Your · Artemis

i feel...
lost? alone. sad. afraid. hopeful. confused. thankful (that we had two weeks). like i'm back to ground zero. like i've left England all over again.  like there is nothing i want more in the world right now than to follow him back over the ocean.
i'll write more tomorrow, i suppose.our time together was too precious to waste sitting around on the computer, so i wasn't able to document much of our adventures. but there were many, and they were excellent. i want to write everything down. and i'll change my userpic to something more appropriate.
but for now, i just miss him lying next to me. it's taking everything i have not to crawl out of bed and unwrap his t-shirt. i'm trying to bestrong, but mostly i feel like the most helpless, useless thing in the world. i wish four and a half months felt like four and a half days. i wish i could make him be here now.

i'm aware that the written medium, electronically no less, can only convey so much. at least, in my not-so-capable hands. greater writers have greater gifts.
i can't fall asleep. i was out of work at 11 (no more Williams!) and in bed by twenty past. after watching a Doctor Who on CBC, i've been trying to get to sleep. that was, what, two and a half hours ago? i can't fall asleep. my mind, in the past fortnight, has been whirring. not only with concerns of the apartment, but more challenging questions about my future. you know, the weighty issues: work, address, an end of school, etc. that isn't what this post is about though.
i write in here a lot that i miss Chris. but it's all just words to you, isn't it? most people don't understand, i suppose, and who can fault them? it's not exactly a common experience. yes, couples have been apart, but to be in a true long-distance relationship, knowing that the next time you see each other is only for a limited amount of time? that the majority of the next year(s) of your life will be spent apart? not so common.
so imagine for me, if you will, what it's like: you can't fall asleep because you don't hear the soothing soft breathing next to you, the shifting of another body in bed to which you've become accustomed. you miss making breakfast in bed. you're making mental lists of stories/details you want to share the next time you send an email or converse, because they aren't around to tell directly. you still consider how he'd react to what you're wearing today, even though it's totally irrelevant. you're wondering non-stop, non stop, what your partner is doing, what they're thinking. even if it's a background, unconscious gesture - your mind is always wondering. you worry too, though hopefully not as often as you wonder. but you do worry. you worry that they're unhappy, or - cruelly but honestly - you suspect why they might be too happy. you count down the days until your next reunion. every morning, it's the first thing to cross your mind. you dream of them. i dream a lot, and i dream about the most diverse group of people from my past - but more than anyone else, i really do dream of Chris. you no longer cook for two. you're at work and before your brain has even noticed, your subconscious has already realised that "your" song is playing. suddenly, the world stops and you get wrapped up in it, wondering if they're listening to it too.. when people mention your partner, you beg them to ask more questions. what else matters in your world, other than him? his details are for your eyes only, but you find it so, so frustrating not to be able to discuss him and his life with others, to be amidst a group of people who don't know him, who don't know enough. when you're getting ready in the morning, you wish he could see how great you look. instead you have to rely on pixelated images, or worse - no images at all. every time you glance at a clock, you do the math, figuring out what time it is for him. you miss being able to blurt out "i love you" at the unexpected intervals, whenever the thought strikes you. you find yourself wishing you would win the lottery, not to buy houses or cars or donate to charities even, but so you can buy all the plane tickets you like. you wish Hermione's Time-Turner or the Doctor's Tardis existed, so that you could go back and forwards in time. more often than you'd like to admit, you find yourself perusing old Facebook albums, desperate for glimpses of him, and tempting your memory to bring up old, forgotten moments. a once average and unassuming shirt is now one of your most prized possessions. even when you are supremely happy, you know it would be 100x better if he were there. you can't help but remember even his worst habits fondly, and would give anything to witness an unending conversation about X-box Madden with his best mate. waking up in the mornings, and realising that he isn't there, that you're not going to see him today makes you want to slide back under the covers. more important than your impending moving-out, or beginning of university, or graduation, or job hunt - is your future together. suddenly, every piece in your wardrobe reminds you of him, of your time together (of England). you're delighted that he is still yours, but fleetingly, and not very seriously at all, you wonder why you're putting yourself through this. and then you remember that you love him. he has your heart, and without him you are incomplete. you can only be your best with him, and wish others could see you as you are together. you send links to music videos, commercials, news articles, PostSecret updates, photos and he does the same. you miss not only him, but his friends, family, pets, and neighbours. you love them too, because they are a part of him, and any story they're in is twice as interesting because of this. you try and remember how you managed to be okay on your own, before you even knew he existed. you're more likely to cry. not just due to sad or sappy moments, but anything remotely romantic. and then sometimes, you break down. you really cry your eyes out, hollow sobs are emitted from your throat, your eyes are puffy and lips are chapped because you're nearly hyperventilating. you can't see for all the tears, and feel your neck and hair get damp. you can't breathe through your nose. you squeeze a pillow tight till bursting. the only thing you desire is his touch, his voice, him right here right now. you imagine every blissful memory as an antidote to the pain. then either sleep consumes you, or you are interrupted and shake yourself back to sanity, trying to look, for all intents and purposes, like you aren't an emotional mess whose only crime was falling in love with someone with a different postal code.
and yet, somehow, words still aren't enough.

but i am. it's just... something about today. i'm feeling overemotional.
i think it was talking to Dutchie this morning. i've missed that girl so much. i hadn't even really realised it until we were talking, and i just wanted to give her a big hug. she's probably, aside from Chris, my best friend in the world. after a mere nine months, and no offense guys if you're reading this - but she's become my sister, in a way. i've never had such a connection with another woman. we're so similar, and yet different. she always knows exactly what to say, and understands me without me even explaining. i don't know how to describe it, but i know i've never had a friend like her. these past 5 weeks without her have been really really tough. i know i talk alot in here about Chris, but it's all of my exchange friends that i've been missing, especially her. not a day goes by when i don't think of them, and what each of them are doing. we talked for five hours. five hours. on Skype. that's quite a mission. if it weren't 9pm her time and i didn't have to go to work, we could've continued. she and Lauren are the nearest i get to people who can truly empathise. neither left boyfriends, but Lauren knows what it's like to come back to Canada, so far away, and Dutchie knows what it's like to miss our particular corridor. we talked about all sorts of things, and laughed, and cried. it was fantastic, and exactly what i needed. it's been awhile since Chris and i have both been free to talk, so i was really looking forward to some quality Ellen time. she's busy with her undergrad dissertation till September, at which point she starts her MA, so our talks will probably remain infrequent, but we'll email quite a bit. i'm not going to lose her, my Dutchie!
anyway, i walked to work in the rain, and i checked out next week's schedule. turns out i'm working 3:30 till close on my birthday. i don't normally work Mondays, so i didn't think to book it off, also - i didn't plan anything with friends. but still. i won't see my parents at all that day, which means doing the whole cake/presents another day. and talking to Chris will be difficult too. by the time he gets home from work, it'll be time for me to leave. he gave me my gift before i left and made me swear not to open it till August 10th. i'm dying to know what it is, and really want to open it in front of him, even if only over Skype. i don't know... like i said, i hadn't planned anything for my 21st, am not exactly excited about it, but... at least having a bit of a relaxing day would've been nice. as it is, i need the money!
work was alright, aside from getting sent home early. i found another person there i really enjoy working with, so that was a nice surprise. we had this crazy/creepy lady in too... mass drama. oh, and i bumped into Aaron! my dream-team partner from last year? that was fortunate. he's at Bronte again this summer. i wish i were still there with him and Jess. turns out they're doing a Deer Walk program on Tuesday nights, so i go along on the 18th, and do coffee later. hope so!
no idea what we're up to tomorrow. Valerie's home for good (till September, anyway) next Thursday, so we're doing her birthday thing then. she had an exam today, can you believe it? poor kid. and she's got another big one Monday, so she couldn't even do the "OMG i'm 19 let's get wasted!!1!" thing tonight, ha. i work tomorrow at 3:30, till close. mainly, Chris and i have got a proper massive Skype talk planned for 11am/4pm.
i cannot wait. this past week, for some reason, has been well hard without him, i'm not sure why. i'm just feeling the distance more. all these times i wish i could say "i love you" in person, you know? tell him the little things that happen, get a hug when i'm down, listen to his rants and ravings about food, run my hands through his hair... my birthday marks the halfway point between when i left and when he visits. it feels as though we've been apart for months. it sounds kind of cheesy, i guess, but before i left i made him wear one of his t-shirts for a week. well, not when it was really humid/sweaty and he went topless, or when he was at American football, or we dressed up posh, you get the idea. i wanted to take something with me that was really his, you know? as close to being him as possible. and t-shirts are great like that. it would smell like him, i could wrap it around me, etc. (i swear, i'm not the only crazy woman who does this.) i felt kinda bad about stealing one of his tops, so i bought him one to replace it with. anyway, he wore it, i tied up in a carrier bag, and packed it up. it's still in my suitcase, hasn't been opened yet. i've been good about it, i don't want to open it too soon you know? i know the scent can fade quickly, and i want to wait till i'm really missing him. there've been some days, nights really, when i wanted to crack but i've found some other way to comfort myself. i think that's good, actually, forcing myself to get distracted or find other ways to fall asleep. but lately... it's been really hard. i figured if i could make it to my birthday without tearing the bag open and inhaling, haha, i could make it the other half till he visits. i'm so, so tempted, too tempted, to take it out now. i hate not being with him.
i told Dutchie that the day i left was so horrible, it was without a doubt the most heartbreakingly difficult day of my life - i will not and can not do it again. after this year, i am gone. i am getting back there.

in all fairness, nothing of any great magnitude has happened. i don't find myself feeling the urge to write in here as often as i once did, which is quite strange.
my birthday's in a few days. for the first time for as long as i can remember, i'm not that excited. i was a hundred times more anxious for February 10th of this year than August 10th, haha. i have no plans, aside from unwrapping some gifts from my parents, i suppose. it's a Monday, so i'm presuming i'll wait until they get home to do that. Chris sent me post last week, and inside i found two letters - one for my birthday, and one for our anniversary (the month after). i love him to pieces, but the agony of not reading them right away nearly killed me. also, i've still got his gift. on my last night in the UK he gave it to me, under the condtion that i would not open it until my twenty-first birthday. i'm massively excited about that. so no, there's not much else going on. i don't know. should i be sad that i'm not sad about this? somehow it feels as though anything after that incredible week of mine and Dutchie's half-birthdays, nothing else could be as great anyway.
in other news, in light of my upcoming birthday, Mom and i decided to look more seriously into the idea of me getting my German passport. i have legal access to it, as at the time of my birth, not just one, but both of my parents were German citizens. i thought about this, as i was applying for my study visa for the exchange, but it wouldn't made too much of a difference. however, when (and it is a "when") i leave to study in England again next year, i will be counted as a member of the EU, and will thus be eligible for lower tuition costs and more scholarships, yay! definitely worth it then. i phoned the Consulate in Toronto, and found out what i have to do. then Mom and i spent a good couple of hours digging through all our drawers and folders and fireproof boxes to find the documentation i need. turns out, Germans are a pain in the arse. who'd've guessed it? they want every piece of paper, i swear. parents' birth certificates, parents' passports at the time of my birth, marriage licenses, my "long" birth certificate (which i have to order specially, complete with like, the address of my mom at the time of my birth and my dad's favourite kind of German sausage), etc etc. i think i have to prove that i have some understanding of the German language too. and that's not even counting the biometric stuff! turns out, pretty much the only way you can obtain German citizenship is if one of your parents had it. even if  you were born in Germany, you don't get it unless your parents are citizens. for immigrants, they have to be in the country for like, 10+ years before they're even considered. Germans don't believe in dual citizenship (hence Dad's landed immigrant status in Canada) but as i was "naturalized" as a Canadian, and didn't specifically apply for citizenship here, i can still get my German one. gah, what a mess. so basically, after i dig up some super old passports and send away for my birth certificate and get a new photo taken - i will have to wait 7-8 weeks and i'll officially have dual citizenship. weirddd.
Mom, Dad and i went to Crawford Lake for a late walk last night. god, i'd forgotten how pretty it was. strangely enough, the Iroquoian Village was under construction, haha. we saw lots of fish and frogs, and on our way out - we spotted a striped tail sticking out of a garbage bin! there was a momma raccoon pulling out trash for her four babies. awwww. took loads of photos. i wanted to cuddle them to bits. and on the drive home, we saw the most beautiful moon, just peeking out from above some clouds.
new icon by elfengarden. it's a lot more summery than the weather. i need to see Mamma Mia! again soon. i remember last seeing it with Anna, Harriet, and Ellen, singing aloud and laughing at Pierce Brosnan. good times.
also: John Hughes? oh my!

this evening, Chris and i crossed a line, ventured forth into new territory... and it was good. very very good.
there are lots of things i'd like to write in here about this weekend so far, but i'm far too sleepy now.

the family was down today. first time i'd seen them since being back. Omi, Tante Chris, Onkel Bart, Eva, Brahm, Onkel Ralph, and Dana. Louise had work, and Logan? dunno. he's sixteen. Dana just got back last weekend from Alert, Nunavut, and was in Kingston for a bit, at the army base there. she met her boyfriend's parents yesterday in Toronto, and as of tomorrow, she and her sister have to start packing for their venture to Central America. goodness.
anyway, i was quite disappointed in the lot of them. they were here, collectively, for a total of 4hrs. that's nothing for my family. i remember the days of monthly stayover visits. i hardly got a chance to talk to them properly, and though the food was delicious, it kinda distracted from conversation. i don't know. not too great, especially considering how high Mom's stress levels had been before they got here. not really worth it.
Williams, as you may or may not know, has been really dead of late. every night shift i work, it seems like there's hardly anyone coming in, compared to the mad rushes i was once used to. while that meant that last night my TL had to send three people home at 10 (seriously, everything was clean) as opposed to midnight. i was quite upset, because i really need the money. but it worked out okay, because David and i stayed out in a park chatting until midnight anyway. David Pynkowski went to Bateman with me, three years younger, just graduated, and i worked at Williams once with him too. basically, he's a fantastic guy. we talked about all sorts: my exchange, his upcoming foray into Carleton, cooking, men, French cinema, etc. so lovely to reconnect.
i just received the most beautiful email from Christoph. he was out with friends in Sidmouth last night, and caught up nicely with dear Arthur. and today, he was at his friend's mum's annual garden party. lots of fun, by the sounds of it. he writes so descriptively, i wish i were there to even witness it in real life. he's emailed Lee, who seems desperately bored in little Port Talbot, Wales. most of the guy's friends have moved out, there aren't any jobs left in the tiny steel mining town, so he's thinking of travelling a bit to Belgium and Holland. ohhh, he might meet up with my Dutchie! mad jealousy. Chris loves me, kids. he really does. i can feel it with every word he writes. he isn't corny or cheesy, yet he manages to convey so much emotion. he does shocking things, like call me "captivating" haha, and it makes me smile.
on another note - what on earth is with this weather?! all week, it's been murky and grey. we've had more thunderstorms in the past two days than i can care to count. and if the sky appears blue for even a minute, it's soon covered up with more clouds. i love it, but honestly! very strange. the forecast isn't promising any change either. i'm awfully disappointed with my Canadian summer so far. if anyone dares again to make a crack about British weather, they're gonna get a kick. since i've been back, it hasn't been over 30 degrees once. it's barely humid, i haven't gone in the pool, and i'm wondering where the sun is hiding. i'm not a summer person, it's true, but i was not expecting this! yes, i'm pretty sure that my Yorkies are having a nicer summer than we are here.

so much so much so much. i love him.
and i don't know what to do. 
i've had my iTunes on to distract me soothingly, and am hugging my teddy flag pillow, but it makes no difference. i've been lying awake and alone since eleven. i want to hold him and have him whisper into my ear. i want him to fill this space in my bed.

you're supposed to be over it by now. you've been back a fortnight, how long does it take? why haven't you fully unpacked? why don't you go out? why're you so absent-minded? what are you thinking about? you seem like you're a on a different planet. you seem okay, you must be okay by now. life seems back to normal, or? you've settled alright. haven't you? while you've been on your little trip, we've done such-and-such. what's it like to be back? do you miss England? are happy to be back in Canada? why would you stay in a long-distance relationship anyway? why don't you talk about the same things you used to? why aren't you interested in the same stuff? what have you missed most about here? what do you miss most now about there? we miss you, we're bored, come hang out. or, we want to see you but don't know why you're so quiet. why are you so different now?  oh but it seems as if you're alright. you must have missed us, you must be happy to be back. can you cross the road properly now? are you happy you went? i can't imagine ever doing what you've done.

no you bloody well can't. i feel like a shell of my fomer self. there's such mental repression going on; a continual state of denial, deliberate memory loss.
i weep so heavily that i lose my breath. i don't know when this will stop. i don't know what kind of "normal" to strive for. my life here is more or less empty. i have my parents and cats around, but that's about it. work is a blur, for the most part. i don't see friends, the closest i get is seeing Friends. it takes ages for me to fall asleep, and i spend too long in the shower, lost in thought. the physical absence of people other than my family is paralysing. going from a corridor of 17 to this is a shock to my system. and msn isn't good enough. msn makes things worse, unless it's conversation with a European, in which case it's a rare lifeline. i tell myself that i can't wait for autumn, for Glendon again but it's a blatant lie and we all know it. the ones who were supposed to understand, cannot. i don't speak to Adri, and hardly exchange words with Danilo or Dave. not for lack of trying, it's just... i don't know what to say. i'm so disconnected from their lives now. we lost Sheila after our first year, and i can't say i would be surprised if this next year is a slow alienation of myself from the people i was once closest to - even if done accidentally in my exuberant preparations to leave this country for England again. it doesn't help that i can hardly communicate with my British friends. the time zone change is painfully isolating when you're the only one in yours. in a way, it's even too horrible to ask them about what they're up to now because they are the lucky ones, they are still there! in their country, with their friends, and their uni, and their culture. they, like the Canadians, don't understand what it's like.
every mention of the British causes a million emotions to spark off in my body. reading Bill Bryson is a pleasure, but also an exquisite torture. photographs can only be viewed with others, as to discourage tears. Miss Marple programmes are bearable due to their 1950s vibe. hearing the accents of customers at work makes me want to hug strangers. i want to be surrounded by them, but at the same time, find it too sad. nine seconds out of ten, and i'm thinking of my "other" existence, the one that no longer exists. i want nothing more than to go back in time and do it again. and seeing as that's not possible, the next best thing is to leave again as soon as possible, and experience more. there's a lot of pain and sadness tied up in that year of my life - but there is much, much more joy and love. so i find it exceedingly difficult to make myself "settle". (whatever that means.) 
i feel as though i'm not living up to expectations. i don't know what is wanted of me now. what were you thinking would happen? i don't know how people think i should behave. and even if i wanted to make all that true - i don't think i could. is it really best to pretend i'm the same person i was? i know there must be a way to have life be okay again, it's only a matter of waiting for the solution to materialise. if outwardly i seem alright and alert, i can guarantee you that my mind is elsewhere. nevermind the geography, i feel mentally detached from Canadian life as well. and British life. my body is on one coninent, my... soul(?) is another. i'm in a kind of perverse limbo which very few people can sympathise with.
the moments i most look foward to in a day are simple to qualify. times when i can communicate with Chris - either through email, or delightfully sadistic Skype - are the magical moments. i like sitting down with my Bill Bryson. i like watching British films. i download and listen to my British clubbing songs. and of course, i'm dying to go see the new Harry Potter. in reality, there's precious little else to do. as mentioned, my house is empty most of the day, and the city seems to be deserted. work is a temporary distraction, albeit a profitable one. i, for one, know and accept how incredibly lucky i have been to possess such memories, souvenirs, and experience. even before i left, i was a very strong believer that everyone deserves such an opportunity. alas, not everyone has such ambitions, nor can attain them. but i do and have, and am lucky. i regret nothing. 
without being clichéd or hyperbolic, i feel robotic. a fraud. empty. fractured. i left my heart with Christoph in his country. i don't know how to function.

erm... so today?
it was kind of awesome.
kind of shit, but kind of awesome.
interview: good news is, it went well. bad news is, they're only looking for people for September onwards. so fack. there goes that.
Williams: dead quiet. like, at 9pm we had 7 people in the restaurant. we finished all the closing stuff we could by 8. after 11:15, we had no one. weird for a Saturday night. and totally boring. i did score lots of chocolate croissants though.
plus side: seeing my Katrina again! she came in for a milkshake. it was the first time we met in over two and a half years. i can't describe how strange it was to catch up. mainly because, while 8 months ago i was at Anna's birthday party - Katrina was being impregnated. oh yes. my dear colleague, all of 21yrs old, and with an unfinished college degree has moved in with her boyfriend in downtown Burlington, of all places, and has gotten knocked up. they are naming her daughter Amberlynn. i seemed to be the only person in the place who saw something wrong with this situation. jesus.
plus side: Cyrus! probably no one really knows this, but Cyrus is one of those people i will forever be bumping into. usually no more than once a year, that is, and usually at my workplace. but it has happened relatively frequently, considering we only met to begin with because he's Darien's (now Darius) older brother. (Darien: good friend from elementary/middle school, lives in neighbourhood.) we were also in the same high school for one year. actually, ha, some of you might remember him dating one of our twin friends. oh, and he used to drive a blue Beetle. anyway. Cyrus - for an acquaintance - is probably one of my favourite people in the world. every time we meet we have the most lovely conversations, and i'm grinning. we see each other so infrequently because one of us is always going somewhere. he's travelled all over. i mean, Darien was in China teaching for a year, but Cyrus - being older - has done more. he was in New Brunswick a few years back, went through a few places in Europe, and for at least a year now has been working in Dubai. now, however, he's been given unpaid leave for two months, so he's come to his parents here. he arrived the same date i did, back in Canada. in a few weeks, he's taking Darien to Prague, Vienna, and Budapest. am mightily jealous. so Cyrus came at the beginning of my break, and i delayed going back to work by another 10mins after i should have. we talked about all sorts of things, mainly our travels, what it feels like to be in Canada again, living abroad, English literature, etc. it was wonderful, and so great to see him again!
and, that's it for now. very tired. my feet are killing me. it's been an eventful day, even if i don't count any of that stuff. Valerie's been up this weekend. and we had our family friends from Newmarket over today. and i work again tomorrow evening. but tomorrow morning i'm having a nice long Skype chat with my Christoph!! at this moment, he's at work. 6:22am there. time changes freak me out.