Your · Artemis

i feel...
lost? alone. sad. afraid. hopeful. confused. thankful (that we had two weeks). like i'm back to ground zero. like i've left England all over again.  like there is nothing i want more in the world right now than to follow him back over the ocean.
i'll write more tomorrow, i suppose.our time together was too precious to waste sitting around on the computer, so i wasn't able to document much of our adventures. but there were many, and they were excellent. i want to write everything down. and i'll change my userpic to something more appropriate.
but for now, i just miss him lying next to me. it's taking everything i have not to crawl out of bed and unwrap his t-shirt. i'm trying to bestrong, but mostly i feel like the most helpless, useless thing in the world. i wish four and a half months felt like four and a half days. i wish i could make him be here now.

i'm aware that the written medium, electronically no less, can only convey so much. at least, in my not-so-capable hands. greater writers have greater gifts.
i can't fall asleep. i was out of work at 11 (no more Williams!) and in bed by twenty past. after watching a Doctor Who on CBC, i've been trying to get to sleep. that was, what, two and a half hours ago? i can't fall asleep. my mind, in the past fortnight, has been whirring. not only with concerns of the apartment, but more challenging questions about my future. you know, the weighty issues: work, address, an end of school, etc. that isn't what this post is about though.
i write in here a lot that i miss Chris. but it's all just words to you, isn't it? most people don't understand, i suppose, and who can fault them? it's not exactly a common experience. yes, couples have been apart, but to be in a true long-distance relationship, knowing that the next time you see each other is only for a limited amount of time? that the majority of the next year(s) of your life will be spent apart? not so common.
so imagine for me, if you will, what it's like: you can't fall asleep because you don't hear the soothing soft breathing next to you, the shifting of another body in bed to which you've become accustomed. you miss making breakfast in bed. you're making mental lists of stories/details you want to share the next time you send an email or converse, because they aren't around to tell directly. you still consider how he'd react to what you're wearing today, even though it's totally irrelevant. you're wondering non-stop, non stop, what your partner is doing, what they're thinking. even if it's a background, unconscious gesture - your mind is always wondering. you worry too, though hopefully not as often as you wonder. but you do worry. you worry that they're unhappy, or - cruelly but honestly - you suspect why they might be too happy. you count down the days until your next reunion. every morning, it's the first thing to cross your mind. you dream of them. i dream a lot, and i dream about the most diverse group of people from my past - but more than anyone else, i really do dream of Chris. you no longer cook for two. you're at work and before your brain has even noticed, your subconscious has already realised that "your" song is playing. suddenly, the world stops and you get wrapped up in it, wondering if they're listening to it too.. when people mention your partner, you beg them to ask more questions. what else matters in your world, other than him? his details are for your eyes only, but you find it so, so frustrating not to be able to discuss him and his life with others, to be amidst a group of people who don't know him, who don't know enough. when you're getting ready in the morning, you wish he could see how great you look. instead you have to rely on pixelated images, or worse - no images at all. every time you glance at a clock, you do the math, figuring out what time it is for him. you miss being able to blurt out "i love you" at the unexpected intervals, whenever the thought strikes you. you find yourself wishing you would win the lottery, not to buy houses or cars or donate to charities even, but so you can buy all the plane tickets you like. you wish Hermione's Time-Turner or the Doctor's Tardis existed, so that you could go back and forwards in time. more often than you'd like to admit, you find yourself perusing old Facebook albums, desperate for glimpses of him, and tempting your memory to bring up old, forgotten moments. a once average and unassuming shirt is now one of your most prized possessions. even when you are supremely happy, you know it would be 100x better if he were there. you can't help but remember even his worst habits fondly, and would give anything to witness an unending conversation about X-box Madden with his best mate. waking up in the mornings, and realising that he isn't there, that you're not going to see him today makes you want to slide back under the covers. more important than your impending moving-out, or beginning of university, or graduation, or job hunt - is your future together. suddenly, every piece in your wardrobe reminds you of him, of your time together (of England). you're delighted that he is still yours, but fleetingly, and not very seriously at all, you wonder why you're putting yourself through this. and then you remember that you love him. he has your heart, and without him you are incomplete. you can only be your best with him, and wish others could see you as you are together. you send links to music videos, commercials, news articles, PostSecret updates, photos and he does the same. you miss not only him, but his friends, family, pets, and neighbours. you love them too, because they are a part of him, and any story they're in is twice as interesting because of this. you try and remember how you managed to be okay on your own, before you even knew he existed. you're more likely to cry. not just due to sad or sappy moments, but anything remotely romantic. and then sometimes, you break down. you really cry your eyes out, hollow sobs are emitted from your throat, your eyes are puffy and lips are chapped because you're nearly hyperventilating. you can't see for all the tears, and feel your neck and hair get damp. you can't breathe through your nose. you squeeze a pillow tight till bursting. the only thing you desire is his touch, his voice, him right here right now. you imagine every blissful memory as an antidote to the pain. then either sleep consumes you, or you are interrupted and shake yourself back to sanity, trying to look, for all intents and purposes, like you aren't an emotional mess whose only crime was falling in love with someone with a different postal code.
and yet, somehow, words still aren't enough.

forget my birthday, and Chris, and work, and everything else for a second. i must freak out.
from that little sidebar on Facebook, where i hardly ever look, i found out something very disturbing. at least, for me.
from gr7 to gr8, one of my good friends was a girl named Kate. she was in my classes, and best friends with our group's twins. she had a fairly good head on her shoulders, even if you could tell she'd spend a bit too much time just getting by on her looks. anyway, fairly good. went to a proper high school and all. thing is, with most of my French immersion middle school friends, they were pretty religious. like, they "baptized" one wannabe nutter (seriously, don't know where the headcase is now) in the girls' bathroom. that's just what they did. they were religious, i wasn't, and we got on okay. (this also explains why i spent most of the time with the awesome guys - Kit, Gianni, and Darien.)
anyway, given that background, maybe i shouldn't be so surprised, but i am. my mouth is still gaping. it came as a big shock to me to find out that one of the girls from that class (admittedly, not one of the religious ones) has a 1yr old son. but then... this was after she dropped immersion, haha. i'm not an immersion snob, by any means, and will probably never ever put my kids in - but you gotta be honest, they usually are the more dedicated parents/kids. okay, point being: that girl always seemed like she'd be daft enough to get knocked up at 19. this girl though, Kate, is not.
and she's not. knocked up, that is. religious, remember? oh no. Kate, Kate is married. i have seen the photos. the 20yr old girl is married. there is no excuse for that nonsense, i'm sorry. there's no pregnancy, there's no man in the military, there's no terminal disease. they're just 20 and married. what's the rush? i know i'm an atheist, but i think we'd have better families and better kids in our world if people took the time to really get to know their partners - inside and out - before marriage. live with them, sleep with them, fight with them. it really freaks me out because i thought she was clever. at least, cleverer than this. but no, it seems like a classic case of "we're young and hormonal and think we're going to be in love the rest of our lives, so let's get married in God's eyes (under a banner that says "Jesus Christ is our Lord" of all things) so we can finally touch each other and have sex and act like grown-ups." it disturbs me, this mentality. it seriously does. it's not like because you're married you're more serious or adult than any other couple your age. in fact, you're less mature. as if having sex means wearing a ring, as if we don't know - even if you yourself haven't figure it out yet - that you're ready to lose your virginity. don't even get me started on the kid thing. at this age, you haven't even discovered yourself, let alone the world. don't you dare bring a kid in. give yourselves some independence, some freedom, some life experience! 
don't get me wrong, she was a ridiculously beautiful bride, and she's been with this gorgeous guy for awhile, and they'll have stunning babies, but... i can't believe it. i knew her, you know? she wasn't some nameless faceless ditz, she was a friend. i wish her all the best, now that she's done it, but i can't pretend i think it was a good choice. i don't think there's any excuse for getting married so early these days. you have your whole lives ahead of you, what are you afraid of? it just seems like you're extra horny and/or have something to prove. even the way they were holding each other was still awkward. and you know what else is for sure? my daddy would not be funding that, nor would it be at a posh country club. ack. it's more sad than angering, really. i feel sorry for them. i just don't know... i know i'm 21 and slowly becoming a proper adult, you know, but i'm not comfortable with this big rush of marriage and babies. it's not healthy, i don't care what anyone else says.
(also: if your names rhyme? don't do it, kids. just... don't.)
(also: if your cousin (who's our age) and his mates are there, shirts untucked, wearing gangsta baseball hats? don't do it.)
(also: if your bachelorette party consists of 80s fashion, M-A-S-H, and bowling, and is so kiddie-like it's perverse? don't do it.)

but i am. it's just... something about today. i'm feeling overemotional.
i think it was talking to Dutchie this morning. i've missed that girl so much. i hadn't even really realised it until we were talking, and i just wanted to give her a big hug. she's probably, aside from Chris, my best friend in the world. after a mere nine months, and no offense guys if you're reading this - but she's become my sister, in a way. i've never had such a connection with another woman. we're so similar, and yet different. she always knows exactly what to say, and understands me without me even explaining. i don't know how to describe it, but i know i've never had a friend like her. these past 5 weeks without her have been really really tough. i know i talk alot in here about Chris, but it's all of my exchange friends that i've been missing, especially her. not a day goes by when i don't think of them, and what each of them are doing. we talked for five hours. five hours. on Skype. that's quite a mission. if it weren't 9pm her time and i didn't have to go to work, we could've continued. she and Lauren are the nearest i get to people who can truly empathise. neither left boyfriends, but Lauren knows what it's like to come back to Canada, so far away, and Dutchie knows what it's like to miss our particular corridor. we talked about all sorts of things, and laughed, and cried. it was fantastic, and exactly what i needed. it's been awhile since Chris and i have both been free to talk, so i was really looking forward to some quality Ellen time. she's busy with her undergrad dissertation till September, at which point she starts her MA, so our talks will probably remain infrequent, but we'll email quite a bit. i'm not going to lose her, my Dutchie!
anyway, i walked to work in the rain, and i checked out next week's schedule. turns out i'm working 3:30 till close on my birthday. i don't normally work Mondays, so i didn't think to book it off, also - i didn't plan anything with friends. but still. i won't see my parents at all that day, which means doing the whole cake/presents another day. and talking to Chris will be difficult too. by the time he gets home from work, it'll be time for me to leave. he gave me my gift before i left and made me swear not to open it till August 10th. i'm dying to know what it is, and really want to open it in front of him, even if only over Skype. i don't know... like i said, i hadn't planned anything for my 21st, am not exactly excited about it, but... at least having a bit of a relaxing day would've been nice. as it is, i need the money!
work was alright, aside from getting sent home early. i found another person there i really enjoy working with, so that was a nice surprise. we had this crazy/creepy lady in too... mass drama. oh, and i bumped into Aaron! my dream-team partner from last year? that was fortunate. he's at Bronte again this summer. i wish i were still there with him and Jess. turns out they're doing a Deer Walk program on Tuesday nights, so i go along on the 18th, and do coffee later. hope so!
no idea what we're up to tomorrow. Valerie's home for good (till September, anyway) next Thursday, so we're doing her birthday thing then. she had an exam today, can you believe it? poor kid. and she's got another big one Monday, so she couldn't even do the "OMG i'm 19 let's get wasted!!1!" thing tonight, ha. i work tomorrow at 3:30, till close. mainly, Chris and i have got a proper massive Skype talk planned for 11am/4pm.
i cannot wait. this past week, for some reason, has been well hard without him, i'm not sure why. i'm just feeling the distance more. all these times i wish i could say "i love you" in person, you know? tell him the little things that happen, get a hug when i'm down, listen to his rants and ravings about food, run my hands through his hair... my birthday marks the halfway point between when i left and when he visits. it feels as though we've been apart for months. it sounds kind of cheesy, i guess, but before i left i made him wear one of his t-shirts for a week. well, not when it was really humid/sweaty and he went topless, or when he was at American football, or we dressed up posh, you get the idea. i wanted to take something with me that was really his, you know? as close to being him as possible. and t-shirts are great like that. it would smell like him, i could wrap it around me, etc. (i swear, i'm not the only crazy woman who does this.) i felt kinda bad about stealing one of his tops, so i bought him one to replace it with. anyway, he wore it, i tied up in a carrier bag, and packed it up. it's still in my suitcase, hasn't been opened yet. i've been good about it, i don't want to open it too soon you know? i know the scent can fade quickly, and i want to wait till i'm really missing him. there've been some days, nights really, when i wanted to crack but i've found some other way to comfort myself. i think that's good, actually, forcing myself to get distracted or find other ways to fall asleep. but lately... it's been really hard. i figured if i could make it to my birthday without tearing the bag open and inhaling, haha, i could make it the other half till he visits. i'm so, so tempted, too tempted, to take it out now. i hate not being with him.
i told Dutchie that the day i left was so horrible, it was without a doubt the most heartbreakingly difficult day of my life - i will not and can not do it again. after this year, i am gone. i am getting back there.

you're supposed to be over it by now. you've been back a fortnight, how long does it take? why haven't you fully unpacked? why don't you go out? why're you so absent-minded? what are you thinking about? you seem like you're a on a different planet. you seem okay, you must be okay by now. life seems back to normal, or? you've settled alright. haven't you? while you've been on your little trip, we've done such-and-such. what's it like to be back? do you miss England? are happy to be back in Canada? why would you stay in a long-distance relationship anyway? why don't you talk about the same things you used to? why aren't you interested in the same stuff? what have you missed most about here? what do you miss most now about there? we miss you, we're bored, come hang out. or, we want to see you but don't know why you're so quiet. why are you so different now?  oh but it seems as if you're alright. you must have missed us, you must be happy to be back. can you cross the road properly now? are you happy you went? i can't imagine ever doing what you've done.

no you bloody well can't. i feel like a shell of my fomer self. there's such mental repression going on; a continual state of denial, deliberate memory loss.
i weep so heavily that i lose my breath. i don't know when this will stop. i don't know what kind of "normal" to strive for. my life here is more or less empty. i have my parents and cats around, but that's about it. work is a blur, for the most part. i don't see friends, the closest i get is seeing Friends. it takes ages for me to fall asleep, and i spend too long in the shower, lost in thought. the physical absence of people other than my family is paralysing. going from a corridor of 17 to this is a shock to my system. and msn isn't good enough. msn makes things worse, unless it's conversation with a European, in which case it's a rare lifeline. i tell myself that i can't wait for autumn, for Glendon again but it's a blatant lie and we all know it. the ones who were supposed to understand, cannot. i don't speak to Adri, and hardly exchange words with Danilo or Dave. not for lack of trying, it's just... i don't know what to say. i'm so disconnected from their lives now. we lost Sheila after our first year, and i can't say i would be surprised if this next year is a slow alienation of myself from the people i was once closest to - even if done accidentally in my exuberant preparations to leave this country for England again. it doesn't help that i can hardly communicate with my British friends. the time zone change is painfully isolating when you're the only one in yours. in a way, it's even too horrible to ask them about what they're up to now because they are the lucky ones, they are still there! in their country, with their friends, and their uni, and their culture. they, like the Canadians, don't understand what it's like.
every mention of the British causes a million emotions to spark off in my body. reading Bill Bryson is a pleasure, but also an exquisite torture. photographs can only be viewed with others, as to discourage tears. Miss Marple programmes are bearable due to their 1950s vibe. hearing the accents of customers at work makes me want to hug strangers. i want to be surrounded by them, but at the same time, find it too sad. nine seconds out of ten, and i'm thinking of my "other" existence, the one that no longer exists. i want nothing more than to go back in time and do it again. and seeing as that's not possible, the next best thing is to leave again as soon as possible, and experience more. there's a lot of pain and sadness tied up in that year of my life - but there is much, much more joy and love. so i find it exceedingly difficult to make myself "settle". (whatever that means.) 
i feel as though i'm not living up to expectations. i don't know what is wanted of me now. what were you thinking would happen? i don't know how people think i should behave. and even if i wanted to make all that true - i don't think i could. is it really best to pretend i'm the same person i was? i know there must be a way to have life be okay again, it's only a matter of waiting for the solution to materialise. if outwardly i seem alright and alert, i can guarantee you that my mind is elsewhere. nevermind the geography, i feel mentally detached from Canadian life as well. and British life. my body is on one coninent, my... soul(?) is another. i'm in a kind of perverse limbo which very few people can sympathise with.
the moments i most look foward to in a day are simple to qualify. times when i can communicate with Chris - either through email, or delightfully sadistic Skype - are the magical moments. i like sitting down with my Bill Bryson. i like watching British films. i download and listen to my British clubbing songs. and of course, i'm dying to go see the new Harry Potter. in reality, there's precious little else to do. as mentioned, my house is empty most of the day, and the city seems to be deserted. work is a temporary distraction, albeit a profitable one. i, for one, know and accept how incredibly lucky i have been to possess such memories, souvenirs, and experience. even before i left, i was a very strong believer that everyone deserves such an opportunity. alas, not everyone has such ambitions, nor can attain them. but i do and have, and am lucky. i regret nothing. 
without being clichéd or hyperbolic, i feel robotic. a fraud. empty. fractured. i left my heart with Christoph in his country. i don't know how to function.

it's strange how unattached i am to my LJ here in Canada again. like, in England i was so eager to scribble down everything that happened, remember ever precious moment. and here... well... there simply isn't that much happening.
the cottage was lots of fun. not intense, that's for sure. was just us three and Ivana. not too warm, in the end, but we were still out on/in the water quite a bit. played lots of games. went to bed around 3:30 both nights, and even then, still chatted. very typical for us. i'm really happy to be with the two of them. i have missed our moments. we're not quite there yet, and may never be again, but it's okay. my British men can't compare to my Canadian ones, they're just different. there wasn't too much emotional drama (a bit, mainly caused by a forgotten and thus unexpected song on the radio) ooh, anyway, found out that Danilo is applying to law school this year, eeek. doing his LSATs in September. Dave's a bit disappointed in us, but i can't see it any other way - we've always had different ambitions and goals. so after Danilo and i graduate (fingers crossed!) next year, and Dave's stuck with one more year of his BA/BEd, we'll be scattered. obviously, i want to be back in York, and Danilo's hoping to get into McGill. more changes are coming, but we still have about a year together.
on the job front, still no one's called. i can't effing believe it. the Thai place said they were looking! for gods' sake. i don't know what i'm going to do. jeez, i even - shush! - applied to McDonald's. i am that desperate. i'm not through with the UK yet!
speaking of which, last night i finally put up my photos from the last weekend. took my time doing it, captioning all the photos. at the same time (mind, 5hrs ahead, haha) Lee put his up. Facebook's been flooded with Goodrickers' comments. did i tell you about Lee's photos? for the past year, the sight of Lee shuffling about with his proper camera has been a common fixture around Cell Block. he's been documenting life in our corridor. you know, all the moments you don't want captured! the mess in the kitchen, unkempt as you're making tea, checking yourself out in the mirror, making funny faces, doing dopey things you'll be embarassed of later, etc. etc. and these photos - they are WONDERFUL. absolutely wonderful. can't help but get choked up as you flick through the 400 or so of the last term that he's posted. black and white or colour, they're incredible. he's captured corridor life as it actually was. none of the make-up or going out clothes - but the tears, laughter, and chaos. these are the photos that we will cherish in years to come, as the memories flood to the surface. compiled, they are a work of art for us, for those of us that lived there. there's a Welsh saying, evidently, "We know because we were there." and that's it.
i've spoken to Chris quite a bit in these past few empty days, and received messages from Lee and Hannah. Dutchie and i'll have to get a Skype date planned too. they told us at the pre-departure meeting over a year ago that once we returned, we'd measure time in the days that've passed since our return. painfully true. nine days later and i'm becoming more determined to get back. without exagerration, i can honestly say that i've never felt like this before. i've never had a dream that grips my heart like this one.

first new icon (metallicar) in months, what an occasion. i actually saw this episode of That 70's Show last night, in my attempt to watch late-night tv so i fell asleep more easily. (it makes sense to me.) i became attached to the show in second year, with Dave and Danilo, but them aside - this episode gutted me.
off to the cottage in a few hours, yayyy. i don't know when we'll next have the opportunity to spend a care-free weekend with each other, so i figured i might as well go for it. some time away might me do me good.
"In This City" by Iglu and Hartly - do yourselves a favour and give it a listen.

it was the flowers, it was the handwritten song, it was every single hug.
i think it's safe to say that this weekend was one of the most difficult for me to endure in a very, very long time. (well... maybe not as difficult as those dark days after Danilo and i broke up, but it was damned tough.)
Friday night was in Toronto: Nic, Dora, Jo, Marybeth, Novak, Danilo, Marko, Rob, Robynn, Brian. there were a few others there, but those were the ones i had to say goodbye to. Mom always says that my heart is too big, that it tries to accomodate so many people. the thing about having such a big heart is that it can break into so many more pieces, but that you can also care for people so much more. saying goodbye to Novak was way harder than i thought it'd be. i've become more attached to him than i thought i would, and i'll miss having him around. he's one of a kind, and i'm glad that, as he says wryly, "We'll always have Facebook." if i didn't want to look nice for the rest of the evening (he left earlier) i would've given in and just let the tears stream down my face. he knew i wanted to. ohh, he knew. i did truly enjoy myself that evening though. i didn't get too drunk, but it was nicer, i felt more grounded. i liked having everyone around me. one thing that was hard was realizing that there's still lots to learn about certain people (Marko, Jo, etc.) and i may never get the opportunity to get to know them better. at the very end of the night, Robynn drove us back to Dora's. i didn't want to get out of the van because i knew what was coming. i couldn't face saying goodbye, but Marybeth was looking at me, kind of telling me that it was time. i think i hugged her at least half a dozen times. without me even realizing it she's become such a close friend. she's one of the few i don't worry about losing, or worry about our relationship changing. saying bye to Robynn was tough too, but i know i'll be okay without her, i know she'll be around as much as she ever was. but as if i weren't upset enough after Marybeth, i then had to turn around and say goodbye to Danilo. the guy was drunker than i think i've ever seen him. i'm not sure why. maybe it's kind of like how i became ridiculously drunk the night Dave left? either way, i doubt Danilo even remembers saying bye. knowing this made me a little less satisfied, made this feel like an inadequate farewell - but maybe that's only typical. maybe that's the only way it could've turned out. all i know is that i didn't want to let him go. after everything that's happened, after everything he's done or not done or whatever... i can't help caring about him. i can't help feeling as if i was leaving behind one of the most important people in my life. seeing them drive off made me feel so alone.
Saturday night was not much more fun. well, that's not true. with Dee, Jordan, Graeme, Sarah, and Dave - it's never not fun. we had a blast and i laughed like crazy. we made many more memories to add to my collection, and i'm happy we could relax and be mischevious one more time together. we can do the simplest things, and it'll still be awesome. that's the magic of us, of being so comfortable with each other and who we each are. i thought it would be hard to hang on to this bunch, and while things've changed since high school - we're still together, i still look forward to going out with them every time. so while saying goodbye to them at the end of the night, knowing that i won't get to hug any of them for so long was devastating - i trust that we will pull through. they're keepers, right Dee?
and today? my family came down for a last visit. i had a great time with my cousins (though Dana is in Montréal) and Valerie too. it was nothing too fancy, too overwhelming. just a lot of good conversation with my aunt, uncles, and grandmother. i squeezed little Brahm and Eva a lot (the Leupens are visiting me this year!). it was kind of weird knowing that they're all going to be seeing each other as soon as next weekend, for Thanksgiving. it's the first holiday i'm going to be away from, and i'll be thinking of them. as they were leaving, i was actually doing okay crying-wise, but then Tante Chris came up to me with tears in her eyes and i couldn't help starting too. they're family though, and i know i will always have them around. this helps.
when Val left this evening, i actually didn't cry at all. i'm going to miss the pain-in-the-arse a lot (don't tell her) but i know we'll keep in pretty good touch. she's my sister, right? even if i fight with her half the time, we're stuck with each other. she's having her own adventure this year, and i want to start mine.
i always knew this weekend would suck. Nikki and her kids came by, and Sharon (Mom and Dad's friend/Mom's coworker's wife/the most kind-hearted woman on the planet) phoned to have a long talk too. basically the only ones left now are Mom, Dad, and maybe Viv. i can't wrap my head around the fact that i have three more nights at home. but you know what's harder to accept than that? the fact that i will not see, will not physically see or touch, most of the people i love so dearly until next summer. July, can you believe it? it seems as if summer just ended, yet that's how long i'm going to have to wait. heat, pools, summer jobs, long days, barbecues, and birthdays. when all these things return, that's when i'll be home again.
saying goodbye this weekend, i wasn't sure i could ever figure out how to say to my friends and family the depths to which i love and appreciate them. you see, it's not like i think i'm going to lose everyone, no, it's more like i know the relationships will never be the same, i know how much people can change and i'm mourning the loss of how perfect everything is right now. do you see Rose's expression in this userpic (windsong_icons)? this sublimely beautiful userpic which will stay on my journal for a long time to come? do you see how stricken she is? (admittedly, it helps to've seen this scene) well, that's kind of how i feel. it's as if everything i've lived my life for is leaving. but what my friends have taught me in these past few days is that in the end, the truest and most honest thing for me to tell them is what i whispered in Danilo's ear: "You already know everything I want to say."
love yous!