, and best friends with our group's twins. she had a fairly good head on her shoulders, even if you could tell she'd spend a bit too much time just getting by on her looks. anyway, fairly good. went to a proper high school and all. thing is, with most of my French immersion middle school friends, they were pretty religious. like, they "baptized" one wannabe nutter (seriously, don't know where the headcase is now) in the girls' bathroom. that's just what they did. they were religious, i wasn't, and we got on okay. (this also explains why i spent most of the time with the awesome guys - Kit, Gianni, and Darien.)
anyway, given that background, maybe i shouldn't be so surprised, but i am. my mouth is still gaping. it came as a big shock to me to find out that one of the girls from that class (admittedly, not one of the religious ones) has a 1yr old son. but then... this was after she dropped immersion, haha. i'm not an immersion snob, by any means, and will probably never ever put my kids in - but you gotta be honest, they usually are the more dedicated parents/kids. okay, point being: that girl always seemed like she'd be daft enough to get knocked up at 19. this girl though, Kate, is not.
and she's not. knocked up, that is. religious, remember? oh no. Kate, Kate is married. i have seen the photos. the 20yr old girl is married. there is no excuse for that nonsense, i'm sorry. there's no pregnancy, there's no man in the military, there's no terminal disease. they're just 20 and married. what's the rush? i know i'm an atheist, but i think we'd have better families and better kids in our world if people took the time to really get to know their partners - inside and out - before marriage. live with them, sleep with them, fight with them. it really freaks me out because i thought she was clever. at least, cleverer than this. but no, it seems like a classic case of "we're young and hormonal and think we're going to be in love the rest of our lives, so let's get married in God's eyes (under a banner that says "Jesus Christ is our Lord" of all things) so we can finally touch each other and have sex and act like grown-ups." it disturbs me, this mentality. it seriously does. it's not like because you're married you're more serious or adult than any other couple your age. in fact, you're less mature. as if having sex means wearing a ring, as if we don't know - even if you yourself haven't figure it out yet - that you're ready to lose your virginity. don't even get me started on the kid thing. at this age, you haven't even discovered yourself, let alone the world. don't you dare bring a kid in. give yourselves some independence, some freedom, some life experience! 
don't get me wrong, she was a ridiculously beautiful bride, and she's been with this gorgeous guy for awhile, and they'll have stunning babies, but... i can't believe it. i knew her, you know? she wasn't some nameless faceless ditz, she was a friend. i wish her all the best, now that she's done it, but i can't pretend i think it was a good choice. i don't think there's any excuse for getting married so early these days. you have your whole lives ahead of you, what are you afraid of? it just seems like you're extra horny and/or have something to prove. even the way they were holding each other was still awkward. and you know what else is for sure? my daddy would not be funding that, nor would it be at a posh country club. ack. it's more sad than angering, really. i feel sorry for them. i just don't know... i know i'm 21 and slowly becoming a proper adult, you know, but i'm not comfortable with this big rush of marriage and babies. it's not healthy, i don't care what anyone else says.
(also: if your names rhyme? don't do it, kids. just... don't.)
(also: if your cousin (who's our age) and his mates are there, shirts untucked, wearing gangsta baseball hats? don't do it.)
(also: if your bachelorette party consists of 80s fashion, M-A-S-H, and bowling, and is so kiddie-like it's perverse? don't do it.)

but i am. it's just... something about today. i'm feeling overemotional.
i think it was talking to Dutchie this morning. i've missed that girl so much. i hadn't even really realised it until we were talking, and i just wanted to give her a big hug. she's probably, aside from Chris, my best friend in the world. after a mere nine months, and no offense guys if you're reading this - but she's become my sister, in a way. i've never had such a connection with another woman. we're so similar, and yet different. she always knows exactly what to say, and understands me without me even explaining. i don't know how to describe it, but i know i've never had a friend like her. these past 5 weeks without her have been really really tough. i know i talk alot in here about Chris, but it's all of my exchange friends that i've been missing, especially her. not a day goes by when i don't think of them, and what each of them are doing. we talked for five hours. five hours. on Skype. that's quite a mission. if it weren't 9pm her time and i didn't have to go to work, we could've continued. she and Lauren are the nearest i get to people who can truly empathise. neither left boyfriends, but Lauren knows what it's like to come back to Canada, so far away, and Dutchie knows what it's like to miss our particular corridor. we talked about all sorts of things, and laughed, and cried. it was fantastic, and exactly what i needed. it's been awhile since Chris and i have both been free to talk, so i was really looking forward to some quality Ellen time. she's busy with her undergrad dissertation till September, at which point she starts her MA, so our talks will probably remain infrequent, but we'll email quite a bit. i'm not going to lose her, my Dutchie!
anyway, i walked to work in the rain, and i checked out next week's schedule. turns out i'm working 3:30 till close on my birthday. i don't normally work Mondays, so i didn't think to book it off, also - i didn't plan anything with friends. but still. i won't see my parents at all that day, which means doing the whole cake/presents another day. and talking to Chris will be difficult too. by the time he gets home from work, it'll be time for me to leave. he gave me my gift before i left and made me swear not to open it till August 10th. i'm dying to know what it is, and really want to open it in front of him, even if only over Skype. i don't know... like i said, i hadn't planned anything for my 21st, am not exactly excited about it, but... at least having a bit of a relaxing day would've been nice. as it is, i need the money!
work was alright, aside from getting sent home early. i found another person there i really enjoy working with, so that was a nice surprise. we had this crazy/creepy lady in too... mass drama. oh, and i bumped into Aaron! my dream-team partner from last year? that was fortunate. he's at Bronte again this summer. i wish i were still there with him and Jess. turns out they're doing a Deer Walk program on Tuesday nights, so i go along on the 18th, and do coffee later. hope so!
no idea what we're up to tomorrow. Valerie's home for good (till September, anyway) next Thursday, so we're doing her birthday thing then. she had an exam today, can you believe it? poor kid. and she's got another big one Monday, so she couldn't even do the "OMG i'm 19 let's get wasted!!1!" thing tonight, ha. i work tomorrow at 3:30, till close. mainly, Chris and i have got a proper massive Skype talk planned for 11am/4pm.
i cannot wait. this past week, for some reason, has been well hard without him, i'm not sure why. i'm just feeling the distance more. all these times i wish i could say "i love you" in person, you know? tell him the little things that happen, get a hug when i'm down, listen to his rants and ravings about food, run my hands through his hair... my birthday marks the halfway point between when i left and when he visits. it feels as though we've been apart for months. it sounds kind of cheesy, i guess, but before i left i made him wear one of his t-shirts for a week. well, not when it was really humid/sweaty and he went topless, or when he was at American football, or we dressed up posh, you get the idea. i wanted to take something with me that was really his, you know? as close to being him as possible. and t-shirts are great like that. it would smell like him, i could wrap it around me, etc. (i swear, i'm not the only crazy woman who does this.) i felt kinda bad about stealing one of his tops, so i bought him one to replace it with. anyway, he wore it, i tied up in a carrier bag, and packed it up. it's still in my suitcase, hasn't been opened yet. i've been good about it, i don't want to open it too soon you know? i know the scent can fade quickly, and i want to wait till i'm really missing him. there've been some days, nights really, when i wanted to crack but i've found some other way to comfort myself. i think that's good, actually, forcing myself to get distracted or find other ways to fall asleep. but lately... it's been really hard. i figured if i could make it to my birthday without tearing the bag open and inhaling, haha, i could make it the other half till he visits. i'm so, so tempted, too tempted, to take it out now. i hate not being with him.
i told Dutchie that the day i left was so horrible, it was without a doubt the most heartbreakingly difficult day of my life - i will not and can not do it again. after this year, i am gone. i am getting back there.

from Lee, because no one writes quite like this:

"I had one of those rare 'lightbulb' moments of clarity.
"I realized that all of those essay deadlines, and seminar presentations, and all those encounters with the dodgy Goodricke laundry, and being away from home and independent, all add up. You emerge with a metaphorical and literal straight back and an understated, mostly confidence in yourself, your abilities, and your, dare I say it, future...
"It is a powerful, not to say humbling, feeling to know, to KNOW, that you are a mature human being and can do whatever you like. And that no-one, or nothing, can stop you. As I was walking past the docks, a Brazilian iron ore carrier was leaving port. I thought 'I know. I'll join the Merchant Navy and go to Brazil!' I won't of course. but I could - if you see what I mean.
"I do not ascribe this deep seated existential optimism to Goodricke College, certainly, and not to the University of York either. It is more to do with people. The people I lived with, and liked and disliked, and learnt from. Either in an exemplary fashion or as something to avoid. COUGH! ANTHONY! COUGH!"

classic, classic Lee. i've never encountered a better letter-writer, really. poor lonely Lee is stuck in his hometown of Port Talbot, Wales for the summer. it's a small steel-mining town, and not a job is to be found. i'm so glad i met him. we've had our peevish moments, sure, but which friends haven't? i know he's a keeper for life. he's written me two letters now, and sent a book (his copy of A Farewell to Arms, which has "polluted" his bookshelf long enough, haha). he's fantastic. each of his letters has been filled with wit and wisdom, and a very honest way of looking at life, which i can very much relate to. he's an old soul, our Lee. now that my conscience is guilty enough, and i've bought loads of stamps (Olympic ones, cute) i think i'll concentrate tomorrow on writing him back. he mentioned to Chris that he might be thinking of going to Belgium and Holland for a little holiday. he could see Dutchie on her home territory! massively jealous. i'd like to write all of them, really, the whole corridor. nothing could be further removed from our life there to my life here, and i miss them so.
anyway, other than that, same old same old. How I Met Your Mother, Harry Potter reading, Williams, and long Skype chats with Chris. might see the Potter movie tonight! fingers crossed. i've heard enough about it (what's in it, what's not, etc.) and seen all the trailers, but i'm simply looking forward to just sitting down and enjoying and a half unadulterated hours of fangirly bliss.

the family was down today. first time i'd seen them since being back. Omi, Tante Chris, Onkel Bart, Eva, Brahm, Onkel Ralph, and Dana. Louise had work, and Logan? dunno. he's sixteen. Dana just got back last weekend from Alert, Nunavut, and was in Kingston for a bit, at the army base there. she met her boyfriend's parents yesterday in Toronto, and as of tomorrow, she and her sister have to start packing for their venture to Central America. goodness.
anyway, i was quite disappointed in the lot of them. they were here, collectively, for a total of 4hrs. that's nothing for my family. i remember the days of monthly stayover visits. i hardly got a chance to talk to them properly, and though the food was delicious, it kinda distracted from conversation. i don't know. not too great, especially considering how high Mom's stress levels had been before they got here. not really worth it.
Williams, as you may or may not know, has been really dead of late. every night shift i work, it seems like there's hardly anyone coming in, compared to the mad rushes i was once used to. while that meant that last night my TL had to send three people home at 10 (seriously, everything was clean) as opposed to midnight. i was quite upset, because i really need the money. but it worked out okay, because David and i stayed out in a park chatting until midnight anyway. David Pynkowski went to Bateman with me, three years younger, just graduated, and i worked at Williams once with him too. basically, he's a fantastic guy. we talked about all sorts: my exchange, his upcoming foray into Carleton, cooking, men, French cinema, etc. so lovely to reconnect.
i just received the most beautiful email from Christoph. he was out with friends in Sidmouth last night, and caught up nicely with dear Arthur. and today, he was at his friend's mum's annual garden party. lots of fun, by the sounds of it. he writes so descriptively, i wish i were there to even witness it in real life. he's emailed Lee, who seems desperately bored in little Port Talbot, Wales. most of the guy's friends have moved out, there aren't any jobs left in the tiny steel mining town, so he's thinking of travelling a bit to Belgium and Holland. ohhh, he might meet up with my Dutchie! mad jealousy. Chris loves me, kids. he really does. i can feel it with every word he writes. he isn't corny or cheesy, yet he manages to convey so much emotion. he does shocking things, like call me "captivating" haha, and it makes me smile.
on another note - what on earth is with this weather?! all week, it's been murky and grey. we've had more thunderstorms in the past two days than i can care to count. and if the sky appears blue for even a minute, it's soon covered up with more clouds. i love it, but honestly! very strange. the forecast isn't promising any change either. i'm awfully disappointed with my Canadian summer so far. if anyone dares again to make a crack about British weather, they're gonna get a kick. since i've been back, it hasn't been over 30 degrees once. it's barely humid, i haven't gone in the pool, and i'm wondering where the sun is hiding. i'm not a summer person, it's true, but i was not expecting this! yes, i'm pretty sure that my Yorkies are having a nicer summer than we are here.

you're supposed to be over it by now. you've been back a fortnight, how long does it take? why haven't you fully unpacked? why don't you go out? why're you so absent-minded? what are you thinking about? you seem like you're a on a different planet. you seem okay, you must be okay by now. life seems back to normal, or? you've settled alright. haven't you? while you've been on your little trip, we've done such-and-such. what's it like to be back? do you miss England? are happy to be back in Canada? why would you stay in a long-distance relationship anyway? why don't you talk about the same things you used to? why aren't you interested in the same stuff? what have you missed most about here? what do you miss most now about there? we miss you, we're bored, come hang out. or, we want to see you but don't know why you're so quiet. why are you so different now?  oh but it seems as if you're alright. you must have missed us, you must be happy to be back. can you cross the road properly now? are you happy you went? i can't imagine ever doing what you've done.

no you bloody well can't. i feel like a shell of my fomer self. there's such mental repression going on; a continual state of denial, deliberate memory loss.
i weep so heavily that i lose my breath. i don't know when this will stop. i don't know what kind of "normal" to strive for. my life here is more or less empty. i have my parents and cats around, but that's about it. work is a blur, for the most part. i don't see friends, the closest i get is seeing Friends. it takes ages for me to fall asleep, and i spend too long in the shower, lost in thought. the physical absence of people other than my family is paralysing. going from a corridor of 17 to this is a shock to my system. and msn isn't good enough. msn makes things worse, unless it's conversation with a European, in which case it's a rare lifeline. i tell myself that i can't wait for autumn, for Glendon again but it's a blatant lie and we all know it. the ones who were supposed to understand, cannot. i don't speak to Adri, and hardly exchange words with Danilo or Dave. not for lack of trying, it's just... i don't know what to say. i'm so disconnected from their lives now. we lost Sheila after our first year, and i can't say i would be surprised if this next year is a slow alienation of myself from the people i was once closest to - even if done accidentally in my exuberant preparations to leave this country for England again. it doesn't help that i can hardly communicate with my British friends. the time zone change is painfully isolating when you're the only one in yours. in a way, it's even too horrible to ask them about what they're up to now because they are the lucky ones, they are still there! in their country, with their friends, and their uni, and their culture. they, like the Canadians, don't understand what it's like.
every mention of the British causes a million emotions to spark off in my body. reading Bill Bryson is a pleasure, but also an exquisite torture. photographs can only be viewed with others, as to discourage tears. Miss Marple programmes are bearable due to their 1950s vibe. hearing the accents of customers at work makes me want to hug strangers. i want to be surrounded by them, but at the same time, find it too sad. nine seconds out of ten, and i'm thinking of my "other" existence, the one that no longer exists. i want nothing more than to go back in time and do it again. and seeing as that's not possible, the next best thing is to leave again as soon as possible, and experience more. there's a lot of pain and sadness tied up in that year of my life - but there is much, much more joy and love. so i find it exceedingly difficult to make myself "settle". (whatever that means.) 
i feel as though i'm not living up to expectations. i don't know what is wanted of me now. what were you thinking would happen? i don't know how people think i should behave. and even if i wanted to make all that true - i don't think i could. is it really best to pretend i'm the same person i was? i know there must be a way to have life be okay again, it's only a matter of waiting for the solution to materialise. if outwardly i seem alright and alert, i can guarantee you that my mind is elsewhere. nevermind the geography, i feel mentally detached from Canadian life as well. and British life. my body is on one coninent, my... soul(?) is another. i'm in a kind of perverse limbo which very few people can sympathise with.
the moments i most look foward to in a day are simple to qualify. times when i can communicate with Chris - either through email, or delightfully sadistic Skype - are the magical moments. i like sitting down with my Bill Bryson. i like watching British films. i download and listen to my British clubbing songs. and of course, i'm dying to go see the new Harry Potter. in reality, there's precious little else to do. as mentioned, my house is empty most of the day, and the city seems to be deserted. work is a temporary distraction, albeit a profitable one. i, for one, know and accept how incredibly lucky i have been to possess such memories, souvenirs, and experience. even before i left, i was a very strong believer that everyone deserves such an opportunity. alas, not everyone has such ambitions, nor can attain them. but i do and have, and am lucky. i regret nothing. 
without being clichéd or hyperbolic, i feel robotic. a fraud. empty. fractured. i left my heart with Christoph in his country. i don't know how to function.

erm... so today?
it was kind of awesome.
kind of shit, but kind of awesome.
interview: good news is, it went well. bad news is, they're only looking for people for September onwards. so fack. there goes that.
Williams: dead quiet. like, at 9pm we had 7 people in the restaurant. we finished all the closing stuff we could by 8. after 11:15, we had no one. weird for a Saturday night. and totally boring. i did score lots of chocolate croissants though.
plus side: seeing my Katrina again! she came in for a milkshake. it was the first time we met in over two and a half years. i can't describe how strange it was to catch up. mainly because, while 8 months ago i was at Anna's birthday party - Katrina was being impregnated. oh yes. my dear colleague, all of 21yrs old, and with an unfinished college degree has moved in with her boyfriend in downtown Burlington, of all places, and has gotten knocked up. they are naming her daughter Amberlynn. i seemed to be the only person in the place who saw something wrong with this situation. jesus.
plus side: Cyrus! probably no one really knows this, but Cyrus is one of those people i will forever be bumping into. usually no more than once a year, that is, and usually at my workplace. but it has happened relatively frequently, considering we only met to begin with because he's Darien's (now Darius) older brother. (Darien: good friend from elementary/middle school, lives in neighbourhood.) we were also in the same high school for one year. actually, ha, some of you might remember him dating one of our twin friends. oh, and he used to drive a blue Beetle. anyway. Cyrus - for an acquaintance - is probably one of my favourite people in the world. every time we meet we have the most lovely conversations, and i'm grinning. we see each other so infrequently because one of us is always going somewhere. he's travelled all over. i mean, Darien was in China teaching for a year, but Cyrus - being older - has done more. he was in New Brunswick a few years back, went through a few places in Europe, and for at least a year now has been working in Dubai. now, however, he's been given unpaid leave for two months, so he's come to his parents here. he arrived the same date i did, back in Canada. in a few weeks, he's taking Darien to Prague, Vienna, and Budapest. am mightily jealous. so Cyrus came at the beginning of my break, and i delayed going back to work by another 10mins after i should have. we talked about all sorts of things, mainly our travels, what it feels like to be in Canada again, living abroad, English literature, etc. it was wonderful, and so great to see him again!
and, that's it for now. very tired. my feet are killing me. it's been an eventful day, even if i don't count any of that stuff. Valerie's been up this weekend. and we had our family friends from Newmarket over today. and i work again tomorrow evening. but tomorrow morning i'm having a nice long Skype chat with my Christoph!! at this moment, he's at work. 6:22am there. time changes freak me out.

you all know i've been a reluctant Canuck lately, but today Ian posted this on my wall and i had to grin: 

too awesome for words.
and... that's it. still no one's called about the job. work at Williams 11-4 tomorrow. not enthused, but at least it's money! cut up some more fabric today for those receiving blankets (don't ask) and dug up my old Ikea hanging photo frames. i set them up with my stunning Shakespeare cards (the ones i bought at the Globe) and am loving it. chatted to Chris for a bit, who worked at some warehouse today. he'll be doing that for the next little while, before hopefully(!) doing some work in a hotel somewhere. if there's anywhere lacking in jobs, it's Ottery St Mary, Devon. might watch a Miss Marple with Mom and Dad tonight, or run along and do my own thing, like watching So You Think You Can Dance, yay. the thing about this season is, while the dancing is more or less flawless, the dancers are still lacking in character, in personality. i'm not attached to anyone. maybe tonight will remedy that.