Your · Artemis

but i am. it's just... something about today. i'm feeling overemotional.
i think it was talking to Dutchie this morning. i've missed that girl so much. i hadn't even really realised it until we were talking, and i just wanted to give her a big hug. she's probably, aside from Chris, my best friend in the world. after a mere nine months, and no offense guys if you're reading this - but she's become my sister, in a way. i've never had such a connection with another woman. we're so similar, and yet different. she always knows exactly what to say, and understands me without me even explaining. i don't know how to describe it, but i know i've never had a friend like her. these past 5 weeks without her have been really really tough. i know i talk alot in here about Chris, but it's all of my exchange friends that i've been missing, especially her. not a day goes by when i don't think of them, and what each of them are doing. we talked for five hours. five hours. on Skype. that's quite a mission. if it weren't 9pm her time and i didn't have to go to work, we could've continued. she and Lauren are the nearest i get to people who can truly empathise. neither left boyfriends, but Lauren knows what it's like to come back to Canada, so far away, and Dutchie knows what it's like to miss our particular corridor. we talked about all sorts of things, and laughed, and cried. it was fantastic, and exactly what i needed. it's been awhile since Chris and i have both been free to talk, so i was really looking forward to some quality Ellen time. she's busy with her undergrad dissertation till September, at which point she starts her MA, so our talks will probably remain infrequent, but we'll email quite a bit. i'm not going to lose her, my Dutchie!
anyway, i walked to work in the rain, and i checked out next week's schedule. turns out i'm working 3:30 till close on my birthday. i don't normally work Mondays, so i didn't think to book it off, also - i didn't plan anything with friends. but still. i won't see my parents at all that day, which means doing the whole cake/presents another day. and talking to Chris will be difficult too. by the time he gets home from work, it'll be time for me to leave. he gave me my gift before i left and made me swear not to open it till August 10th. i'm dying to know what it is, and really want to open it in front of him, even if only over Skype. i don't know... like i said, i hadn't planned anything for my 21st, am not exactly excited about it, but... at least having a bit of a relaxing day would've been nice. as it is, i need the money!
work was alright, aside from getting sent home early. i found another person there i really enjoy working with, so that was a nice surprise. we had this crazy/creepy lady in too... mass drama. oh, and i bumped into Aaron! my dream-team partner from last year? that was fortunate. he's at Bronte again this summer. i wish i were still there with him and Jess. turns out they're doing a Deer Walk program on Tuesday nights, so i go along on the 18th, and do coffee later. hope so!
no idea what we're up to tomorrow. Valerie's home for good (till September, anyway) next Thursday, so we're doing her birthday thing then. she had an exam today, can you believe it? poor kid. and she's got another big one Monday, so she couldn't even do the "OMG i'm 19 let's get wasted!!1!" thing tonight, ha. i work tomorrow at 3:30, till close. mainly, Chris and i have got a proper massive Skype talk planned for 11am/4pm.
i cannot wait. this past week, for some reason, has been well hard without him, i'm not sure why. i'm just feeling the distance more. all these times i wish i could say "i love you" in person, you know? tell him the little things that happen, get a hug when i'm down, listen to his rants and ravings about food, run my hands through his hair... my birthday marks the halfway point between when i left and when he visits. it feels as though we've been apart for months. it sounds kind of cheesy, i guess, but before i left i made him wear one of his t-shirts for a week. well, not when it was really humid/sweaty and he went topless, or when he was at American football, or we dressed up posh, you get the idea. i wanted to take something with me that was really his, you know? as close to being him as possible. and t-shirts are great like that. it would smell like him, i could wrap it around me, etc. (i swear, i'm not the only crazy woman who does this.) i felt kinda bad about stealing one of his tops, so i bought him one to replace it with. anyway, he wore it, i tied up in a carrier bag, and packed it up. it's still in my suitcase, hasn't been opened yet. i've been good about it, i don't want to open it too soon you know? i know the scent can fade quickly, and i want to wait till i'm really missing him. there've been some days, nights really, when i wanted to crack but i've found some other way to comfort myself. i think that's good, actually, forcing myself to get distracted or find other ways to fall asleep. but lately... it's been really hard. i figured if i could make it to my birthday without tearing the bag open and inhaling, haha, i could make it the other half till he visits. i'm so, so tempted, too tempted, to take it out now. i hate not being with him.
i told Dutchie that the day i left was so horrible, it was without a doubt the most heartbreakingly difficult day of my life - i will not and can not do it again. after this year, i am gone. i am getting back there.

the family was down today. first time i'd seen them since being back. Omi, Tante Chris, Onkel Bart, Eva, Brahm, Onkel Ralph, and Dana. Louise had work, and Logan? dunno. he's sixteen. Dana just got back last weekend from Alert, Nunavut, and was in Kingston for a bit, at the army base there. she met her boyfriend's parents yesterday in Toronto, and as of tomorrow, she and her sister have to start packing for their venture to Central America. goodness.
anyway, i was quite disappointed in the lot of them. they were here, collectively, for a total of 4hrs. that's nothing for my family. i remember the days of monthly stayover visits. i hardly got a chance to talk to them properly, and though the food was delicious, it kinda distracted from conversation. i don't know. not too great, especially considering how high Mom's stress levels had been before they got here. not really worth it.
Williams, as you may or may not know, has been really dead of late. every night shift i work, it seems like there's hardly anyone coming in, compared to the mad rushes i was once used to. while that meant that last night my TL had to send three people home at 10 (seriously, everything was clean) as opposed to midnight. i was quite upset, because i really need the money. but it worked out okay, because David and i stayed out in a park chatting until midnight anyway. David Pynkowski went to Bateman with me, three years younger, just graduated, and i worked at Williams once with him too. basically, he's a fantastic guy. we talked about all sorts: my exchange, his upcoming foray into Carleton, cooking, men, French cinema, etc. so lovely to reconnect.
i just received the most beautiful email from Christoph. he was out with friends in Sidmouth last night, and caught up nicely with dear Arthur. and today, he was at his friend's mum's annual garden party. lots of fun, by the sounds of it. he writes so descriptively, i wish i were there to even witness it in real life. he's emailed Lee, who seems desperately bored in little Port Talbot, Wales. most of the guy's friends have moved out, there aren't any jobs left in the tiny steel mining town, so he's thinking of travelling a bit to Belgium and Holland. ohhh, he might meet up with my Dutchie! mad jealousy. Chris loves me, kids. he really does. i can feel it with every word he writes. he isn't corny or cheesy, yet he manages to convey so much emotion. he does shocking things, like call me "captivating" haha, and it makes me smile.
on another note - what on earth is with this weather?! all week, it's been murky and grey. we've had more thunderstorms in the past two days than i can care to count. and if the sky appears blue for even a minute, it's soon covered up with more clouds. i love it, but honestly! very strange. the forecast isn't promising any change either. i'm awfully disappointed with my Canadian summer so far. if anyone dares again to make a crack about British weather, they're gonna get a kick. since i've been back, it hasn't been over 30 degrees once. it's barely humid, i haven't gone in the pool, and i'm wondering where the sun is hiding. i'm not a summer person, it's true, but i was not expecting this! yes, i'm pretty sure that my Yorkies are having a nicer summer than we are here.

erm... so today?
it was kind of awesome.
kind of shit, but kind of awesome.
interview: good news is, it went well. bad news is, they're only looking for people for September onwards. so fack. there goes that.
Williams: dead quiet. like, at 9pm we had 7 people in the restaurant. we finished all the closing stuff we could by 8. after 11:15, we had no one. weird for a Saturday night. and totally boring. i did score lots of chocolate croissants though.
plus side: seeing my Katrina again! she came in for a milkshake. it was the first time we met in over two and a half years. i can't describe how strange it was to catch up. mainly because, while 8 months ago i was at Anna's birthday party - Katrina was being impregnated. oh yes. my dear colleague, all of 21yrs old, and with an unfinished college degree has moved in with her boyfriend in downtown Burlington, of all places, and has gotten knocked up. they are naming her daughter Amberlynn. i seemed to be the only person in the place who saw something wrong with this situation. jesus.
plus side: Cyrus! probably no one really knows this, but Cyrus is one of those people i will forever be bumping into. usually no more than once a year, that is, and usually at my workplace. but it has happened relatively frequently, considering we only met to begin with because he's Darien's (now Darius) older brother. (Darien: good friend from elementary/middle school, lives in neighbourhood.) we were also in the same high school for one year. actually, ha, some of you might remember him dating one of our twin friends. oh, and he used to drive a blue Beetle. anyway. Cyrus - for an acquaintance - is probably one of my favourite people in the world. every time we meet we have the most lovely conversations, and i'm grinning. we see each other so infrequently because one of us is always going somewhere. he's travelled all over. i mean, Darien was in China teaching for a year, but Cyrus - being older - has done more. he was in New Brunswick a few years back, went through a few places in Europe, and for at least a year now has been working in Dubai. now, however, he's been given unpaid leave for two months, so he's come to his parents here. he arrived the same date i did, back in Canada. in a few weeks, he's taking Darien to Prague, Vienna, and Budapest. am mightily jealous. so Cyrus came at the beginning of my break, and i delayed going back to work by another 10mins after i should have. we talked about all sorts of things, mainly our travels, what it feels like to be in Canada again, living abroad, English literature, etc. it was wonderful, and so great to see him again!
and, that's it for now. very tired. my feet are killing me. it's been an eventful day, even if i don't count any of that stuff. Valerie's been up this weekend. and we had our family friends from Newmarket over today. and i work again tomorrow evening. but tomorrow morning i'm having a nice long Skype chat with my Christoph!! at this moment, he's at work. 6:22am there. time changes freak me out.

you all know i've been a reluctant Canuck lately, but today Ian posted this on my wall and i had to grin: 

too awesome for words.
and... that's it. still no one's called about the job. work at Williams 11-4 tomorrow. not enthused, but at least it's money! cut up some more fabric today for those receiving blankets (don't ask) and dug up my old Ikea hanging photo frames. i set them up with my stunning Shakespeare cards (the ones i bought at the Globe) and am loving it. chatted to Chris for a bit, who worked at some warehouse today. he'll be doing that for the next little while, before hopefully(!) doing some work in a hotel somewhere. if there's anywhere lacking in jobs, it's Ottery St Mary, Devon. might watch a Miss Marple with Mom and Dad tonight, or run along and do my own thing, like watching So You Think You Can Dance, yay. the thing about this season is, while the dancing is more or less flawless, the dancers are still lacking in character, in personality. i'm not attached to anyone. maybe tonight will remedy that.

it's strange how unattached i am to my LJ here in Canada again. like, in England i was so eager to scribble down everything that happened, remember ever precious moment. and here... well... there simply isn't that much happening.
the cottage was lots of fun. not intense, that's for sure. was just us three and Ivana. not too warm, in the end, but we were still out on/in the water quite a bit. played lots of games. went to bed around 3:30 both nights, and even then, still chatted. very typical for us. i'm really happy to be with the two of them. i have missed our moments. we're not quite there yet, and may never be again, but it's okay. my British men can't compare to my Canadian ones, they're just different. there wasn't too much emotional drama (a bit, mainly caused by a forgotten and thus unexpected song on the radio) ooh, anyway, found out that Danilo is applying to law school this year, eeek. doing his LSATs in September. Dave's a bit disappointed in us, but i can't see it any other way - we've always had different ambitions and goals. so after Danilo and i graduate (fingers crossed!) next year, and Dave's stuck with one more year of his BA/BEd, we'll be scattered. obviously, i want to be back in York, and Danilo's hoping to get into McGill. more changes are coming, but we still have about a year together.
on the job front, still no one's called. i can't effing believe it. the Thai place said they were looking! for gods' sake. i don't know what i'm going to do. jeez, i even - shush! - applied to McDonald's. i am that desperate. i'm not through with the UK yet!
speaking of which, last night i finally put up my photos from the last weekend. took my time doing it, captioning all the photos. at the same time (mind, 5hrs ahead, haha) Lee put his up. Facebook's been flooded with Goodrickers' comments. did i tell you about Lee's photos? for the past year, the sight of Lee shuffling about with his proper camera has been a common fixture around Cell Block. he's been documenting life in our corridor. you know, all the moments you don't want captured! the mess in the kitchen, unkempt as you're making tea, checking yourself out in the mirror, making funny faces, doing dopey things you'll be embarassed of later, etc. etc. and these photos - they are WONDERFUL. absolutely wonderful. can't help but get choked up as you flick through the 400 or so of the last term that he's posted. black and white or colour, they're incredible. he's captured corridor life as it actually was. none of the make-up or going out clothes - but the tears, laughter, and chaos. these are the photos that we will cherish in years to come, as the memories flood to the surface. compiled, they are a work of art for us, for those of us that lived there. there's a Welsh saying, evidently, "We know because we were there." and that's it.
i've spoken to Chris quite a bit in these past few empty days, and received messages from Lee and Hannah. Dutchie and i'll have to get a Skype date planned too. they told us at the pre-departure meeting over a year ago that once we returned, we'd measure time in the days that've passed since our return. painfully true. nine days later and i'm becoming more determined to get back. without exagerration, i can honestly say that i've never felt like this before. i've never had a dream that grips my heart like this one.

going to Danilo's cottage tonight. very spontaneous, i'm aware. will be a bit intense, but i do want to see them.
Williams has offered me a few shifts, which i'm gonna take next week, which is why i won't be able to see Dave and Danilo then. i've also applied at a Greek restaurant, a Thai, and Boston Pizza, argh. the Thai would be excellent. i've always liked the place, and they're looking. hopefully they'll give me a ring. also, a new coffee place has opened down the road, so i'll apply there today.
went to Toronto yesterday with Mom. well, North York. for some Vivah jewellery outlet store. wasn't bad, just not worth the 4.5hr adventure.
been watching Series 3 of Torchwood. god, it's freaky. love the Ianto/Jack sex banter though, and i like seeing Rhys more. not the same without Tosh and Owen, but i'm getting used to it. i like this hour a day thing, it builds even more suspense, in a way. like an extra long film.
had a long Skype chat with Chris at about half-six this morning. it was so worth it. i've been missing his voice. and i forgot how damned handsome he is, haha. i still have to wrap me head around the fact that i can't reach out and touch him. i don't know. i believe we're going to be okay. i just miss him so much.

my mobile here is back up and running. have a new number, and cleared out lots of messages. need to refamiliarize myself with the controls and ringtones and whatnot again.
Chris rang last night, which was lovely. we chatted for about 40mins about all sorts. he had a good, fun day, which makes me happy. he's at least got lots of people about to entertain/distract him. he's on his way down to Devon, at the moment, should be home soon. i could sense that he was feeling a bit down, so i tried to cheer him up and encourage him. i'm not feeling too much better myself, but i know that we're still lucky to have each other, and to have some contact.
should be off to Zellers soon, need hangers. i've tackled my jewellery, am thinking clothes might be next. we'll see. i should really fix up my CV and drop that off at various plaza places too. i applied online to Kelsey's last night. (Swiss Chalet isn't hiring!) i wouldn't mind Williams again or even Starbucks, but if i'm going to be getting just above minimum wage, i at least want tips. Boston Pizza? ick. but what the hell, i really really need the money. i did phone Nikki to enquire about her agency, and she said she'd keep an eye out. the pharmacy's fully-staffed, but since Magda loves me she'll let me know as soon as something pops up.
i hate this whole job thing. i mean, it's not exactly a student-friendly economy, is it? nevermind that i've only started summer in July. i've never been too motivated to work, really, but hearing Christopher's voice on the phone, at midnight his time, picturing him sitting alone on the couch in the dark... i want to go back. i am absolutely determined to make as much money as i can before graduation.

the gorgeous autumn wind is here! i can smell the decaying leaves in it.
busy busy day. it was just the pharmacist and i, and we were overwhelmed. it's a Sunday, for gods' sake - why aren't you all with family? stop stocking up on drugs! i even had to give up one of my breaks. no big deal, i'd prefer busy days over quiet any time. only thing is, now i'm dead tired and my feet hurt.
on my way home i decided i'd relax for a bit before packing by watching the series 6 finale of Spooks. guys, i never thought i'd like this show so much. i mean, it's a show about MI5! an award-winning show, but still... it's a drama/thriller/action/adventure with emphasis on government spies and national politics. (granted, it is British and the Americans aren't put in the best light, hahaha.) it's about terrorism, assassinations, corruption, and it's all very, very sketch. most of the plot lines - should they ever happen - are horrifying. it's frightening to think that such people, organizations, secret services, and governments exist. the brilliance of the show is that it's totally unpredictable. often you have absolutely no freaking idea how the messy situations will be resolved until the last few minutes. (in that regard, season 6 is weird because it isn't serial at all. it's one long story arc from the first episode to last - very tense.) and it's even freakier because you can't know when your favourite character is going to be offed. in like, the third episode of the show, they killed one of the leads, and they've been doing stuff like that ever since. doesn't matter if it's the season premiere, or the middle of the fourth episode, or whatever - you just don't know. this makes it very interesting story-wise though. the new characters are woven in fluidly. although only two characters have lasted all six years, they've never had fewer than 5 team members. nearly every character i adore. best part is (as always): they're flawed! heck, half of the characters are gone because they became moles, went mental or screwed up and had to "die". of course, you can never be prepared for that because it's hard to see your favourites as flawed, but it does make for a devastatingly realistic show.
i guess the main reason i watch this show is (surprise surprise) for the characters. even their guest characters/actors were impressive, haha. but as for the main cast: whether it was Danny and Zoe in the first few seasons with their (heartbreakingly!) close friendship, or Ros with her difficulty in overcoming her past, or Adam (who has enough reasons to psyschologically collapse and amazes you in his struggle to survive), or Harry with his undying devotion to his team and country - i adore them. they're delightfully written. ohh, even the bad guys are fantastic (often because it's sometimes hard to differentiate, haha). very few of the staff do i dislike, znd they're gone now. you have your techie geek, your wannabe family man, your patriotic nonpracticing Muslim, your journalist-turned-spy - everyone's different. one of the main focuses of Spooks is on relationships, or rather - the lack thereof. it's repeated over and over that it's impossible to maintain a relationship and an MI5 career. they're heavily "encouraged to date within the Service", but even that doesn't turn out well most of the time. it's kind of neat to think that there really are people like this, those who sacrifice their relationships, integrity (they're all brilliant liars), and lives for national security, for us. 
 

( teh pretty reasons for watching )
season 7 is supposed to have a retro Cold War feeling to it, yay! i was getting tired of those Iranians. it starts in October sometime. funny to think that i'll finally be talking to Brits themselves about their television.
food time now, then packing. just in time to coincide with my fangirling mood, the season premiere of Brothers & Sisters is on tonight, eek. love yous!

much to talk about, and i don't want to forget any of it. skip to the parts which interest you, haha.
family
Val's moving out tomorrow! as Kelly said, i'll be an only child again. weird thought. i'm going to miss her, huge pain-in-the-ass that she is. i have no idea how she'll handle her newfound independence. on the one hand, i can picture her being totally reckless and getting caught up in everything, and in another i can only see her acting as she always does: aloof and isolated, cooler than everyone else. Mom and Dad are driving her there so they can help her with internet connections, frosh prep, etc. i remember my first week in res so clearly. all the stupid (and fun) things i did... odd to think that i'll be participating in "fresher's week" this year too! anyway, with Val gone alot of the tension in our household should dissipate too. (or focus on me, whatever.) things will definitely be interesting as my parents slowly come to term with their new position as empty nesters. we did everything Valerie wanted tonight, including eating meat fondue and watching Sydney White, this totally dorky (borderline "cute" dorky) movie. it was total fluff, but had its moments. Kim from the pharmacy recommended to her, haha.
work
today was my last day at Bronte! and a record day for Spruce Lane: 323 people, my gods. said my goodbyes to Cathy, Andrew, Meghan, and Kelly. and Mickey and No-legs and Calcium (snapping turtle and our snakes, respectively). and to the goats and the dank Spruce Lane basement. and best of all - i biked home for the last time! my bosses are willing to hire me back next year, and encourage me to at least volunteer if i find a better job elsewhere. we'll see. this job has definitely taught me alot. my perceptions of teaching have changed, and i've learned to cope with all manner of awkward boss situations, haha. i am going to miss the place. i finished my shift at Spruce Lane, by far my favourite of the two centres. i've gained so much knowledge of Victorian life, it's ridiculous! even though some days were pretty rough (and boring) i'll appreciate my time there and am thankful i had one hell of an awesome NHE department to work with.
after a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, i'm supposed to go in and meet Magda at the pharmacy to see about me coming back to work a few days a week. i've resigned myself to the fact that - even if i don't need it now - i will need money eventually, and i'd have to be an idiot not to work in September. we'll see how the meeting goes. she has to realize that i'll be wanting a steady schedule. after being spoiled at Bronte, i hate not knowing my hours in advance. how did i ever plan anything before?
friends
on Saturday afternoon, David wanted to hang out. we grabbed some iced coffee at Starbucks (oh my gods, heat) and talked for about an hour or so. maybe longer. discussed the fine points of American history, MCATs, TA's, my work, etc. as with Sarah and Graeme the other night - it felt good to catch up. while we were there, Sarah and Graeme did join us, and we four then went to Ultra to pick up something to make for dinner at mine. after ceaseless back and forth texting with Jordan, we figured out that he'd been at Algonquin (the first provincial park!) all weekend with his dad. he'd be able to meet us for dinner though. poor, tired man. after the half hour or so it took to make pasta and garlic bread, we enjoyed some yummy food outside and talked some more. it's so easy to forget how good your friends make you feel, isn't it? like, i know i went through this with Dave, Danilo, and Adri. it's that feeling of "why don't we hang out every day?" when you're laughing so hard that it's painful, you never want it to stop.
after awhile we decided to walk and get ice cream. yum chocolate peanut butter. by 9:30 or so we were back at my place, and eating ice cubes. it was freaking hot, and none of our beverages were cool anymore. the five of us devoured at least 60 ice cubes, ahaha. somehow we ended up playing President. mass fun. i don't think i've ever played so poorly in my life, but it was great. around 11, they headed out. (stupid work.) it was fun to see so much of my friends in what felt like such little time. it reminded me somewhat of being in res again. having everyone around, laughing, eating, drinking - just enjoying each other's company, you know? i need to spend more time being happy, being with people that help make me happy. it rather excites me to think that in a month or so i'll be working on getting a whole nother set of friends!
exchange
phoned Adri tonight. turns out she's leaving tomorrow, not on the 3rd! we talked for at least an hour, and the reconnection felt wonderful. her brother flew from Calgary to Kingston yesterday (he's at Queen's) and Nic flew into Toronto today. (he's here, i can visit!) and now, she's going to Europe tomorrow. madness. she's staying with her grandparents in Holland for a week, then is spending the remaining time until she begins school in Madrid with her "Spanish family" - the people she lived with for three months in high school. just talking to her, going over all the pre-leaving emotions was invigorating. what're you packing, who's picking you up, how's your mom doing, what classes are you taking, how big is your suitcase, do you have a roommate, when're you getting Skype? all questions that were covered. we could've talked for hours, i tell you.
Sheila's already been in Bretagne for a week, but because i so rarely talk to her nowadays, i do consider Adri the first of us to leave. she's our guinea pig, you know? you cannot understand how comforting it is to know that i'm not alone, that Dave and Adri are going through this too and all of us will gloriously survive. i hate saying it, but so few other people have an idea of what we're going through, what we've been through to get here. i sweare, the average person just thinks, "Oh, you're going on exchange? That's cool." as if it were some simple process, as if we just had to tick a box on some form earlier in second year. the paperwork, finances, emotional and mental rollercoasters, logistics - yes yes, we just pleasantly skipped all that, hahaha. everything done in the hope that this challenge will be worth it!
television
remind me to an entry once about Spooks, an MI-5 drama i never ever thought i could get hooked on.
miscellany
new icon by hobbitholes. still adore this movie. still need to buy it and the soundtrack. i also love how delightfully appropriate the quote is. love yous!